For all my life until 8 years ago, my faith was placed exclusively in theology. In an external saving grace which would ultimately reward my life of constant sacrifice and obedience. I rooted my faith not in myself, but in dogma. From a young age I was taught that my core nature and desires were flawed and evil without the saving grace of a higher power outside of myself.
It took nearly three years of intense recovery work in the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, (ACA), 12 Step program to reclaim my wholeness. It was a brutal process of peeling away layer after layer of shame which had been heaped upon me with intention by an abusive step farher, as well as many well-intentioned fanatical people who had been in authority over me growing up. The reality is I will always have to pay attention to keeping those old habits in check. Recovery is a process which never truly ends.
From the deeply broken place at which I began my ACA work, losing that external focal point of my faith was extremely challenging. At first I felt desperately lost and weak without the external structures I had placed all my faith in. All my life I had been trained that without God there was nothing good in my true nature. That any power I sensed inside me was dark and sinful and never to be engaged. This made my journey of 're-parenting' in ACA all the more challenging since I was starting off with zero self-worth. Though, that's probably the case with most who come to ACA at desperately broken points in their lives.
The thing I've realized lately, and why I'm writing this post, is that I've become keenly aware of how strong my faith has become. It's an immense sense of peace with whatever life serves up next. No fear of all that could possibly go wrong, instead total faith in the journey being what is meant for me. On top of that, a true sense that I have within me whatever I need in order to adapt and embrace whatever comes. Without consciously seeing it happen, my faith has returned and is stronger than ever. Best of all, it springs from deep within me. It turns out the power and force which I had been raised to suppress and deny was always the true force for good within me. It's quite the epiphany to be having at 56 and there aren't adequate words to describe my gratitude for it and all the good it is manifesting in my life.
This has been my individual experience and path. In no way do I believe it is the right or only way to faith for anyone else. Nor am I condemning anyone's chosen theology or practice. Quite the contrary! I seek to encourage you that no matter your religion or beliefs, the power of your faith burns inside of you. It is yours to place wherever you choose and it is those places you channel it that will flourish. Your life is the very manifestation of what you put your energy and faith into.
Seek your inner truth, know it, accept it, and with all your faith pour your energy into what inspires you.
Lastly, if you are feeling hopeless and devoid of faith, reach out to someone you trust. We need help getting through this life. It is often in our most desperate and broken moments that we have the greatest opportunity to change our lives for the better. But, it takes willingness to be vulnerable and ask for help. Your faith, your hope, can be restored.
