Following your gut is not easy

I am a Firefly fan. Wash is my favorite character on the show for many reasons. His self calming chant of, "I'm a leaf on the wind", as he piloted Serenity through crazy maneuver after crazy maneuver always spoke to me. In a lot of ways I have become a leaf on the wind now. It may sound carefree and inspiring to cast off most everything you own and live like I am. At times it certainly is. But, the reality is that I often feel conflicted for pursuing this purpose. This is because, as a seasoned professional photographer, I could be putting my energy into freelancing and be making decent money. I choose instead to pour all my energy into building up Jackdaw, which is a significant financial loss every month. I accept that this is what it will take to get to a point of patronage that is self-sustaining. I ran out of my launch savings and emergency fund months ago, and am now tapping my retirement resources in order to bridge the gap. I know I'm doing what I am supposed to and I won't give up on this. I am so very grateful to my patrons for their monthly support! Jackdaw currently has 22 monthly patrons. I need about 80 more monthly $10 patrons in order to reach a point of survival where I can stop tapping my retirement funds.

Anyway, back to the original point of all this! The thing about my devotion to Jackdaw that is difficult for me to take, is that so many of my loved ones would benefit from me getting back in the freelance game. But, doing so would take all my time and energy and would cripple Jackdaw considerably. I'm not willing to do that unless I reach the point that I'm about to drain my retirement completely dry. It's a wondrous and nerve-wracking ride all at the same time! I could have stayed at CWU and been of significant financial help to the ones I love. Not to mention continue covering my children's health insurance. But, I gave up that choice civil service position at a state university to devote myself to this work and I'll be damned if I'm going to play it safe now. As passionate as I am about what I'm doing, I still battle with feeling like a selfish jerk for leaving such an amazing job. But, in my heart I knew I had to. And those that love me encouraged and supported my decision. They were, and continue to be, amazing. Which only makes me feel more selfish at times about my choices! It's a viscous circle that I can get locked into when I'm not paying close enough attention to what's going on with my true value. When it starts happening, I make time to clear my head and breathe. With fresh perspective, I return to what I've set out to do.

The truth is that by giving of myself like I am, I have more of what's truly valuable to give those I love, as well as the people this work blesses. Time is what I have to give now. Yes, money is necessary and extremely useful. We would all love to not have to worry about it. But, nothing we have is more valuable than time. And I'll take time with those I love, over money any day.

Time, the air I breathe, and the beating of my heart. These are infinitely more valuable than any financial resources. I've never been wealthy, but I've always found a way to get things done. So, I will continue to relax into this work with faith and the outpouring of my heart and energy.

Thanks for being on this ride with me! Namaste