Mom has flown...

On March 10th, mom's confusion and anxiety finally ceased. After nearly two years of suffering with the late stages of Alzheimers, she passed peacefully in her sleep. Her life was brave, beautiful, challenging and miraculous. Lots of it didn't go the way she wanted. But, what mattered most to her went just as she had always hoped. Family was everything to her. She had her children, grandchildren, siblings, her brothers and sister in-laws, her neices and nephews, and many dear friends. Mom basically created family wherever she went. Her life was love, plain and simple. I love her with all my heart and always will.

The journey that Alzheimers took her on was life changing for all who knew and loved her. In the case of my sister Nicole and I, it literally changed everything in our lives. We both left our homes in Central Washington in 2018 because she could no longer live independently. Mom became the central focus and responsibility of Nik's life for the last couple of years. I can't say enough about the love, care, and endurance she demonstrated. She could not have honored our mother more! I am so very grateful for her! I had my son in Seattle to continue guiding into independent adulthood as well as Jackdaw to build. So, I was only in Olympia to care for mom and give Nik a break about a quarter of the time.

For those of you who are currently, (or have), provided 24/7 care for a loved one with Alzheimers, you know how heartbreaking and exhausting it is. Nothing else I have experienced in life even comes close. It stretches the bounds of your physical and mental endurance at the same time that it reveals the depth of your love. Mom was always there for us and there was never any question we would be there for her when she needed us. But, all the love and devotion in the world won't keep you from the emotional wear and tear of providing full time care for one you love afflicted with Alzheimers.

But now she is free. Free of the confusion and terror. Free of her physical pain. She lived a long and very blessed life with far more joy than sorrow. With her passing, not only is she free again, so are we. In occasional lucid moments in the last year she always expressed her frustration with the fact that her care had become the focus of our lives. It was very difficult to see her get upset and cry about that. I know I would feel the same if I were in that situation. As the weight of her care has lifted from our shoulders, I feel like I've reached the end of a year and a half hike up the face of a mountain and just set my pack down for the first time. It's an almost uncomfortable lightness at times. One I sometimes feel guilty for relishing, until I remind myself that this is what she wanted for me, for us. She wanted Nik and I to be free to pursue our lives with all our strength, focus and talent. She loved us enough to let us go. I don't expect the sadness of her passing to be out of my daily awareness for quite a while. But, it's not as bitter as I expected. I think that's because I know she's with me and is getting another of her wishes- To see her children free to fly as well. And so we shall. Your love rolls on Mom!

Leaps show us the way...

It's a stunning spring day here in Seattle! I threw open the back door to let the sun and freshness pour in as I write this post.

In a little over four months, I will have lived in Hella for two years. Some things have gone as I'd hoped while others have not. But, my faith and focus on my purpose remain unshaken. Even so, there are times when I lay in this bed in this little steel box awaiting sleep and I think to myself, 'What the fuck have I done?!' I'm 54, a professional photographer, and all I have in this world is this truck and the possessions that fit in it. Let me tell you, that's an interesting place to be at this age! At moments like that, I literally do laugh out loud!

I believe in what I'm doing and the sacrifices I have made to make it possible. The work I do is deeply meaningful and a blessing to all I create for. As satisfying as it is, I have been relearning some old lessons lately. One of them is that the successful manifestation of whatever you set out to build or do cannot make you any happier than you are without that thing. True serenity must come from within, not without. There's nothing you can do externally that will make you feel truly whole and valuable. No job, hobby or relationship can fill you up if you haven't connected with the wellspring of your own self worth. For me, staying connected to that source is a matter of following my heart even when doing so poses personal or emotional risk. My risk tolerance has increased as I have walked this path. It has been further heightened as I have helped care for my mother as she descended into the depths of Alzheimers. Witnessing her decline has left me with no illusions of having plenty of time to do what is on my heart.

One of the risks on my horizon is rolling south for the winter in November. Mom is now living in an exceptional memory care home and is no longer dependent on my sister and I for her 24/7 care. My son has come into his own and is becoming the independent adult that I knew he would. I'm doing all I can to gain more patrons to help cover the expense of taking this mission on the road south. But, I will go even if I don't have all the support I would like. I feel an urgency and desire that I can no longer deny. I'm looking forward to the adventure and serving new communities, but I'm also sad about the distance doing so will create between myself and the ones I love here in the PNW. Leaving them for the winter feels selfish and goes against my grain. I have always been the anchor, the one that everyone could count on to be in a fixed position, ready and able to help them in whatever way they need. Hoisting that anchor and setting sail will not be easy for me. It will require me to have faith not only in myself and my instincts, but also in my loved one's abilities to take care of themselves. That personal separation is definitely the hardest part of taking on this kind of life. I will once again have to become very familiar with finding serenity within myself, by myself.

There's that wide open vista again! The one that is equally exhilarating and terrifying. Journey on!