The root of that state of denial was an abiding shame liberally served up by an abusive stepfather when I was 14 and 15. Quite possibly the worst age for a human to be relentlessly told how worthless and offensive their existence is. As a child that had for years fantasized about having an active father figure in his daily life, I took every word this man said as gospel. And so, I learned that the only way I could possibly ever be of value was if I became something other than who I was. Maybe then I could be useful to others and worthy of their consideration. I became a rescuer and people-pleaser extraordinaire, though I was never able to please him.
That shame cost me many things in my life, including my marriage. That loss in particular launched me into the most important personal work of my life. All my constructs crumbled to dust and I began seeing the truth of myself for the very first time in my life. With the help of my fellow travelers in ACA, I uncovered the source of the shame that plagued me and slowly reparented myself, unlearning the sick survival traits that had set me on such destructive paths. My life now couldn't be more different and I am so grateful! Even so, I still struggle occasionally with a sense of not being enough. I suppose I always will to some degree. Thankfully, that feeling of shame doesn't get far before I arrest the bullshit. What's my first clue it's happening? It's the feeling that I am being selfish for doing what is in my heart to do. Recognizing it is the easy part. The hard part is summoning the courage to request or stand for what I know I personally need. Why is it important to risk making people uncomfortable and take care of yourself this way? Because if you don't you will likely end up resenting them and it will be your fault, not theirs. That's the slow, insidious poison of denying your truth.
It's challenging to find the balance between giving and receiving. As a recovering people-pleaser, giving is as easy for me as breathing, while asking for what I need takes a lot of effort. Which is probably why I've been blessing needy families with portraits for free full time for over a year and I still have only 23 monthly patrons. I receive all kinds of moral support and thanks for what I'm doing, but it rarely translates into patronage to support the work. The reality of what I'm doing requires that to change if Jackdaw is to continue. With over 700 people following me on social media, I should be able to gain a few $5 or $10 a month patrons each month. I know it's likely my fault that's not happening for the simple lack of asking. So here I am, asking for what I need to keep the portrait gifting going.
My current level of monthly patronage combined with my retirement funds may carry me for another year. But, it's make or break now. If Jackdaw is to sustain itself and broaden in scope to bless more people, I have to have more financial support. If Patronage doesn't grow substantially by this time next year, I will have exhausted my retirement savings and Jackdaw will be dust. I will accept that as what is meant to be if it happens, but I can't imagine that's how it will go. People approach me in person and online every day thanking me for what I'm doing for people. I am providing a valuable and meaningful gift to the people I bless. If you can afford to contribute the equivalent cost of a coffee or two a month, it is worthy of your support as a patron. My patrons and I created family portraits for 161 families in my first year doing this. I need at least 150 monthly patrons in order to sustainably continue providing portraits at the level I currently am. As patronage grows beyond 150 I will extend my reach geographically. My ultimate goal is 400 patrons. With that kind of support I will be able to really take this gift on the road.
If you genuinely believe in what I'm doing here, please support the work! I use Patreon as the vehicle to financially support Jackdaw. You can become a Patron right now by going to https://www.patreon.com/user/community?u=3573257
Namaste,
Rich
