What do you hear?

As I was parking for the night five nights ago, something went ‘BIG-BADA-BOOM’ in Hella’s rear driveline. It was pretty dramatic and one of those moments every vehicle dweller dreads. Your adrenaline jumps up and great dread descends! Even for a mechanic like me! Sometimes, having extensive knowledge of the vehicle that broke, (like I do with this truck), makes it worse in such a scenario. Because I knew those were very bad and serious sounds! It was late and dark, so nothing was to be done for the night other than push her the remaining 6 feet into my parking spot. Side note; she couldn’t have broken down in a better place short of my friend Paul’s driveway! So, for that I was immediately grateful! But, as I’m sure you can imagine, I didn’t have a great sleep.

The next morning I began the work of isolating components and figuring out where the big bang had originated. Working on a vehicle in public is a hassle. The questions of passers-by and the reality of having to put every tool and case away each time you need to road test makes the work a lot more tiring. But, after about three phases of diagnostic work I found the problem and it should be a pretty simple fix once some parts arrive at my mailbox which is only a mile from where I am parked. See? An awesome spot to break down! On top of all that, one of my longest running patrons saw my Instagram story about what was going on and sent me a donation that will cover most all of the repair! An unbelievable blessing that I did not see coming! Many of my local social media followers have messaged me offering help as well. It’s a beautiful thing to experience so much good will.

Now to the real point of this blog post.

We all prefer things go smoothly. We appreciate problem-free times, and with good reason. It’s comfortable and stress-free when things simply work. But the reality is there is very little learning or personal evolution without the challenge of unforeseen problems. Major malfunctions give us the opportunity to exercise our problem solving skills as well as improve our emotional responses to trouble. Surprise challenges and inconveniences really show us what we’re made of. Sometimes we’re happy with how we reacted and other times we need to learn new skills to better react to problems in the future. Either way, it’s excellent life skill exercise.

As I worked through the problem solving in my current situation it occurred to me how all these principles apply to our relationships as well. It’s important to have open and thoughtful control of our initial reactions when something emotionally charged or difficult pops up between us and a friend or loved one. We need to breathe and think before we react. We need to sincerely listen to what we’re being told, just like me under the rig turning gearboxes by hand in order to find the source of the bad sounds. People who aren’t mechanics would be surprised how critical listening is when diagnosing a mechanical problem. It’s one of my first questions when a friend asks me to help them figure out what’s wrong with their car. What sounds did it make leading up to the breakdown? I listen intently to their answer in whatever way they describe it. Which is exactly how we need to listen when someone we care about has an issue with us. Listen without defense. Listen without working on your response as they talk. It’s not a debate to be won. Simply listen with all your heart knowing they’re telling you what they are because they love you and care about the relationship. If they didn’t they wouldn’t bother talking to you about the problem. Conflicts present the opportunity for more intimacy in our relationships. It takes a great deal of courage to tell someone you love that you’re unhappy with an element of the relationship. Honor their courage by hearing them with an open heart and consideration of what they are saying. If what they say rings true and you take the opportunity for growth that has been presented, you just may avoid the big breakdown in the first place.

If you want to flourish in life you must learn to truly listen. To yourself, your partner, your children, your friends, your family. 

You cannot love fully within a relationship if you aren't willing to hear the difficult things. The shares of a hurt heart are your chances to grow in love and care for that person before things reach the big breaking point. Listen...

You are incomparable

Few things will wreck your sense of self worth more quickly and deeply than comparing yourself to others.

I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. There was no internet or social media influence on any of us. That is, unless you were a weekly reader of People magazine or nightly watcher of Entertainment Tonight! I definitely did not indulge in either of those. Though, I will admit I wanted to be as cool and stylish as Sonny Crockett on Miami Vice. So, there was that! All silliness aside, as a teen and young man I lived in a constant state of shame and worthlessness. I compared myself to the big guys in the gym, to guys with good jobs and money, to guys with beautiful girlfriends, you name it. And I did so all in a negative way. Never in a way that inspired me. Even the adoration and love of my beautiful girlfriend couldn’t dent my sense of inadequacy. Of course, there was a lot more to the source of that bottomless pit of worthlessness than me making toxic comparisons, but let’s stick with the topic here.

For those inclined to feel unworthy of what they desire in life, today’s social media creates an endless feast for self-deprecation. Worst of all, much of the advertising the algorithm serves up is expressly designed to prey upon any sense of personal deficiency we may have. My heart breaks regarding the toxic hellscape that much of social media is for teenagers and young adults in particular. They are supremely vulnerable to being made to feel less than good enough unless they look like, or own the things social media influencers serve up in a relentless stream of sponsored bullshit. It’s a disaster for our young people and I fear it will play out in ever worsening ways for our society.

Back in my young days most people compared themselves to people they knew, or observed, in their sphere of life. Some of this is natural and inspires us in positive ways. But, it is instantly toxic the moment you make a comparison which makes you feel bad about yourself in terms of your physical appearance, abilities, or social status. Those people you are comparing yourself to, (whether in real life or online), are a construct of your assumptions. You have no idea what their life is really like, nor how they feel about themselves. All they present to the world is how they want to be seen. There are precious few people you will ever be close enough to to know the absolute truth of them. You pretty much have to live with someone in order to know someone to that depth. I strive to be as authentic as possible in all my social media. I don’t use filters or do any retouching. Even so, as a professional photographer I know how to create flattering images of myself and I do so most of the time without even thinking about it. Last night I posted a spontaneous video to my Instagram story without reviewing it critically. After it had been posted for a bit I watched it and was instantly self-conscious of how fat my neck looked to me. I had an immediate shame impulse and nearly deleted it. But, as quickly as that impulse hit, I realized how important it was to leave the video up. Not for the sake of anyone following me, but for my own acknowledgement of how grateful I am for my body. For how it works and feels, not for how it may or may not score on anyone’s beauty scale. It was a moment of realization for how far I’ve come in how I truly see and feel about myself. I am finally genuinely accepting of, and grateful for, this body I pilot. It’s been a long road getting here, believe me!

I share all of this in hopes of inspiring you to be very aware of the comparisons you make. To be sure you only do so in ways that inspire you positively and never in ways that make you feel less than the wholly adequate and beautiful wonder that you are. The best practice is not to make comparisons at all. Your life path, your body, your talents, everything that you are is exactly who you are meant to be. Have faith in these things and build upon them. You are already beyond compare.

When everything stops...

Coronavirus ravaged me for six weeks from early December through mid January. It threw everything at me short of putting me in the hospital. High fevers, relentless convulsive coughing, restricted breathing, loss of taste and smell, full body hives, disorientation, extreme weakness, and last but not least, the loss of my voice for nearly a month. The only physical upshot is I lost some stubborn pounds as a result of no appetite or difficulty eating at all.

All this whilst holing up in my truck through a record nearly 3 weeks of storms lashing the central California coast. Relentless dark days of wind and torrential rain. I should have gotten a room for a week or two rather than enduring all that in Hella. But, I wasn’t thinking clearly and I kept thinking the next day would be better. Better days didn’t happen until about week 5. It was the longest and most brutal illness I have ever experienced. I learned a great deal from the experience and will do things differently if ever faced with something like that again.

I have lived a physically blessed adult life. No chronic illness or conditions of any kind. I did contract Pertussis in 2012 and that scarred my lungs which was definitely a factor in how hard Covid hit me. Thankfully, I exercise regularly so my lungs were pretty strong when Covid came along. All the same, not having ever experienced anything like this, I didn’t take it seriously soon enough. I’m grateful to have survived my lack of prompt action on my health’s behalf. It’s testament to how strong my system is, but has also shown me how much smarter I have to be in the future with something like this. I don’t feel 57, but I am, and I have to take these things more seriously.

There were several feverish, disoriented nights when I was fearful things were going to take a worse turn. When sleep would come I thought about what if this was it? I have often said that when I lay down to sleep at night I do so happy with my life and with no regrets. That if this was my last day, I know I lived it fully and with purpose. That’s easy to say when you’re healthy. At my most frightening moments with Covid, I was definitely thinking, ‘Please, don’t let this be the end!’. It was truly frightening being too weak to do anything for myself in those moments. To make matters even worse, I lost my voice in the middle of all that. I literally couldn’t have called 911 if I needed to. Of course, I could have texted my daughter and she would have been my voice. Knowing she was there for me if I needed help was a huge deal and I should have made better use of her offers to help me. I was just so afraid to get anyone else sick because of me. And maybe there’s still just a little bit of those old issues of low self worth knocking about in my attic that kept me from asking for help. Ugh!

There’s a crazy level of vulnerability that comes when one is unable to speak and it totally caught me off guard. Basically, I lost all the power I’m used to having. It turns out I had a bit too much pride regarding my independence. Being brought so low by Covid and losing my voice has focused me on some things I need to work on-

Knowing I’m worthy of help and asking for it.

Taking better care of my body and health.

Digging deeper into my purpose with more determination.

It drives me nuts what it takes for me to learn these lessons sometimes! Thankfully, I don’t believe I’ll need a similar reminder to keep me on track. This has been a huge reality check regarding the miraculously wonderful life I’m living and it’s value. It has also set me even more passionately on my path with the portrait gifting. Lately, with my resources dwindling I had been getting nervous about the slow growth in support for the work I’m doing. I’m done worrying about that. I will run this thing out with all my heart to the absolute end of my resources. If that happens, I’ll deal with it then. In my heart I believe the support will continue to grow as I do the work of gifting families.

So, all in all, getting slammed by the Rona has brought me to a better place. I’m grateful to have survived and for all that the experience has taught me.

Lastly, and this may seem weird to you, but I’d like to express my gratitude for this truck. Anyone who knows anything about this rig knows how much regular maintenance goes into keeping her running smoothly. For her to just work reliably without issue for that six weeks of extreme weather right on the ocean coast is remarkable. I was so grateful every time I hit the starter and she fired right up.

You got lucky...

It's a rainy day here in San Francisco. I had originally planned to be downtown all day on foot scouting shelters and introducing myself to their managers. The incessant rain postponed that plan for a day or two! I'm presently parked at Lands End near Ocean Beach. The weather has forced me to slow down and reflect for a while, so I felt a new blog post was in order.

Shortly after I parked here this morning, a gentlemen just a bit older than me stopped to ask questions about my truck. As many are, he was surprised to learn Hella is my home. His final words upon parting were, "You make homeless look good son!". I was uncharacteristically stunned by his comment, and totally failed to give my standard response to being called homeless. It's been a while since anybody has called me that. I know he meant it as a compliment too, so it wasn't really a moment for correction especially since he said it as he walked away. But, it was a good reminder of how not homeless I am and how varied people's perception of homelessness is.

In my opinion, personal choice is what defines the difference between homelessness and alternative styles of shelter. Just as is the case with all the nomads I personally know, I planned for and chose to make my vehicle into a rolling home. This is not to say that everyone I've met who has prepped and built out a vehicle to be their home wouldn't prefer to have a traditional brick and mortar home. Many have chosen this route because it's the only way they can afford to pursue their life goals. But, that again was their choice. They could have continued just barely getting by renting a room in a house or a studio apartment or whatever they were doing. But, to do so meant living a life of pure survival. No money for anything but rent, food and bills. So, they decided to get a rig and build it out to be their home whether they stayed put in the same town while working or took to the road nomadically. Either way, the move allowed them to actually save money each month and have more of a life they wanted. They made a choice.

People who are homeless did not prepare for it. They did not choose it. Many argue that they actually did choose it as a consequence of poor choices along the way. I submit to you that that does not constitute a conscious choice. I respectfully challenge you, (as I do anyone who engages this topic with me), to think back to your teens and twenties. How many times in your youthful immortality and cluelessness did you get unbelievably lucky  and not suffer life changing consequences as a result of stupid choices you made? I was not a wild pup in my youth, yet I can still think of a number of times when I chose poorly and got super lucky to not have paid a huge personal price. Or worse yet, hurt or killed someone as a result of an idiotic spontaneous action. When I get to hear the life stories of those who are truly homeless, huge personal trauma is always the catalyst for their lives spiraling out of control. Unbearable pain which lead them to seek out anything that could blunt the agony. Then there are homeless whom life in this country has bankrupted medically. I've found that to be the case with virtually all the people my age or older whom I meet that have been forced to live in whatever car they owned when it happened. 

I share all this in hopes of giving you some perspective. I'd be surprised if many who follow my journey are judgemental people. But, if you happen to be someone who feels disgust when a derelict soul stumbles across your path, I challenge you to take that moment to think about how very blessed you are. It is an absolute fact that had you suffered ubearable trauma, loss, or abuse early in your life without any support to get through it in a healthy way, you could have ended up in a spiral of addiction and homelessness. 

We all make snap judgements of people based on our life experiences. It is human nature and part of our survival instincts. But, it's important to temper them with empathy. It's natural to fear things we have no personal experience with or that frighten us. Don't let that fear devolve into judgement simply because you don't understand. I'm not saying you need to engage with people who frighten you. I'm simply saying that like with anything in your life when fear grips you, you need to engage it and educate yourself rather than turn away from it thoughtlessly. Fear is just an emotion like any other emotion. Nobody enjoys it, but it is an important messenger. Seek out the personal message in your fears and face them. Their is no personal growth without doing so.

The question I constantly get...

I can't have a serious conversation regarding the philanthropy I'm engaged in without the subject of purpose coming up. As soon as it does, whomever I'm talking with almost always asks how one goes about finding their purpose. It's always a tricky topic! This is because there is no single technique for discovering it in our lives. Many who think they have no idea what their purpose may be, simply haven't made the focused effort to discover it. But, beyond really searching oneself for it, I think there's one other action that is key to discovering the unique blessing we are capable of. That action is letting go.

The vast majority of us are not good at this. We live in a culture of raging consumerism, pursuit of social status, and all manner of ready distraction from the truth of ourselves. The last thing most people want to do is let go of anything they have acquired, be it material, relational, real or imagined. We cling ferociously to elements in our lives that we want to bank on as 'forever'. We've been collectively conditioned to believe that these external things and their constant expansion are what give our lives meaning and purpose. When all along they are stealthily pushing our purpose further and further back into the darkest corners of our psyche. Hidden away like the art we made as children that our parents saved in a dusty box somewhere. 

Let me be clear that I'm not saying you have to give up everything you own and live in a truck like me in order to discover your unique purpose! That has simply been the path I needed to manifest mine. What I will tell you is that I don't believe one finds their altruistic purpose without sacrifice. If you want your heart full of the magic of a purpose driven life, you're going to have to shed the elements of your life that stand against it. Addictions, debts, dysfunctional relationships, caring what everyone thinks of you, etc.. The list goes on and on and is unique to each person. 

You have to be brutally honest with yourself about your life. Self examination is something you should regularly make focused time for. And when you do, make it fearless. Say out loud what you're afraid to say out loud. Whatever you feel, about whomever or whatever it is, speak it out loud. Hear your own voice. This is one of the most powerful initial tools in taking steps toward finding and eventually having the courage to manifest your purpose. 

I felt a bit more than crazy when I first realized the portrait gifting was the purpose my skills were meant to serve. It was difficult the first few times I shared it with friends and coworkers. Though they were generally respectful, I could see the 'he's crazy' thoughts behind their responses. But, with each time I shared what I had decided to do, and as I took steps to actually do it, it got more and more concrete. Over time, many came around to seeing the value of what I was doing, and the ones who thought it was crazy just completely fell off my radar. It's funny how sometimes we care what even people we don't respect think of us! How ridiculous! Seeking the approval of everyone around us will never allow one to reach their full potential.

I'd also like to take this moment to state the obvious. Not everyone's purpose is going to raise eyebrows! Yours doesn't have to be unconventional in order to be purposeful! It could be as simple and monumental as creating a safe and loving home for your children. It could be volunteering to spend time with seniors at your local senior center. It could be walking dogs at the local animal shelter. The list of ways you can engage your passions and bless those around you is boundless. Engage with all your love and make no comparisons with what anyone else is doing, because it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. As you do so, a theme will develop like a compass bearing steadily guiding your purpose. Don't be afraid to make mistakes along the way. You will, and you will learn from them. The amazing thing is that you'll find yourself less and less afraid of falling on your face. This is because your heart gets so full and satisfied as you engage your purpose. 

All the time people comment on how happy I seem. It's like the number one first comment I get when people message me. I truly am as happy as I appear on my socials. That contentment comes from knowing to my core that I am doing what I was meant to do in this moment. This is not to say I never have to deal with difficulties and roadblocks. Please! It's not a magic fairy tale life! But, when those things hit me I'm far less reactive than I would be if I wasn't living a life that feels meaningful. 

Finding meaning in your life requires you to find purpose. Finding purpose requires letting go, or un-learning, that which does not serve you in positive ways. It's a simple truth, but one that is often very challenging to execute.

So, start small. Make time to examine your heart and speak your truth. If you're willing to listen, you'll find purpose.

Photo- January, 2022. Image of me enjoying sunrise on Playa Santispac, Sea of Cortez, Baja California. Shot by a fellow traveler who's name I can't recall or find at the moment. Please contact me if you read this Amigo!

How's your vulnerability game?

A question I am often asked is,  'What is a key quality you need in order to thrive as a nomad?' Minimalism and adaptability are always high on the list. But, I have come to believe that a high tolerance for risk is the most important.

Risk tolerance can be hard to come by for a middle-aged adult with enough life experience to know many of the ways things can, and do, go wrong, not to mention how quickly! The pervasive messages in our culture and advertising are firmly rooted in selling security in one form or another. An abundance of policies, services, and products exist to protect or secure our bodies, our possessions, and our financial future. Where would our economy be without fear? It's one of the most powerful advertising sales pitches, right up there with sex.

As a culture we are terrified of losing. Losing possessions, relationships, investments, respect. You name it, the list goes on and is unique to each person. The thing is, you can't have a life of inspiration or purpose without losing. It's my experience that you will likely wrap up this life with a boatload of regret if your over-arching priority was to always do all you could to keep yourself and those you love safe in every conceivable way. 

Think about anyone you have ever been amazed with or inspired by. Have their paths appeared safe to you? Probably not. Which may be the very reason you are so amazed by them. You marvel at their courage and wonder deep down if you have what it takes to make leaps like they did. You may not even know what you'd be willing to make a risky leap for. I can guarantee you that prioritizing absolute safety will keep you from discovering it. 

It's my belief that everyone has a unique purpose and the innate abilities required to pursue it once discovered. Once you figure it out, the first big leap of vulnerability is actually speaking it out loud. Beginning with your inner circle and raidating out from there. That's your first big test of risk tolerance. Being willing to be laughed at, shot down, dismissed out of hand, or worst of all, patronized. This is when you find out who your true people are. If you're brave enough to speak it, you're brave enough to take steps toward it. Don't let it go.

Yes, the pursuit will be difficult. You will likely lose things and people you care about. But, whatever you lose is simply no longer meant for you. It's not likely to be easy or even fun a lot of the time. But, it will be meaningful and will bring a focus to your life the likes of which you have never experienced. Purpose driven people pull like-minded souls into their orbit. It's a magical thing that blows my mind all the time. When you truly commit yourself to your passion, the inspiration flows from within and without. As you move forward your comfort with vulnerability will expand and you'll begin to see how little you had to be afraid of to begin with. 

It's along this path that I really began grasping the temporal nature of everything in our lives. Allowing yourself to live in the illusion of permanence robs you of meaningful existence. You naturally fall prey to assuming you have time, when the reality is that every moment could be your last. 

Stop and think on that. If this was your last moment alive and you knew your time was up, how would you feel about the life you've lived? Would you feel regret or gratitude? We all have some regrets. But, if on balance you don't think you'd feel gratitude, that should tell you something. It's never too late to change your path. You have that choice and power over your life. It's simply a matter of conviction and willingness to be vulnerable.

The biggest sign of a life well lived is a heart full of gratitude. If you think about it, the things we're most grateful for in life are often the result of either ourselves or someone close to us taking a risk. Someone spoke their heart first. Someone risked their resources to help another. Someone risked their social standing to stand for a cause. Someone risked injury for our sake. Life changing moments of great risk define who we are and inspire us to be brave and find our deepest power.

Move beyond your fear.

Photo> Tucker SnoCat of the 1956 Trans Antarctic Expedition. Yes, they saved it from the crevasse which had opened up beneath it!

Where did that come from?!

As any of you who read my blog or watch my YouTube posts knows, I have no horizon in sight when it comes to the end of my days as a full time nomad. I couldn't be happier with, or more inspired than I am, with my current lifestyle. About the only time I ever give any thought to living in a fixed abode it's usually because my kids are talking about their dream home or property someday. But, it's been a while since I've been part of one of those conversations. 

So, I was shocked this morning when I awoke from an intensely vivid dream of finishing up the build of a small, mid 20th century industrial style, shop/house hybrid. Seriously, my conscious self doesn't dream of having a brick and mortar anything! But damn, the place was awesome! 

The building used all kinds of salvaged windows, doors, lights, fixtures and hardware. The exterior was stucco and looked like it belonged on old Route 66. The interior walls were beautiful, dark wood paneling. No drywall anywhere! It had massive windows that flooded the space with natural light. Inside and out it looked like a 1040's mechanic or blacksmith shop. 

The first thing I did was break out the graph paper and excitedly put down the basic concept. Then I wrote down every significant detail about it I could recall.

It's been nearly 12 hours since I dreamt about it and I'm still wandering around it in my head looking at everything.

Like our emotions, our dreams convey important messages. Some we like and some we don't. But they always help us understand what's at the core of our conscious mental state. They regularly show us areas of our lives where we need to do some serious personal work. They often remind us what the people in our lives mean to us. Sometimes they just plain blow us away with inspired creativity. And other times, they give us a glimpse into a desire we didn't even know we had. 

These days the future glimpse is the rarest dream for me to have. I think that's because I've never been happier or more fulfilled with my life. I go to sleep each night grateful for my health and with no sense of longing for anything more than what I have. I see this dream as a reminder that the day could come when I would be excited to have a fixed home base again. It makes me happy to know I could be satisfied with that path shift if and when the day comes to stop rolling full time. 

It's an amazing feeling to flow freely with life's changes rather than fight them. Some are in our control while most are not. All we have control of is how we react and adapt to what life deals us. Dreams are a window into what our broader consciousness is feeling and perceiving. Make time to genuinely hear their messages.

And hey, if and when that shop/house comes to a reality for me, I hope you'll swing by!