It will suffocate your fire.

 

It has taken my entire lifetime to fully accept myself. To know to my core that the person I have become is who I was always meant to be. Without a doubt, the most challenging part of getting here has been accepting truths of myself that run counter to how I was raised and what our culture considers positive. My road journey for the last six years has shown me time and again who I really am. From the inspiring experiences to the frustrating ones, and everywhere in between, each has shaved off more of the fascia of who I was once trying to be. Each notable occasion like a mirror presenting reflections that were often painful and deeply challenging. But, just as often, the reflections left me marveling at what I have traversed and risen above.

I began this chapter of my life rolling west from Ellensburg, WA on the evening of July 31, 2018. I will never forget the feeling of that moment. It was frightening and intoxicating all at once! I felt very floaty and rather lost in the month that followed. It was much easier building up to that huge life change than it was to irrevocably set foot on the path I had chosen. Big challenges rained down quickly in those first few months. The magnitude of what I had done rapidly got heavy. But, there was one thing that kept me consistently positive through that transition. It was the spark of my true self being relentlessly excited about the freedom I was experiencing. Over time that spark became an enduring fire of gratitude and self-acceptance. Neither of which I had ever felt to a substantial degree.

In our culture, people who prioritize their needs to even a modest degree are quickly judged as selfish. I have experienced this many times and at first it was extremely difficult to take. It’s still not easy sometimes! Nobody enjoys being judged. But, here’s the thing where judging is concerned; The more judgmental a person is, the less satisfied they are with their own life. On my travels, some of the people I engage with have very negative opinions regarding my lifestyle. I used to feel like I needed to talk them through it and help them understand so they didn’t walk away thinking ill of me. Nowadays I just feel sorry for the pain and regret they so clearly feel regarding the cages they have built for themselves. I never debate with them. I simply share my story if they want to hear it. In my heart I always hope that they walk away challenged to really think about it once they are alone and no longer feel they have to convince me of my stupidity and selfishness. The majority of the time I experience this it’s with men much older than me. Behind their angsty hubris I see the grief tearing at their guts. The more regret a person carries, the harder it is for them to forgive themselves and get free of it. It breaks my heart when I run across it.

I have truly found that to the degree that you love yourself, you will love others. To the degree you forgive yourself, you will be forgiving and understanding of others. To the degree you accept yourself, the more readily you will accept others without judgment. There is no serenity without granting these things to yourself.  

If you readily judge others in petty ways, I invite you to examine what triggers it and look within yourself for what part of you feels so offended or resentful. There's a chance you are reacting to seeing someone behaving in a manner you yourself would like to behave, but you haven’t summoned the courage to show yourself. I get it, believe me! I was there many years ago. The best way to get free of that bondage is to allow yourself to be vulnerable. It will feel terrible at first, but vulnerability is the foundation of courage and transformation. Every positive aspect of who you are and want to be requires vulnerability in order to fully blossom.  

Thank you Talon 🦝

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” -Maya Angelou

My son learned to play chess in middle school and naturally took to it. Back in 2017 he tried to teach me how to play, but I didn’t really want to learn at that point. And for anyone who has ever learned chess, you know it is way too challenging to learn if one doesn’t want to! Plus, I was still shoulder deep in the most intense period of personal work in my life. I simply didn’t have the bandwidth to take on learning chess.

I did like playing checkers though, so I painted a checker board on the drop down table on the inside of Hella’s back door. The kids and I played many a game of checkers on it when weather was good and we were hanging out together. A couple years ago I got a bee in my bonnet to revisit chess. I bought a cheap set of chess pieces and surprised Talon with them on one of our hangouts in Seattle a couple summers ago. He lit up like a Christmas tree at the sight of them and was thrilled to resume teaching me. It felt great! The challenge of learning the game is real though! It takes loss after loss after loss simply to become a competent beginner. Plus, up until he moved to San Francisco, I would only see him during the summer months when I’d be in Seattle. So, we’d get to play maybe 8 times a year at that rate. I’m currently in San Francisco and get to see him a time or two a week. We generally play at least once every three weeks or so. Sometimes more often and sometimes longer between. Anyway, he is so good at the game that I’ve only beaten him once before yesterday! He was pretty tipsy the time I beat him over a year ago, so that one didn’t really count in my book. But, yesterday I beat him straight up and it was such an amazing feeling! At the end of the day when we were saying our goodnights, I thanked him for the day and the game we had played. He graciously congratulated me on winning the match and without even thinking I responded by saying it was a ‘fluke’ that I had won. That ancient voice of shame just popped right out of me and past my awareness. Here’s where it gets amazing though! Without missing a beat he came back with a firm response of, “Don’t say that, you beat me fair and square. It was not a fluke, you simply out maneuvered me and won.” At the moment I accepted that and hugged and thanked him.

Twenty minutes later I was getting groceries before parking for the night when it hit me hard what he had done. Without having to think about it he saw what I was doing subconsciously and pointed it out to me in a loving and affirming way. He did for me what I have done for him for years. With ease and grace he swatted away the shame that was not mine to begin with and affirmed my worthiness. What is astounding about this is that he and I have had rather parallel paths through similar issues over the last ten years. We have walked and grown through them in very different ways. Yet here we are, both having reached a level of empathy and self-awareness that allows us to extend that sense to those around us. It’s profound to me in so many ways how far my children have come in the last decade. I’ll be the first to admit I could have done a better job as a parent when they were kids. I think just about any parent likely feels that way when their kids are grown and on their own. As we age, hindsight and life experience serve up plenty of perspective on the job we did as parents. I am proud that Pamela and I broke several chains of abuse and neglect that we had experienced as kids. In contrast, our children were protected, loved and cherished, never abused, afraid, belittled, cold or hungry. They were and are, everything to us and will forever be our priority people.

I’d have to say that one of the most profound experiences a parent can have is when their adult child lovingly points something out to the parent that the parent themselves has spent their lifetime instilling in them. To unexpectedly see it in action is stunning and so deeply moving.

It is so true that as we know better we can do better. There is much I could have done better as a dad, but there is also much I did well. It is vitally important to forgive yourself and others so you can invest your energy in stretching and growing. Nobody is a failure who learns from their mistakes and the school of life is never out. Beautiful moments will come along to affirm your growth as you actively strive to do better. And it is most often those closest to us who reflect the state of our true selves in how they interact with us. 

Advertising preys upon your insecurities

A few days ago I treated myself to a yummy meal at a great café in the Sunset District of San Francisco. It’s a family business that my kids and I enjoy for it’s history, crew, and quality food at fair prices. The place has a couple big TV’s that are generally tuned in to sporting events. Anyone who knows me knows I couldn’t care less about professional and college sports. Don’t even get me going on this! So, the actual programming doesn’t get my attention in the least. But, since I don’t have a TV in my life except for on occasions like that, I rarely see commercials. When I do, I am pretty much sickened by them.

I made my living for 30 years as a commercial photographer specializing in creating compelling imagery for my clients. Whether that was for a hospital, clothing brand, guitar manufacturer, fruit warehouse or a university, it was all the same. The overarching goal was always to create in the viewer a sense of need to either use that service or buy their product. Looking back, I have no qualms regarding who my clients were and what they were selling. Some I’m even proud to have been a part of. But, there were a few where I created imagery which tapped in to making people feel like their life was somehow ‘less than’, or at the very least would be much improved by buying or supporting that thing I was part of selling. I really don’t feel bad about that because it was my job and I didn’t have the particular awareness and sensitivity that I do now. I enjoyed my work as a pro photographer. It was always challenging and interesting with a lot of diverse environments and opportunities. I was lucky to have had such a career!

In 2013 my life changed quickly and radically. Everything in my personal world came apart and my priorities could not have shifted more dramatically. A year into my journey of intense personal work with ACA, (Adult Children of Alcoholics), I felt more and more conflicted with being a significant part of any marketing machine. As a side note, this is the time when I began to realize that the only photography of genuine value that I had ever created were personal portraits for individuals and families. Another year on, and on the heels of my second Burning Man in 2015, a dream showed me my new path. When I awoke from it I knew it was what I had to do with my skills and I’ve been solidly on that path ever since.

It was at that point that so much changed for me. It was then, with a new purpose rooted in using my gifts to create meaningful photography for individuals, that the heaviness I’d been living with began to lift. I feel that dream and purpose were a gift from deep within me. An uncovering of something I had known forever but hadn’t been open enough to see, let alone act upon.

I know what it is to live in a constant state of compulsion to meet and exceed the expectations of others in my world. In their defense, they weren’t the ones putting me in that frenzied and desperate state. I was. When we feel that way, it’s always because we are somehow allowing it to be so. Nothing will make you feel more fearful and inadequate than letting other’s expectations define your self worth!

So, what does all this have to do with advertising? Quite a lot actually. Advertising is the art of creating in you a sense or expectation that you need what they are selling in order to be either happy or safe. Neither of which any product or service can genuinely provide. Happiness can only come from within and nobody is ever truly safe. You’re only ever as sexy or beautiful as you believe you are. Your financial assets can disappear in the click of a mouse. Your physical property can be taken away overnight. Your body can be forever broken in the blink of an eye. In one way or another, advertising always preys upon these fears and insecurities. I see it in every product and service ad from pharmaceuticals to kid’s toys. Remember the status we endowed upon our friends who had the latest hot toys when we were kids? It was instant status and I remember feeling so much like their lives had to be so great compared to mine. All because they had the new rad Hot Wheels track set and I didn’t. Granted, a child growing up in the circumstances that I did is far more likely to be vulnerable to that. But, on the flip side, the kid with the cool toys and admiration felt the pressure to stay cool by having the next hot toy that came out. Influential advertising is a cornerstone of creating the pressure that supports those sick cycles of perceived personal worth based on material possessions. The more lack we feel in any aspect of our lives the more effectively advertising works on us.

As all of this reality regarding advertising took deeper root in me, the less I could be part of it. It's to the point now that I would sooner work at a garage doing oil changes than ever shoot commercially again. While it may sound like I have issues with creative professionals in the advertising world, let me assure you I do not. It’s simply not for me anymore.

The overarching point I wish to make with this post is that no product or service will ever define you in a manner that actually matters. The US is a capitalist country to the extreme and we are relentlessly bombarded with advertising in every medium and arena. Practically all of it is engineered to create in you a sense of 'lack' somehow. It’s important to understand how it works so you will recognize when it’s negatively influencing your decisions based on underlying fears or insecurities you may have. If you can recognize that sort of thing it will help you take steps toward understanding the root of that fear. With such understanding you can move beyond it and be less susceptible to the programming being constantly hurled at you by advertisers.

Take time to search yourself anytime an ad makes you feel actual ‘need’. You may truly need that tool or service. But, if in looking deeper you realize your sense of need is actually a ‘want’, be sure you want it for the right reasons. Advertising is a science and a language worth educating yourself on so that it works for you, not on you.

Is it denial or faith?

Sometimes we are the most difficult person to be honest with. As a recovering people-pleaser I can certainly attest to this! 

There is so much to dive into regarding the myriad life experiences that serve to either open our eyes or dim our view. 

No matter what has brought you to a place of denial, finding your way clear of it is life changing not only for you, but for everyone in your world. Often, that world would just assume you stay in your comfy delusion of 'this is fine'. One thing is for sure, breaking free of your denial will rapidly reveal who genuinely loves and cares about you and who doesn't. This is a good thing, though always painful. Awakening is vital to your well being and simultaneously a train wreck for your world. Empowering? Yes. Comfortable? Fuck no, not for anybody! A must? Yes.

Decision time comes when you finally allow yourself to see the house is burning down around you. It's at that point you have to honestly asses if you can take steps to save the house or if it needs to burn to the ground.

Taking action to save it is an acknowledgment that you have faith not only that it can be saved, but also that it should. If your efforts are motivated by love and a sense of mutual conviction by everyone involved, then by all means do what must be done to save it. Motivation is key. You need to think twice if you are motivated by a sense of obligation rather than love.

Faith is birthed from a place of self-awareness and honesty. It can only come from a knowing that you are on your true path. This is not to say the path is set and clear, but that it resonates truly with your gut and you aren't discounting red flags when they appear to aid in course corrections.

Denial is the complete opposite of faith. It dismisses your internal pain and alarms while telling you to hang in there and everything will eventually be fine so long as you go with the flow. It's like gaslighting yourself. Nine times out of ten you've been conditioned to discount your own feelings for a very long time. It will never be 'fine', nor will you ever be whole if you are denying your truth. 

It's ironic that awakening is so initially painful and laborious while living in denial is often much easier. One can't be truly happy when living in denial, yet it can externally feel like they shouldn't complain. That's the steady grind of denial working on them. Constantly dismissing the hits they endure as something they can't change and simply have to accept.

It's true we can be unbelievably strong and endure much more than one would think. But, what's more true is that we shouldn't allow it if we have the power to change the paradigm. This is where making time for sincere self-assessment is so important. And let me tell you, it's a serious discipline. It takes a long time working at it to reach a point of steady self awareness. Once you're there it becomes a natural state most of the time. It's a place of thriving which draws in your heart's desires. You become more of a blessing to those around you than you ever could have been in your previously frenzied and exhausted state of people pleasing. 

There is wreckage as I look back across my journey thus far. Some I had control of and some I did not. There are no two ways about it, this shit is hard. If I could magically take away the pain my choices have caused people I love, I would. When I think about it, the only consolation is that had I not been honest with myself and them, I would have ultimately caused them much more dissapointment and grief. This is because I would have had to move into a place of denial in order to meet their hopes and expectations. In time I would have rolled up into a ball of darkness and desperation that would have made everyone around me miserable. I've lived there before and can never go back. 

I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating. I have never in my life had so little and felt so happy. How did I get here? My house burned to ash and I did the difficult work of stepping out of denial, healing, and learning who I truly am and how to honor that. 

If your house is burning it's an opportunity to wake up and change your life. Don't waste it.

Sincerely,

Rich

PS> I have the ACA program and my fellow travelers there to thank for showing me the way to heal and re-train myself. If you've never heard of ACA before, check this out-

https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

What do you hear?

As I was parking for the night five nights ago, something went ‘BIG-BADA-BOOM’ in Hella’s rear driveline. It was pretty dramatic and one of those moments every vehicle dweller dreads. Your adrenaline jumps up and great dread descends! Even for a mechanic like me! Sometimes, having extensive knowledge of the vehicle that broke, (like I do with this truck), makes it worse in such a scenario. Because I knew those were very bad and serious sounds! It was late and dark, so nothing was to be done for the night other than push her the remaining 6 feet into my parking spot. Side note; she couldn’t have broken down in a better place short of my friend Paul’s driveway! So, for that I was immediately grateful! But, as I’m sure you can imagine, I didn’t have a great sleep.

The next morning I began the work of isolating components and figuring out where the big bang had originated. Working on a vehicle in public is a hassle. The questions of passers-by and the reality of having to put every tool and case away each time you need to road test makes the work a lot more tiring. But, after about three phases of diagnostic work I found the problem and it should be a pretty simple fix once some parts arrive at my mailbox which is only a mile from where I am parked. See? An awesome spot to break down! On top of all that, one of my longest running patrons saw my Instagram story about what was going on and sent me a donation that will cover most all of the repair! An unbelievable blessing that I did not see coming! Many of my local social media followers have messaged me offering help as well. It’s a beautiful thing to experience so much good will.

Now to the real point of this blog post.

We all prefer things go smoothly. We appreciate problem-free times, and with good reason. It’s comfortable and stress-free when things simply work. But the reality is there is very little learning or personal evolution without the challenge of unforeseen problems. Major malfunctions give us the opportunity to exercise our problem solving skills as well as improve our emotional responses to trouble. Surprise challenges and inconveniences really show us what we’re made of. Sometimes we’re happy with how we reacted and other times we need to learn new skills to better react to problems in the future. Either way, it’s excellent life skill exercise.

As I worked through the problem solving in my current situation it occurred to me how all these principles apply to our relationships as well. It’s important to have open and thoughtful control of our initial reactions when something emotionally charged or difficult pops up between us and a friend or loved one. We need to breathe and think before we react. We need to sincerely listen to what we’re being told, just like me under the rig turning gearboxes by hand in order to find the source of the bad sounds. People who aren’t mechanics would be surprised how critical listening is when diagnosing a mechanical problem. It’s one of my first questions when a friend asks me to help them figure out what’s wrong with their car. What sounds did it make leading up to the breakdown? I listen intently to their answer in whatever way they describe it. Which is exactly how we need to listen when someone we care about has an issue with us. Listen without defense. Listen without working on your response as they talk. It’s not a debate to be won. Simply listen with all your heart knowing they’re telling you what they are because they love you and care about the relationship. If they didn’t they wouldn’t bother talking to you about the problem. Conflicts present the opportunity for more intimacy in our relationships. It takes a great deal of courage to tell someone you love that you’re unhappy with an element of the relationship. Honor their courage by hearing them with an open heart and consideration of what they are saying. If what they say rings true and you take the opportunity for growth that has been presented, you just may avoid the big breakdown in the first place.

If you want to flourish in life you must learn to truly listen. To yourself, your partner, your children, your friends, your family. 

You cannot love fully within a relationship if you aren't willing to hear the difficult things. The shares of a hurt heart are your chances to grow in love and care for that person before things reach the big breaking point. Listen...

You are incomparable

Few things will wreck your sense of self worth more quickly and deeply than comparing yourself to others.

I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. There was no internet or social media influence on any of us. That is, unless you were a weekly reader of People magazine or nightly watcher of Entertainment Tonight! I definitely did not indulge in either of those. Though, I will admit I wanted to be as cool and stylish as Sonny Crockett on Miami Vice. So, there was that! All silliness aside, as a teen and young man I lived in a constant state of shame and worthlessness. I compared myself to the big guys in the gym, to guys with good jobs and money, to guys with beautiful girlfriends, you name it. And I did so all in a negative way. Never in a way that inspired me. Even the adoration and love of my beautiful girlfriend couldn’t dent my sense of inadequacy. Of course, there was a lot more to the source of that bottomless pit of worthlessness than me making toxic comparisons, but let’s stick with the topic here.

For those inclined to feel unworthy of what they desire in life, today’s social media creates an endless feast for self-deprecation. Worst of all, much of the advertising the algorithm serves up is expressly designed to prey upon any sense of personal deficiency we may have. My heart breaks regarding the toxic hellscape that much of social media is for teenagers and young adults in particular. They are supremely vulnerable to being made to feel less than good enough unless they look like, or own the things social media influencers serve up in a relentless stream of sponsored bullshit. It’s a disaster for our young people and I fear it will play out in ever worsening ways for our society.

Back in my young days most people compared themselves to people they knew, or observed, in their sphere of life. Some of this is natural and inspires us in positive ways. But, it is instantly toxic the moment you make a comparison which makes you feel bad about yourself in terms of your physical appearance, abilities, or social status. Those people you are comparing yourself to, (whether in real life or online), are a construct of your assumptions. You have no idea what their life is really like, nor how they feel about themselves. All they present to the world is how they want to be seen. There are precious few people you will ever be close enough to to know the absolute truth of them. You pretty much have to live with someone in order to know someone to that depth. I strive to be as authentic as possible in all my social media. I don’t use filters or do any retouching. Even so, as a professional photographer I know how to create flattering images of myself and I do so most of the time without even thinking about it. Last night I posted a spontaneous video to my Instagram story without reviewing it critically. After it had been posted for a bit I watched it and was instantly self-conscious of how fat my neck looked to me. I had an immediate shame impulse and nearly deleted it. But, as quickly as that impulse hit, I realized how important it was to leave the video up. Not for the sake of anyone following me, but for my own acknowledgement of how grateful I am for my body. For how it works and feels, not for how it may or may not score on anyone’s beauty scale. It was a moment of realization for how far I’ve come in how I truly see and feel about myself. I am finally genuinely accepting of, and grateful for, this body I pilot. It’s been a long road getting here, believe me!

I share all of this in hopes of inspiring you to be very aware of the comparisons you make. To be sure you only do so in ways that inspire you positively and never in ways that make you feel less than the wholly adequate and beautiful wonder that you are. The best practice is not to make comparisons at all. Your life path, your body, your talents, everything that you are is exactly who you are meant to be. Have faith in these things and build upon them. You are already beyond compare.

When everything stops...

Coronavirus ravaged me for six weeks from early December through mid January. It threw everything at me short of putting me in the hospital. High fevers, relentless convulsive coughing, restricted breathing, loss of taste and smell, full body hives, disorientation, extreme weakness, and last but not least, the loss of my voice for nearly a month. The only physical upshot is I lost some stubborn pounds as a result of no appetite or difficulty eating at all.

All this whilst holing up in my truck through a record nearly 3 weeks of storms lashing the central California coast. Relentless dark days of wind and torrential rain. I should have gotten a room for a week or two rather than enduring all that in Hella. But, I wasn’t thinking clearly and I kept thinking the next day would be better. Better days didn’t happen until about week 5. It was the longest and most brutal illness I have ever experienced. I learned a great deal from the experience and will do things differently if ever faced with something like that again.

I have lived a physically blessed adult life. No chronic illness or conditions of any kind. I did contract Pertussis in 2012 and that scarred my lungs which was definitely a factor in how hard Covid hit me. Thankfully, I exercise regularly so my lungs were pretty strong when Covid came along. All the same, not having ever experienced anything like this, I didn’t take it seriously soon enough. I’m grateful to have survived my lack of prompt action on my health’s behalf. It’s testament to how strong my system is, but has also shown me how much smarter I have to be in the future with something like this. I don’t feel 57, but I am, and I have to take these things more seriously.

There were several feverish, disoriented nights when I was fearful things were going to take a worse turn. When sleep would come I thought about what if this was it? I have often said that when I lay down to sleep at night I do so happy with my life and with no regrets. That if this was my last day, I know I lived it fully and with purpose. That’s easy to say when you’re healthy. At my most frightening moments with Covid, I was definitely thinking, ‘Please, don’t let this be the end!’. It was truly frightening being too weak to do anything for myself in those moments. To make matters even worse, I lost my voice in the middle of all that. I literally couldn’t have called 911 if I needed to. Of course, I could have texted my daughter and she would have been my voice. Knowing she was there for me if I needed help was a huge deal and I should have made better use of her offers to help me. I was just so afraid to get anyone else sick because of me. And maybe there’s still just a little bit of those old issues of low self worth knocking about in my attic that kept me from asking for help. Ugh!

There’s a crazy level of vulnerability that comes when one is unable to speak and it totally caught me off guard. Basically, I lost all the power I’m used to having. It turns out I had a bit too much pride regarding my independence. Being brought so low by Covid and losing my voice has focused me on some things I need to work on-

Knowing I’m worthy of help and asking for it.

Taking better care of my body and health.

Digging deeper into my purpose with more determination.

It drives me nuts what it takes for me to learn these lessons sometimes! Thankfully, I don’t believe I’ll need a similar reminder to keep me on track. This has been a huge reality check regarding the miraculously wonderful life I’m living and it’s value. It has also set me even more passionately on my path with the portrait gifting. Lately, with my resources dwindling I had been getting nervous about the slow growth in support for the work I’m doing. I’m done worrying about that. I will run this thing out with all my heart to the absolute end of my resources. If that happens, I’ll deal with it then. In my heart I believe the support will continue to grow as I do the work of gifting families.

So, all in all, getting slammed by the Rona has brought me to a better place. I’m grateful to have survived and for all that the experience has taught me.

Lastly, and this may seem weird to you, but I’d like to express my gratitude for this truck. Anyone who knows anything about this rig knows how much regular maintenance goes into keeping her running smoothly. For her to just work reliably without issue for that six weeks of extreme weather right on the ocean coast is remarkable. I was so grateful every time I hit the starter and she fired right up.