Change is the constant...

It's been over six years now since I brought this truck back to life. Over 40,000 miles ticked off on the odometer and rolling along strong. Restoring a derelict vintage vehicle to operational condition and actually taking it on the road full time is a journey unto itself. It teaches one a great deal about life and the evolution thereof. It's one thing to get things working and rolling down the road, it's an entirely different thing to keep things working and adapting to the wear and tear of nomadic life. 

Many of my original designs and builds for Hella have required significant revision and changes as I've learned what works for me and what doesn't. Life is a lot like that too. We set out with clear intentions and the path reveals things about ourselves that we either didn't realize at the beginning, or were afraid to admit. The changes these revelations inspire are often painful and not any fun at all. Learning to accept what's being shown to me when it contradicts what I thought I'd be like, who I am, or what I'm doing, is really hard. All my life previous to 2015 I had lived in a locked existence I had been trained in to in my youth. One that called for total sacrifice of my will and desires. Though I have done the work to be functionally free of that sickness, the condemnation and guilt still rise up in the background when I make personal choices that I know disappoint people I care about, and whom I care about what they think of my character. But, the reality is nobody is required to forever stay who they are at any point in time. We have the right and the power to change our path. The crazy thing for me is that I readily and completely accept that reality for the people in my life. They can totally change up their game any way they want and I will just love them along in their new direction. Yet, I struggle to grant myself the same total acceptance when I shift course in a way that affects others. I think that's probably just the way it is for empathic people. 

As I journey along my unconventional path as a nomad, I discover more and more that I am most at home when I am unanchored. My heart seeks no perception of security or assurances. I just want to be in the world roaming around and serving my purpose. It's so simple that it's hard for me to accept sometimes. Not because I have any doubt it's right for me. But, because I still struggle at times with knowing I have the right to it.

So, I write this blog today as a means of reminding myself that I have the same absolute right to change that I afford to everyone around me. I wish you all the same authority in your lives.

Faith in life

For all my life until 8 years ago, my faith was placed exclusively in theology. In an external saving grace which would ultimately reward my life of constant sacrifice and obedience. I rooted my faith not in myself, but in dogma. From a young age I was taught that my core nature and desires were flawed and evil without the saving grace of a higher power outside of myself. 

It took nearly three years of intense recovery work in the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, (ACA), 12 Step program to reclaim my wholeness. It was a brutal process of peeling away layer after layer of shame which had been heaped upon me with intention by an abusive step farher, as well as many well-intentioned fanatical people who had been in authority over me growing up. The reality is I will always have to pay attention to keeping those old habits in check. Recovery is a process which never truly ends.

From the deeply broken place at which I began my ACA work, losing that external focal point of my faith was extremely challenging. At first I felt desperately lost and weak without the external structures I had placed all my faith in. All my life I had been trained that without God there was nothing good in my true nature. That any power I sensed inside me was dark and sinful and never to be engaged. This made my journey of 're-parenting' in ACA all the more challenging since I was starting off with zero self-worth. Though, that's probably the case with most who come to ACA at desperately broken points in their lives.

The thing I've realized lately, and why I'm writing this post, is that I've become keenly aware of how strong my faith has become. It's an immense sense of peace with whatever life serves up next. No fear of all that could possibly go wrong, instead total faith in the journey being what is meant for me. On top of that, a true sense that I have within me whatever I need in order to adapt and embrace whatever comes. Without consciously seeing it happen, my faith has returned and is stronger than ever. Best of all, it springs from deep within me. It turns out the power and force which I had been raised to suppress and deny was always the true force for good within me. It's quite the epiphany to be having at 56 and there aren't adequate words to describe my gratitude for it and all the good it is manifesting in my life.

This has been my individual experience and path. In no way do I believe it is the right or only way to faith for anyone else. Nor am I condemning anyone's chosen theology or practice. Quite the contrary! I seek to encourage you that no matter your religion or beliefs, the power of your faith burns inside of you. It is yours to place wherever you choose and it is those places you channel it that will flourish. Your life is the very manifestation of what you put your energy and faith into.

Seek your inner truth, know it, accept it, and with all your faith pour your energy into what inspires you.

Lastly, if you are feeling hopeless and devoid of faith, reach out to someone you trust. We need help getting through this life. It is often in our most desperate and broken moments that we have the greatest opportunity to change our lives for the better. But, it takes willingness to be vulnerable and ask for help. Your faith, your hope, can be restored. 

Northbound soon...

My time in San Francisco this time around is drawing to a close. I have definitely come to love this city, it's people, and districts. The entire Bay area is quite special and I could definitely see myself possibly settling here when my nomadic days wrap up. I have no idea when that time will come, but if I settle in the US it will likely be on the California coast.

Jackdaw has gained several patrons this year and it's very encouraging! Current patronage covers just over half my monthly expenses. I'm still pulling from retirement each month to keep the wheels turning, but I have faith full support will be reached before I hit my financial breaking point. I am so grateful for my patrons! This work and all the effort it takes to build this philanthropy wouldn't be possible without each and every one of you. Fuel prices are putting a hit on me, (and everyone), so I've cut down on driving as much as I can. I will spend the summer in the Seattle metro shooting for all the agencies I have established relationships with there, and hopefully adding some new ones. When I return to San Francisco in the Fall, I will be spending the entire winter here doing my best to create the same kind of foundation with agencies here that I have in Seattle. I'll also be experimenting with other ways of creating portraits for marginalized communities beyond family shelters.

I recently created portraits for families at the San Mateo LifeMoves shelter. The house management did the sweetest thing with the 4x6 prints that I delivered from the shoot. They put them in frames before giving them to the families! One of the program associates there, Miguel, emailed me a photo of all their framed portraits arranged together on a table. I was so touched by that! Due to the nature of this work, I virtually never get to see how the portraits I create get displayed or used. So, it was a very special treat to get to see that!

All the travel I did this winter through the western US and Baja was quite the magical and challenging journey! The people, places, and trials, have as usual, shown me more about myself and what I'm capable of. I encourage you to push your bounds whatever they may be. Moving beyond your comfort zone is one of the big keys to personal growth and evolution. I guarantee you will surprise yourself if you give it a try. We are almost always capable of so much more than we realize. 

I'm going to close with my favorite Anthony Bourdain quote. It is one that resonates with me more and more as the years of this nomadic lifestyle roll by...

'Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life - and travel - leave marks on you. Most of the time, those marks - on your body or on your heart - are beautiful. Often though, they hurt.'

Truth.

What's in a word?

The word 'adventure' gets thrown around to describe just about every exciting activity you can imagine these days. It is ever present on tour signage in the coastal towns of Baja. I think part of the word's incredible marketing power is that we all want to feel like a fearless badass. I totally get that. But, the truth is no sane person is truly fearless.

The original definitions for the word 'adventure' have little to do with how the word is used these days. Some examples of earlier definitions for the word-

'An undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks'

'To proceed despite risk' 

'To expose to danger or loss'

         

Basically, it's electing a path beset with known and unknown challenges that will have to be dealt with. By that definition, my solo travels on the Baja Divide Trail definitely qualified and I was feeling it. Mostly beautiful moments, but also strangely frightening ones to be alone and so very remote. I have never felt smaller and more physically vulnerable in my entire life.

In my previous life I longed for 'adventure'. I thought exciting experiences could somehow compensate for the sad truth that I was desperately depressed. Of course, they never could. In my case, the only journey that was going to heal me was an internal one. I needed to head into that frightening personal desert expanse to discover, heal, and accept my true self. I'm telling you right now, the journey of discovering oneself is a true adventure that requires great personal risk and discomfort. I don't know what it's like to push my physical body way beyond it's limits the way an athlete does, so I can't speak to that experience. But, I suspect the internal journey of healing for an adult who was abused as a child is more painful and daunting than any physical challenge an athlete overcomes. Especially since that journey of healing and self discovery never really ends for us.

It never ceases to inspire me when I meet someone who courageously knows and accepts their true self. You look into their eyes and feel in their spirit how much their experiences have changed their perspective on life. They don't consider themselves 'adventurers'. They are not adrenaline junkies. They are instead very present and grounded people with amazing skill sets. They are often survivors who follow their unique path with passion and commitment while keeping their heart and eyes wide open. The majority are not living lives that outwardly appear different from yours. One's path of self discovery and adventure could be the jungles of the corporate world just as much as the jungles of Central America. Where you physically are and how you look has nothing to do with your personal truth and value. 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that if you're courageously embracing your true self, then every day of your life is an adventure to some degree no matter where you are or what you're doing. It won't always give you a thrilling jolt, but it will stretch you and give your days purpose. Thrills are fun and we all love them, but purpose is way more valuable and sustainable. 

So, take good care of you. Make time and space to tend to your personal journey. It's the greatest and most important adventure of your life. Some in your circle will understand it and some will not. Those that genuinely love you will accept and encourage you. 

Photo- On the Baja Divide Trail between Bahia de los Angeles and San Rafael. 

Going the distance...

Leaving the US and driving this far into Mexico has been quite the experience. It's been especially hitting me here in La Paz as locals and travelers alike express excitement and incredulity that I drove a 68 year old truck all the way here from the PNW. I'm sure some would doubt I actually had were it not for my Washington state license plate.

This old Dodge has been my daily driver for 6 years now and she has my confidence. There was never any question in my mind that she could do this trip. At least, not enough to keep me from forging ahead! But, as I see other overlanders here I am reminded just how rare it is to travel so far in a vintage vehicle. I think the oldest overland vehicles I have seen thus far on this trip have been a 70's VW bus and an 80's Toyota Troopy. Of course, lots of VW Westys of all their production years. But, virtually every other overland traveler I've seen has been rolling in vans and trucks no older than 2005. 

I've been parked on the Malecon here in La Paz for the last few days now. it's the first time of my entire Baja trip that I've been spending nights in a downtown area. So, it's been my first time to have so much Hella based interaction with locals. It's been just like when I spend days at Ocean Beach in San Francisco or Golden Gardens in Seattle. Except with a language barrier, but that doesn't keep anyone from enjoying the experience. My 'MEGUSTA' license plate is a huge hit and has featured in dozens of people's selfies since I got here. 

All of this, combined with having reached the southern terminus of my Baja trip, has really been moving for me. It's so true that you don't know the extent of what you're capable of until you push far beyond your comfort zones. And it often takes seeing the reaction of someone new to your story to be reminded yourself of the magnitude of what you've accomplished. It's been almost seven years since I was given this idea and purpose in a dream. It seemed like an impossible task at that time and it wasn't easy to keep taking the baby steps that ultimately brought it to fruition. It is profoundly moving to find myself actually living it now. I really have a hard time believing it sometimes! Especially when taking into account that the birth of this idea arose from the most painful period of my adult life.

For those of you reading this who are currently mired in grief or pain and feeling a million miles from any state of serenity or gratitude, I want to encourage you to have faith. I know how hopeless and excruciating loss can be and we never get to know how long our recovery journey will take, nor what that path will be. It takes tremendous faith and willingness to be vulnerable in order to reinvent your life and purpose. It is not an easy road, but I promise you it will be worth the effort. The dreams you have are not fantasy. They are your inspired core desire nudging you toward your purpose. Don't write them off as crazy. At least hear them out and give it thought. There's not much you can't accomplish if you're willing to commit your heart and mind to it. Yes, it's going to take time, perhaps years like it has for me. But, no matter what you choose to do, those years will pass anyway and you never get them back. Time is some of the most valuable capital you possess. Make it count.

Photo from the Baja Divide Trail between Bahia de los Angeles and El Arco, Baja California, Mexico 🇲🇽 

What's home to you?

The definition of home is a personal thing. It can be a physical place, a region, people we love, or all of these.

For me the world is home. I spend a great deal of time in my 'yard', which is whatever environment I have parked in for the moment. It's a surreal lifestyle in many ways, not the least of which is the constantly changing view I awaken to each morning when traveling like I currently am. 

I feel amazing kinship with the humans I meet along the way. Even in my current situation in Mexico as a beginning speaker of Español, I feel the connection with all whom I've stumbled through communicating with. They've been sweet and entertained by my attempts to actually speak their language! I gain a bit more ability with every encounter. And of course, Hella is a huge hit everywhere I go. People often hoot and whistle with big smiles and thumbs up as we roll by. This rig really is magic. I cannot imagine doing what I do in a modern overland rig. I'm sure the experience would be dramatically different on many levels. I'll stick with rolling vintage, thanks!

So, back to 'Home'. Of course,  the people I love will always be my heart's home. But, in the physical world, after giving up all that I have to be free to do what I do, the world has genuinely become my home. 

There is no geographic place that I consider home anymore. Home is simply wherever I am. It dawned on me anew last evening as the rain began and a few coyotes trotted by a couple hundred feet in front of me. I feel so much more connected to the physical world now than I ever did when living in a conventional home. I see really sweet and beautiful homes everywhere I travel and no matter how awesome they may be, I wouldn't trade my little truck house for any of them. This life of such freedom and environmental diversity is constantly inspiring to me. 

I may sound like a nomad life evangelist but Im really not! It's definitely not for everyone. And please don't confuse my life with those for whom terrible circumstances have forced them to live in their vehicles. The only people I know who enjoy this lifestyle are the ones who chose it. I am one of the lucky ones, for sure. Blessed to enjoy this path and make purposeful use of what it makes possible. 

It's New Year's Eve and I wanted to wish you all a blessed and inspired 2022! I sincerely wish that you feel grounded and home wherever you are. Sincere thanks to all of you who help support the Jackdaw mission! 

¡Feliz año nuevo!

Rico

The immensity of freedom

Ever since hitting the road south a month ago, I've been pondering what exactly it is that I so love about nomadic life. I'm beginning to think it's the relentless change of it all. Every day brings something unfamiliar. A new challenge, (not always fun!), encounters with new people, new places to explore. Large or small, the daily discoveries teach me about myself and what fills me up. The newness of it all is a kind of magic. Of course, there are daily routines and not so glamorous sides to nomad life just as with any lifestyle. But on balance, I think you'd be hard pressed to find another way of life that offers up such constant renewal and wonder. Imagine the views out your bedroom windows being different each morning. Your daily walk or bike ride regularly being unfamiliar. For many, that kind of constant change is uncomfortable or even stressful. But for me, it is a wonderful gift that I relish. Simple things like the morning and evening light coming through the windows from different angles all the time. In the fog of first awakening, there are mornings when I don't even remember exactly where I am.

In a simple way that sums up the magic of this lifestyle for those of us who are well suited to it. We thrive within all the change. Many of the nomads my age whom I have met are recovering people pleasers and control freaks just as I am. In our previous lives we were terrified of change and sought to control every element of our lives and those we were in relationship with. All the while not having a clue that there is nothing we have control of beyond our own words and actions. So much wasted energy and harm done in the name of fear and shame.

That life is far behind me now and it's like time has slowed down significantly for me. I see my life not before me, but right here now, only in this moment. I don't seek to control anything outside of myself anymore. Not a day passes for me without an inspired moment of deep gratitude for the life I lead and the experiences of the day. This life of such minimalist simplicity has turned out to be much more than a purposeful lifestyle. I see now that it is who I have always been at heart. 

Sometimes when talking to someone about what I'm doing, a look of disapproval will flash across their face. The look that plainly says I could accomplish so much more than I am. Or worse yet, that I'm just a midlife burnout running from life. In those moments my heart opens even wider because there was a time when I used to judge people that way. The idea that the value of a life could be quantified by what a person accomplished in their career or built in the physical world. In my opinion, it is striving hard in every aspect of one's life that literally takes what's most important in life away from them. Our lives are brief and precious, and we need so much less than what our culture is relentlessly telling us we do. One of the biggest gifts you will ever give yourself is gaining a true grasp of the difference between what you want and what you need. So much of what people think they can't live without is pure distraction used to foster the illusion that they are happy with their lives. 

Writing about all this vividly reminds me of the deep denial I was trained in and lived for 40 years before that world burned to the ground nearly ten years ago now. Yes, I've swung wide in the other direction now and I won't deny it! But, in doing so I have finally come home to the true core of the person I am. Call it destiny, past lives, whatever you like. The reality is I have the heart and spirit of a wanderer. I come alive within the constant change and challenge.

My wish for you is that you have found, or are on your way to finding, your genuine place in your world. It's not easy and takes a great deal of determination, risk, courage and honesty to get there. But, I promise you it is all worth it. Just pay careful attention to your motivations. Always check in with yourself and be sure they are rooted in love. With that as your foundation, you will go in the right direction.