Perfection does not exist

We are all flawed. On your best day, if you look closely, you will see something you could have done better. I used to live full time in that place of only seeing where I fucked up. It didn't matter if the mistake was miniscule and without consequence. It loomed as large in my view as Godzilla coming ashore in Tokyo. The entirety of the excellence I had created fell away in the shadow of seeing a single flaw in my efforts. That's what it is to live in a state of shame. You feel relentlessly inadequate in your work, hobbies, and especially your relationships.

A lot of folks confuse shame with guilt. Guilt is an emotional reaction to doing something that goes against your conscience or moral code. Shame in it's toxic form is thinking you yourself are intrinsically bad as a person, which is why your action happened in the first place. It's the difference between thinking, 'I did a hurtful thing', and 'I am a hurtful thing'. A toxic shame state is one in which you see yourself as hopelessly inadequate and you can't separate your mistakes from who you are. You identify with the shame you feel for your failures instead of being motivated in a healthy way to grow and do better. You are entirely unable to forgive yourself and let anything go. The result is a constant state of feeling unworthy and a relentless pursuit of perfection. The sense being that if you could just get it right, the pressure would be off and you could be happy with yourself. You could actually relax for a moment and feel that ever elusive sense of being good enough.

The more deeply one identifies with shame, the less one feels their needs are worthy of attention. You feel that if you aren't getting what you need from a relationship, it's simply because you haven't earned it. You haven't given enough of yourself to earn the honor of their affection or tenderness. You slowly give up on yourself and just serve, eventually becoming dark and uninspired. The shame state poisons every relationship and aspect of your life.

It took a singularly severe life event to break me enough for me to be willing to confront the truth of what I had become. I was 48 when I began the painful work of learning how to shed the shame and live in a state of worthiness. If you are reading this and it resonates with you, I would encourage you to research a support group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. That is the program and work that changed my life. It's completely free unless you want to kick in a buck or two for the coffee/pop fund per meeting. You will find yourself seated at the table with kindred spirits in all phases of their own recovery who know exactly what you are going through. It's not an easy path, but it is an effective one. One that identifies the sources of toxicity in your life, helps you learn how to forgive yourself and others, and realize the beauty and worthiness of your true self.

Note- I could not find the artist's name to give credit for the illustration.