Perfection does not exist

We are all flawed. On your best day, if you look closely, you will see something you could have done better. I used to live full time in that place of only seeing where I fucked up. It didn't matter if the mistake was miniscule and without consequence. It loomed as large in my view as Godzilla coming ashore in Tokyo. The entirety of the excellence I had created fell away in the shadow of seeing a single flaw in my efforts. That's what it is to live in a state of shame. You feel relentlessly inadequate in your work, hobbies, and especially your relationships.

A lot of folks confuse shame with guilt. Guilt is an emotional reaction to doing something that goes against your conscience or moral code. Shame in it's toxic form is thinking you yourself are intrinsically bad as a person, which is why your action happened in the first place. It's the difference between thinking, 'I did a hurtful thing', and 'I am a hurtful thing'. A toxic shame state is one in which you see yourself as hopelessly inadequate and you can't separate your mistakes from who you are. You identify with the shame you feel for your failures instead of being motivated in a healthy way to grow and do better. You are entirely unable to forgive yourself and let anything go. The result is a constant state of feeling unworthy and a relentless pursuit of perfection. The sense being that if you could just get it right, the pressure would be off and you could be happy with yourself. You could actually relax for a moment and feel that ever elusive sense of being good enough.

The more deeply one identifies with shame, the less one feels their needs are worthy of attention. You feel that if you aren't getting what you need from a relationship, it's simply because you haven't earned it. You haven't given enough of yourself to earn the honor of their affection or tenderness. You slowly give up on yourself and just serve, eventually becoming dark and uninspired. The shame state poisons every relationship and aspect of your life.

It took a singularly severe life event to break me enough for me to be willing to confront the truth of what I had become. I was 48 when I began the painful work of learning how to shed the shame and live in a state of worthiness. If you are reading this and it resonates with you, I would encourage you to research a support group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. That is the program and work that changed my life. It's completely free unless you want to kick in a buck or two for the coffee/pop fund per meeting. You will find yourself seated at the table with kindred spirits in all phases of their own recovery who know exactly what you are going through. It's not an easy path, but it is an effective one. One that identifies the sources of toxicity in your life, helps you learn how to forgive yourself and others, and realize the beauty and worthiness of your true self.

Note- I could not find the artist's name to give credit for the illustration.

Embracing storms

I'm currently in the beautiful little fishing town of Westport, Washington. Some dramatic weather rolled in off the Pacific yesterday evening. It was swift and glorious. Weather like that reminds me so much of life! There is no stopping it and the only thing we have control of is how we react to it.

The Covid19 pandemic has been a storm for everyone in some form or another. I am blessed that my loved ones are all safe thus far. The shutdown has given my children a unique and unforseen opportunity to reset their lives and priorities. Being forced to suspend portrait creation in shelters for the last two months has given me much needed time with my sister as we grieve mom's passing in early March. It has also provided me the headspace for some fresh self-examination.

As many of you know, it's easy to cruise along on autopilot in life. We all do it at times and there is nothing wrong with it so long as our course is authentic. The challenging thing about charting a true course is that it calls for a fair amount of awareness and personal sacrifice. I'm steadily coming to the conclusion that the more inspired one's life is, the more challenging it becomes. Inspiration and challenge seem inextricably linked and scaled in proportion to one's willingness to follow their instincts. It is especially challenging for a recovering people-pleaser such as myself to not feel selfish about decisions I make if they hurt or disappoint someone I love or care about. The deception of that seemingly altruistic impulse to never disappoint is that it's actually about power and control, not love. It's a manifestation of the idea that I actually have power over another's happiness, which of course, nobody does. As adults we are all responsible for ourselves and I can no more make someone else happy and satisfied with their life than they can mine. As a matter of fact, it's when you give in to the illusion that you have that kind of power that you will make both yourself, and the ones you love, sick and dependent. It's an unsustainable and destructive dance of codependency. Love is never ever about power or control.

It takes courage to follow our heart's desire and trust the journey. It also takes faith in those we love and choose to share our lives with. Love calls for us to believe in them and their instincts. It inspires us to strengthen their wings any way that we can even if doing so appears to take them away from us. The truth is, anytime we love like that, it always brings our hearts closer.