Careful what you wish for...

The saying is as old as the hills. Up until recently I always saw it as cautionary in a 'Don't be stupid' kind of way. But, my perspective on it is shifting. I'm beginning to see it as the reference to manifesting that it has always been. It's funny how we can often be fearful of getting what we wish for. I think that's rooted in a sense that we often don't have a clue what we really need, only what we want. Sometimes we don't even know what we want! Well, I submit to you that we often can't figure out what we need until we pursue what we want. Yes, desire can lead us down some pretty dramatic and often tumultuous paths! But, I can't think of a single experience I've had that was rooted in desire that didn't ultimately teach me a great deal about myself. The trick is not berating yourself for making those choices that you later feel were mistakes, even if they clearly were. Instead of getting down on yourself, seek the lesson the experience is revealing to you. Embrace it fully as the opportunity to evolve that it is. Don't hate yourself for actions that you later regret because nothing can change what happened. Instead of scolding yourself, learn from what happened! Forgive yourself if necessary and make amends if you need to. But, do not call yourself trash. We are all sacred and worthy of mercy, especially from ourselves. It's when you refuse to forgive yourself that you head down a truly dark and destructive path. 

The consequences of my decisions in the last year have been significant. I'm following a path that I know I must and I've never doubted it. But, it is revealing things to me about myself that I haven't seen, or been afraid to see, all my life. Challenging things that go against the grain of conventional wisdom. You'd think that would be easy for a 55 year old guy that has chosen to live in a vintage truck and travel around gifting portraits, right? Nope! I don't think it's easy for anyone, in any walk of life, when they have big realizations about themselves that they didn't see coming. Especially when those realizations deviate from the path that you used to be sure was what you needed. We love to think we have our shit figured out and set in stone. That's about the time the earth shakes and splits things wide open! 

As with all realizations, understanding what you're being shown is often the easy part. Accepting it is the bitch. But, once you see your truth, anything less than accepting it will only bring regret and pain not only for yourself, but for those you love as well. 

So, my Christmas wish for you is that you see yourself ever more clearly with every day, and in so doing, you love and accept who you are becoming.

*Russian compass acquired in the Khan el-Khalili in Cairo, Egypt, February 2019.

Don't deny it

Denial is a hell of a drug! After a lifetime of abusing it up until seven years ago, I will have to vigilantly watch out for it for the rest of my life!

One of the most challenging parts of living authentically is accepting that doing so may deeply disappoint loved ones and friends. The pressure we feel, either from our own desire to not hurt anyone or directly from their expressed feelings, often makes it immensely difficult. Moving ahead with what you know you must do for yourself at those times will likely feel like the most selfish thing you’ve ever done. This is where your sense of self worth becomes a really big deal. 

Before 2013 my sense of personal value was based entirely on my perception of what those I was in relationship with thought of me. The insidious thing about it was that my perceptions were completely fucked. Because of the abuse I had endured as a child and the survival traits I acquired to get through it, no amount of the praise or gratitude they expressed could truly reach me and be accepted within as truth. My value had to be earned and no matter what I did, I never felt truly worthy of anyone’s love or acceptance. All I could ever see were my faults. It was a cancer spread across my soul destroying every healthy cell it encountered. 

That existence constructed an epic fortress of denial. One that no amount of pleading from those close to me could breach. It took an all out assault of such force that there was no stone left intact. Everything had to crumble leaving me without a shred of fantasy to cling to. It was the most bitter brokenness I had ever experienced and it changed my life in ways I never could have foreseen at the time.

From that razed earth I learned to reparent myself and unlearn destructive behaviors. One of the cornerstones of my new foundation is that I am worthy just as I am. That we all are. That foundation continues to be strong and it’s a good thing because what I’m currently doing is challenging some of my perceptions of myself. I’m having to face truths that weren’t really on my radar until my decision to leave the PNW for the winter this year. Since hitting the road last month I am getting a fresh look into exactly who I am by myself alone, and facing it full on. Some of it is very challenging and denial would love to get a new foothold here! 

But, that ain’t happening.

I write this to encourage you to look into the mirror. Look deeply into your own eyes and say, ‘I love you and you are enough’. If your foundation is solid you’ll be able to do it without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t sincerely keep that eye contact until a few years ago. I’m solid with it now, but tears still come when I do it because true self love isn’t easy for me. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, risk tolerance, and acceptance that there are no guarantees anything will work out like you’d like. Funny how we all seem to want a guarantee.

Take deep breaths, trust yourself and leap.