My left knee collapsed under me in early July 2017. I was descending the steep stairs of Barge Hall at Central Washington University while carrying about a hundred pounds of gear. I don’t know how it happened, but boy, it was bad. I ended up on the landing a couple steps below. My knee made a popping sound as it completely compressed under the load of my weight plus the gear. I limped into my office to take stock of my injury. It was beginning to swell, so I didn’t waste any time getting to the truck and driving home. I figured I should do so while I could still walk. By the time I got home 11 blocks away, I could no longer use it and was driving without the clutch. I could barely get out of the truck and into the house. I spent the next two weeks icing it and hoping it would be alright. The swelling improved, but it still was not making satisfactory progress. I went back to work using crutches. After a couple of grueling weeks back at work, I finally went to a local Orthopedic doctor. She tested it’s stability and took some xrays. Her conclusion was that I had torn my ACL. She felt it wouldn’t need surgery to heal if I was willing to accept a very slow healing process. After consulting friends that had dealt with knee injuries, both that had had surgery and not, I decided to forego surgery and see if I could heal. The progress was very slow, but it was there. After three months I was down to a single crutch. After 5 months, no crutch anymore. But, I was still not walking normally. Getting through my work commitments was brutally painful and difficult. Looking back now, two plus years later, I probably should have had surgery. I still can’t compress my leg much beyond 90 degrees, nor can I completely extend it. I have had to slow my walking pace to half of what it was before the injury. It feels like I’ll have this limp the rest of my life. Sometimes that makes me very frustrated and sad. I can no longer run, jump or ride a bike. A big walking day for me now is 3 miles. I used to go on very brisk walks and hikes of many miles and loved every minute of them.
I had a lot of errands to run today. Getting prints made for some families, the bank, the auto parts store, delivering prints, and then home. Lots of bus riding, but lots of walking too. It was just about the time I was nearly home and walking the last mile of the day when I began feeling sorry for myself. My knee was getting stiff like it does when it gets worked out. That’s when I saw a local man in a wheelchair that lives on the street. Talk about a quick attitude/gratitude adjustment! I began saying over and over in my head, ‘I can walk. If all I can ever do the rest of my life is walk, then I am truly blessed!’. Nothing I’ve lost in regards to my knee’s capability is critical. It could be so much worse. My heart immediately began lifting and I started thinking of all the good that has come of my slower pace. I see more of the details around me as I walk. I no longer come up quickly behind people and unintentionally startle them. I see more wildlife. But best of all, time slows down a bit. I’m not rushing anymore. The stops I make to stretch my knee give me a chance to better see the people around me.
You know, I don’t think there are many things more destructive to our lives than self pity. Shit happens to everyone and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes temporary, sometimes permanent and life-changing in ways we don’t want. But, as with all change, we get to be the authors of our story. We decide how we will react to all the events in our lives. It’s a breeze reacting to the positive and joyful things. But, it’s the negative and challenging circumstances that give us incredible opportunities to rise and grow. To evolve. To redefine who we are and what we want to be. To find our courage and embrace new directions. Rarely does the opportunity to grow like that come from the easy stuff. So, as Bruce Lee famously said, “Be water my friend.” Flow and reform with what life presents you.
