Denial is a hell of a drug! After a lifetime of abusing it up until seven years ago, I will have to vigilantly watch out for it for the rest of my life!
One of the most challenging parts of living authentically is accepting that doing so may deeply disappoint loved ones and friends. The pressure we feel, either from our own desire to not hurt anyone or directly from their expressed feelings, often makes it immensely difficult. Moving ahead with what you know you must do for yourself at those times will likely feel like the most selfish thing you’ve ever done. This is where your sense of self worth becomes a really big deal.
Before 2013 my sense of personal value was based entirely on my perception of what those I was in relationship with thought of me. The insidious thing about it was that my perceptions were completely fucked. Because of the abuse I had endured as a child and the survival traits I acquired to get through it, no amount of the praise or gratitude they expressed could truly reach me and be accepted within as truth. My value had to be earned and no matter what I did, I never felt truly worthy of anyone’s love or acceptance. All I could ever see were my faults. It was a cancer spread across my soul destroying every healthy cell it encountered.
That existence constructed an epic fortress of denial. One that no amount of pleading from those close to me could breach. It took an all out assault of such force that there was no stone left intact. Everything had to crumble leaving me without a shred of fantasy to cling to. It was the most bitter brokenness I had ever experienced and it changed my life in ways I never could have foreseen at the time.
From that razed earth I learned to reparent myself and unlearn destructive behaviors. One of the cornerstones of my new foundation is that I am worthy just as I am. That we all are. That foundation continues to be strong and it’s a good thing because what I’m currently doing is challenging some of my perceptions of myself. I’m having to face truths that weren’t really on my radar until my decision to leave the PNW for the winter this year. Since hitting the road last month I am getting a fresh look into exactly who I am by myself alone, and facing it full on. Some of it is very challenging and denial would love to get a new foothold here!
But, that ain’t happening.
I write this to encourage you to look into the mirror. Look deeply into your own eyes and say, ‘I love you and you are enough’. If your foundation is solid you’ll be able to do it without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t sincerely keep that eye contact until a few years ago. I’m solid with it now, but tears still come when I do it because true self love isn’t easy for me. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, risk tolerance, and acceptance that there are no guarantees anything will work out like you’d like. Funny how we all seem to want a guarantee.
Take deep breaths, trust yourself and leap.
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