I found a beautiful spot full of enchanting nature trails and apparently what I needed this afternoon was to weep and weep as I walked them. The tears came just two steps onto this bridge as if I had stepped through an invisible waterfall. I stopped and looked ahead absorbing what was happening. It was clear the grief was over the fact that it won't be long before mom crosses a bridge that I can't follow. The pain of slowly losing her over the last year has been excruciating and something only someone who has lost a loved one to this nightmare of a disease can relate to. A year ago I never would have imagined wishing for her to cross that bridge as soon as possible. But, that's exactly where I am now. Wishing she could go and be free from the fear, confusion and humiliation her condition subjects her to nearly every moment she is awake. Free before it's more than my sister and I can care for. I'm wracked with guilt for wishing her mortal time would end, even though I know it would be the most merciful thing for her. I fight feeling there's something wrong with me for wishing it for her. At times like this it's so very difficult to see the lesson or the opportunity being presented to me. But, I know it's there and I'll keep leaning in with a loving heart to the very end. Mom's love for my sister and I has been ever-faithful and total. And that is how we love her, with complete devotion and heart. Treasuring the occasional flashes of clarity when she's here with us again for a moment.
Alzheimers forces loved ones into grief years before the one they love passes. I realized today that all the grief over the last year has in no way prepared me for the finality of mom leaving this plane. It will be crushing for a long while and there is no way around it. Nothing in this life is permanent or secure. The grief of losing one we have loved is testament to how deeply they touched our lives and all they meant to us. It is the manifestation of our connected spirits in transition. A terribly beautiful dance of release. So, we dance...
Soo sad😞
ReplyDeleteLife and love hurts sometimes. It's important we treasure the time we have with those we love.
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ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. This isn't fair. It's a terrible disease. Your feelings aren't wrong, but I totally understand why you feel the guilt. Watching your parent forget their reality is unimaginable. She's lucky to have you and your sister there. One foot in front of the other -- spend as much time as you can with her now. You'll be glad you did!
ReplyDeleteThanks Liz. We're doing the best we can and that's the most anyone can do.
DeleteI reach across the internet and give you a hug! You are not alone in this struggle.
ReplyDeleteThank you my friend!
DeleteIt is such a hard thing. I watched my ex's wonderful father fall away piece by piece and also have friends who have gone through this. I hope you will not let guilt consume you for you are not at all alone and your feelings are understandable and human.
ReplyDeleteSincere thanks for your kind words ducktopian.
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