When everything stops...

Coronavirus ravaged me for six weeks from early December through mid January. It threw everything at me short of putting me in the hospital. High fevers, relentless convulsive coughing, restricted breathing, loss of taste and smell, full body hives, disorientation, extreme weakness, and last but not least, the loss of my voice for nearly a month. The only physical upshot is I lost some stubborn pounds as a result of no appetite or difficulty eating at all.

All this whilst holing up in my truck through a record nearly 3 weeks of storms lashing the central California coast. Relentless dark days of wind and torrential rain. I should have gotten a room for a week or two rather than enduring all that in Hella. But, I wasn’t thinking clearly and I kept thinking the next day would be better. Better days didn’t happen until about week 5. It was the longest and most brutal illness I have ever experienced. I learned a great deal from the experience and will do things differently if ever faced with something like that again.

I have lived a physically blessed adult life. No chronic illness or conditions of any kind. I did contract Pertussis in 2012 and that scarred my lungs which was definitely a factor in how hard Covid hit me. Thankfully, I exercise regularly so my lungs were pretty strong when Covid came along. All the same, not having ever experienced anything like this, I didn’t take it seriously soon enough. I’m grateful to have survived my lack of prompt action on my health’s behalf. It’s testament to how strong my system is, but has also shown me how much smarter I have to be in the future with something like this. I don’t feel 57, but I am, and I have to take these things more seriously.

There were several feverish, disoriented nights when I was fearful things were going to take a worse turn. When sleep would come I thought about what if this was it? I have often said that when I lay down to sleep at night I do so happy with my life and with no regrets. That if this was my last day, I know I lived it fully and with purpose. That’s easy to say when you’re healthy. At my most frightening moments with Covid, I was definitely thinking, ‘Please, don’t let this be the end!’. It was truly frightening being too weak to do anything for myself in those moments. To make matters even worse, I lost my voice in the middle of all that. I literally couldn’t have called 911 if I needed to. Of course, I could have texted my daughter and she would have been my voice. Knowing she was there for me if I needed help was a huge deal and I should have made better use of her offers to help me. I was just so afraid to get anyone else sick because of me. And maybe there’s still just a little bit of those old issues of low self worth knocking about in my attic that kept me from asking for help. Ugh!

There’s a crazy level of vulnerability that comes when one is unable to speak and it totally caught me off guard. Basically, I lost all the power I’m used to having. It turns out I had a bit too much pride regarding my independence. Being brought so low by Covid and losing my voice has focused me on some things I need to work on-

Knowing I’m worthy of help and asking for it.

Taking better care of my body and health.

Digging deeper into my purpose with more determination.

It drives me nuts what it takes for me to learn these lessons sometimes! Thankfully, I don’t believe I’ll need a similar reminder to keep me on track. This has been a huge reality check regarding the miraculously wonderful life I’m living and it’s value. It has also set me even more passionately on my path with the portrait gifting. Lately, with my resources dwindling I had been getting nervous about the slow growth in support for the work I’m doing. I’m done worrying about that. I will run this thing out with all my heart to the absolute end of my resources. If that happens, I’ll deal with it then. In my heart I believe the support will continue to grow as I do the work of gifting families.

So, all in all, getting slammed by the Rona has brought me to a better place. I’m grateful to have survived and for all that the experience has taught me.

Lastly, and this may seem weird to you, but I’d like to express my gratitude for this truck. Anyone who knows anything about this rig knows how much regular maintenance goes into keeping her running smoothly. For her to just work reliably without issue for that six weeks of extreme weather right on the ocean coast is remarkable. I was so grateful every time I hit the starter and she fired right up.

You got lucky...

It's a rainy day here in San Francisco. I had originally planned to be downtown all day on foot scouting shelters and introducing myself to their managers. The incessant rain postponed that plan for a day or two! I'm presently parked at Lands End near Ocean Beach. The weather has forced me to slow down and reflect for a while, so I felt a new blog post was in order.

Shortly after I parked here this morning, a gentlemen just a bit older than me stopped to ask questions about my truck. As many are, he was surprised to learn Hella is my home. His final words upon parting were, "You make homeless look good son!". I was uncharacteristically stunned by his comment, and totally failed to give my standard response to being called homeless. It's been a while since anybody has called me that. I know he meant it as a compliment too, so it wasn't really a moment for correction especially since he said it as he walked away. But, it was a good reminder of how not homeless I am and how varied people's perception of homelessness is.

In my opinion, personal choice is what defines the difference between homelessness and alternative styles of shelter. Just as is the case with all the nomads I personally know, I planned for and chose to make my vehicle into a rolling home. This is not to say that everyone I've met who has prepped and built out a vehicle to be their home wouldn't prefer to have a traditional brick and mortar home. Many have chosen this route because it's the only way they can afford to pursue their life goals. But, that again was their choice. They could have continued just barely getting by renting a room in a house or a studio apartment or whatever they were doing. But, to do so meant living a life of pure survival. No money for anything but rent, food and bills. So, they decided to get a rig and build it out to be their home whether they stayed put in the same town while working or took to the road nomadically. Either way, the move allowed them to actually save money each month and have more of a life they wanted. They made a choice.

People who are homeless did not prepare for it. They did not choose it. Many argue that they actually did choose it as a consequence of poor choices along the way. I submit to you that that does not constitute a conscious choice. I respectfully challenge you, (as I do anyone who engages this topic with me), to think back to your teens and twenties. How many times in your youthful immortality and cluelessness did you get unbelievably lucky  and not suffer life changing consequences as a result of stupid choices you made? I was not a wild pup in my youth, yet I can still think of a number of times when I chose poorly and got super lucky to not have paid a huge personal price. Or worse yet, hurt or killed someone as a result of an idiotic spontaneous action. When I get to hear the life stories of those who are truly homeless, huge personal trauma is always the catalyst for their lives spiraling out of control. Unbearable pain which lead them to seek out anything that could blunt the agony. Then there are homeless whom life in this country has bankrupted medically. I've found that to be the case with virtually all the people my age or older whom I meet that have been forced to live in whatever car they owned when it happened. 

I share all this in hopes of giving you some perspective. I'd be surprised if many who follow my journey are judgemental people. But, if you happen to be someone who feels disgust when a derelict soul stumbles across your path, I challenge you to take that moment to think about how very blessed you are. It is an absolute fact that had you suffered ubearable trauma, loss, or abuse early in your life without any support to get through it in a healthy way, you could have ended up in a spiral of addiction and homelessness. 

We all make snap judgements of people based on our life experiences. It is human nature and part of our survival instincts. But, it's important to temper them with empathy. It's natural to fear things we have no personal experience with or that frighten us. Don't let that fear devolve into judgement simply because you don't understand. I'm not saying you need to engage with people who frighten you. I'm simply saying that like with anything in your life when fear grips you, you need to engage it and educate yourself rather than turn away from it thoughtlessly. Fear is just an emotion like any other emotion. Nobody enjoys it, but it is an important messenger. Seek out the personal message in your fears and face them. Their is no personal growth without doing so.

The question I constantly get...

I can't have a serious conversation regarding the philanthropy I'm engaged in without the subject of purpose coming up. As soon as it does, whomever I'm talking with almost always asks how one goes about finding their purpose. It's always a tricky topic! This is because there is no single technique for discovering it in our lives. Many who think they have no idea what their purpose may be, simply haven't made the focused effort to discover it. But, beyond really searching oneself for it, I think there's one other action that is key to discovering the unique blessing we are capable of. That action is letting go.

The vast majority of us are not good at this. We live in a culture of raging consumerism, pursuit of social status, and all manner of ready distraction from the truth of ourselves. The last thing most people want to do is let go of anything they have acquired, be it material, relational, real or imagined. We cling ferociously to elements in our lives that we want to bank on as 'forever'. We've been collectively conditioned to believe that these external things and their constant expansion are what give our lives meaning and purpose. When all along they are stealthily pushing our purpose further and further back into the darkest corners of our psyche. Hidden away like the art we made as children that our parents saved in a dusty box somewhere. 

Let me be clear that I'm not saying you have to give up everything you own and live in a truck like me in order to discover your unique purpose! That has simply been the path I needed to manifest mine. What I will tell you is that I don't believe one finds their altruistic purpose without sacrifice. If you want your heart full of the magic of a purpose driven life, you're going to have to shed the elements of your life that stand against it. Addictions, debts, dysfunctional relationships, caring what everyone thinks of you, etc.. The list goes on and on and is unique to each person. 

You have to be brutally honest with yourself about your life. Self examination is something you should regularly make focused time for. And when you do, make it fearless. Say out loud what you're afraid to say out loud. Whatever you feel, about whomever or whatever it is, speak it out loud. Hear your own voice. This is one of the most powerful initial tools in taking steps toward finding and eventually having the courage to manifest your purpose. 

I felt a bit more than crazy when I first realized the portrait gifting was the purpose my skills were meant to serve. It was difficult the first few times I shared it with friends and coworkers. Though they were generally respectful, I could see the 'he's crazy' thoughts behind their responses. But, with each time I shared what I had decided to do, and as I took steps to actually do it, it got more and more concrete. Over time, many came around to seeing the value of what I was doing, and the ones who thought it was crazy just completely fell off my radar. It's funny how sometimes we care what even people we don't respect think of us! How ridiculous! Seeking the approval of everyone around us will never allow one to reach their full potential.

I'd also like to take this moment to state the obvious. Not everyone's purpose is going to raise eyebrows! Yours doesn't have to be unconventional in order to be purposeful! It could be as simple and monumental as creating a safe and loving home for your children. It could be volunteering to spend time with seniors at your local senior center. It could be walking dogs at the local animal shelter. The list of ways you can engage your passions and bless those around you is boundless. Engage with all your love and make no comparisons with what anyone else is doing, because it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. As you do so, a theme will develop like a compass bearing steadily guiding your purpose. Don't be afraid to make mistakes along the way. You will, and you will learn from them. The amazing thing is that you'll find yourself less and less afraid of falling on your face. This is because your heart gets so full and satisfied as you engage your purpose. 

All the time people comment on how happy I seem. It's like the number one first comment I get when people message me. I truly am as happy as I appear on my socials. That contentment comes from knowing to my core that I am doing what I was meant to do in this moment. This is not to say I never have to deal with difficulties and roadblocks. Please! It's not a magic fairy tale life! But, when those things hit me I'm far less reactive than I would be if I wasn't living a life that feels meaningful. 

Finding meaning in your life requires you to find purpose. Finding purpose requires letting go, or un-learning, that which does not serve you in positive ways. It's a simple truth, but one that is often very challenging to execute.

So, start small. Make time to examine your heart and speak your truth. If you're willing to listen, you'll find purpose.

Photo- January, 2022. Image of me enjoying sunrise on Playa Santispac, Sea of Cortez, Baja California. Shot by a fellow traveler who's name I can't recall or find at the moment. Please contact me if you read this Amigo!

How's your vulnerability game?

A question I am often asked is,  'What is a key quality you need in order to thrive as a nomad?' Minimalism and adaptability are always high on the list. But, I have come to believe that a high tolerance for risk is the most important.

Risk tolerance can be hard to come by for a middle-aged adult with enough life experience to know many of the ways things can, and do, go wrong, not to mention how quickly! The pervasive messages in our culture and advertising are firmly rooted in selling security in one form or another. An abundance of policies, services, and products exist to protect or secure our bodies, our possessions, and our financial future. Where would our economy be without fear? It's one of the most powerful advertising sales pitches, right up there with sex.

As a culture we are terrified of losing. Losing possessions, relationships, investments, respect. You name it, the list goes on and is unique to each person. The thing is, you can't have a life of inspiration or purpose without losing. It's my experience that you will likely wrap up this life with a boatload of regret if your over-arching priority was to always do all you could to keep yourself and those you love safe in every conceivable way. 

Think about anyone you have ever been amazed with or inspired by. Have their paths appeared safe to you? Probably not. Which may be the very reason you are so amazed by them. You marvel at their courage and wonder deep down if you have what it takes to make leaps like they did. You may not even know what you'd be willing to make a risky leap for. I can guarantee you that prioritizing absolute safety will keep you from discovering it. 

It's my belief that everyone has a unique purpose and the innate abilities required to pursue it once discovered. Once you figure it out, the first big leap of vulnerability is actually speaking it out loud. Beginning with your inner circle and raidating out from there. That's your first big test of risk tolerance. Being willing to be laughed at, shot down, dismissed out of hand, or worst of all, patronized. This is when you find out who your true people are. If you're brave enough to speak it, you're brave enough to take steps toward it. Don't let it go.

Yes, the pursuit will be difficult. You will likely lose things and people you care about. But, whatever you lose is simply no longer meant for you. It's not likely to be easy or even fun a lot of the time. But, it will be meaningful and will bring a focus to your life the likes of which you have never experienced. Purpose driven people pull like-minded souls into their orbit. It's a magical thing that blows my mind all the time. When you truly commit yourself to your passion, the inspiration flows from within and without. As you move forward your comfort with vulnerability will expand and you'll begin to see how little you had to be afraid of to begin with. 

It's along this path that I really began grasping the temporal nature of everything in our lives. Allowing yourself to live in the illusion of permanence robs you of meaningful existence. You naturally fall prey to assuming you have time, when the reality is that every moment could be your last. 

Stop and think on that. If this was your last moment alive and you knew your time was up, how would you feel about the life you've lived? Would you feel regret or gratitude? We all have some regrets. But, if on balance you don't think you'd feel gratitude, that should tell you something. It's never too late to change your path. You have that choice and power over your life. It's simply a matter of conviction and willingness to be vulnerable.

The biggest sign of a life well lived is a heart full of gratitude. If you think about it, the things we're most grateful for in life are often the result of either ourselves or someone close to us taking a risk. Someone spoke their heart first. Someone risked their resources to help another. Someone risked their social standing to stand for a cause. Someone risked injury for our sake. Life changing moments of great risk define who we are and inspire us to be brave and find our deepest power.

Move beyond your fear.

Photo> Tucker SnoCat of the 1956 Trans Antarctic Expedition. Yes, they saved it from the crevasse which had opened up beneath it!

Where did that come from?!

As any of you who read my blog or watch my YouTube posts knows, I have no horizon in sight when it comes to the end of my days as a full time nomad. I couldn't be happier with, or more inspired than I am, with my current lifestyle. About the only time I ever give any thought to living in a fixed abode it's usually because my kids are talking about their dream home or property someday. But, it's been a while since I've been part of one of those conversations. 

So, I was shocked this morning when I awoke from an intensely vivid dream of finishing up the build of a small, mid 20th century industrial style, shop/house hybrid. Seriously, my conscious self doesn't dream of having a brick and mortar anything! But damn, the place was awesome! 

The building used all kinds of salvaged windows, doors, lights, fixtures and hardware. The exterior was stucco and looked like it belonged on old Route 66. The interior walls were beautiful, dark wood paneling. No drywall anywhere! It had massive windows that flooded the space with natural light. Inside and out it looked like a 1040's mechanic or blacksmith shop. 

The first thing I did was break out the graph paper and excitedly put down the basic concept. Then I wrote down every significant detail about it I could recall.

It's been nearly 12 hours since I dreamt about it and I'm still wandering around it in my head looking at everything.

Like our emotions, our dreams convey important messages. Some we like and some we don't. But they always help us understand what's at the core of our conscious mental state. They regularly show us areas of our lives where we need to do some serious personal work. They often remind us what the people in our lives mean to us. Sometimes they just plain blow us away with inspired creativity. And other times, they give us a glimpse into a desire we didn't even know we had. 

These days the future glimpse is the rarest dream for me to have. I think that's because I've never been happier or more fulfilled with my life. I go to sleep each night grateful for my health and with no sense of longing for anything more than what I have. I see this dream as a reminder that the day could come when I would be excited to have a fixed home base again. It makes me happy to know I could be satisfied with that path shift if and when the day comes to stop rolling full time. 

It's an amazing feeling to flow freely with life's changes rather than fight them. Some are in our control while most are not. All we have control of is how we react and adapt to what life deals us. Dreams are a window into what our broader consciousness is feeling and perceiving. Make time to genuinely hear their messages.

And hey, if and when that shop/house comes to a reality for me, I hope you'll swing by!

Resistance always presents opportunity

Following your gut will rarely be an effortless and pleasant experience. More often than not, it means pushing through considerable resistance. It's a sad thing how much our western culture prioritizes comfort and the illusion of security. I often have conversations with people who are heavily burdened with the weight of the life they have created for themselves. Many of them have followed the prescribed path and achieved significant financial success. Yet, their lives feel heavy rather than liberated. 

I'll never forget the difficult process of letting go of 95% of my material possessions in preparation for the minimalist life I now live. Even though I didn't have much compared to most of my peers, it was still an unsettling experience at first. But, as I progressed through the task it got easier and easier to let go of things. I began feeling a deep sense of freedom that no amount of material possessions could ever deliver. The resistance to liberating myself waned with every step. 

By far the most challenging thing to walk away from was my amazing Civil Service job at Central Washington University. It was a true gem with all the job security and benefits one could ask for. At times I felt like a lunatic for walking away from that golden ticket of a conventional path to a terrific retirement. I would have stayed with it two years longer than I did had it not been for my mom's needs. I'm grateful for that motivation getting me out sooner than planned. The timing ended up being ideal not only for me, but for my family as well.

Even with absolute faith in my purpose, there was still tremendous resistance within me at times. It was the classic internal conflict of love versus fear. The resistance we encounter, either external or internal, is almost always rooted in fear. Fear of what might happen, fear of loss, fear of what others will think. 

Resistance is the opportunity to face and move through your fears. There is no path to your heart's desire and purpose that will not require periods of moving forward through resistance. Of course, you have to be clear about what you are doing. I'm not talking about blind faith. I'm talking about clarity of purpose. If you are moving with clarity, resistance is almost always a sign that you are going the right direction. 

Following my purpose through all the challenges continues to show me more and more about myself. Much of what it has taught me is counter to who I was raised to believe I should be. The journey out of those external expectations and boundaries continues to transform my sense of self and life view. And I'm still not always comfortable with it. 

There are low moments when I deeply question my path and where it's taking me. While my choices have created a life that challenges and inspires me, it has also created a very solo path which I've been surprised to discover I'm very comfortable with. So comfortable in fact, that it sometimes conerns me. When I dig in and look into that concern it is always rooted in fear. We are so programmed to think that being alone is bad somehow. That everyone needs to have a partner and if you don't, there's something wrong with you. That's such bullshit. There's nothing more wrong or dysfunctional with the desire to be alone than there is with the desire for partnership. You simply have the desire for one or the other. Not to mention that can always change. Yes, we have the freedome to change our paths! 

Which brings me back around to resistance. Whether presenting itself internally or externally, socially or physically, it is always telling you to dig deep. To feel the resistance and get to the root of it so you have full understanding. It's from that place of clarity that you either course correct, or push through. The important thing is that you make a conscious choice for yourself rather than deferring to the flow of external expectations of you. 

You choose!

Image> Card from the Urban Crow oracle deck by MJ Cullinane.

Jackdaw transparency...

As most everyone who follows me knows, jackdaw.love is about gifting portraits to families who are underpriviliged or homeless. I've been at this work full time for 4 years as of July 31, 2022. As of this blog post, I have created portraits for 389 families! All of which have been provided at no charge to the families as well as the operations that house them. There are three key ways I am financially pulling this off thus far.

1> I live in my truck full time in order to keep my monthly expenses low. No rent or mortgage.

2> I maintain a Patreon account where people who want to support the work I do can make automatic monthly donations. I also have a PayPal donation link on my website. 

3> I pull from my retirement savings every month to cover the balance of my operating expenses.

At this point in time, my Patrons are covering almost half my monthly expenses- Thank you, you guys rock! My biggest expense is fuel. Next is food, and then cell phone, insurance, print paper and cartridges, a small storage unit, gym membership, and miscellaneous web related expenses.

In the last 6 months since the Exploring Alternatives video went live, I have gained about 20 patrons which has been fantastic! I think there's a possiblity that many of them became patrons without reading through my website for a thorough explanation of the work I do and how it's done. As a result, in the last few months I have lost a few  who have stated 'Lack of Transparency' for their reason they ended their patronage. This is what motivated me to write this post.

I know it's challenging for many who support this work to never get to see any of the portraits. But, protecting our subject's privacy is of paramount importance. The vast majority of the people I photograph are escaping domestic violence. Many are dealing with cataclysmic loss. Many are making their first tangible steps to recover from alcohol or drug addiction. Many are hopeful about the steps they are taking at the point I photograph their family. But, they are far from being willing to let their portraits out in the public domain. Yes, I do ask on occasion when it seems a possibility. But thus far, only one family has given me permission to share their portrait. Consequently, that's the portrait on my public Patreon page. 

You see, I experienced domestic violence as a young teen and have lived the scenario when a mom has to literally escape with her children while her husband is at work. I know that terror first hand. From the very beginning of this work, I have made it crystal clear to every family that they own the photos we create for them and that I will never publish them. This is a sacred and non-negotiable trust. The families own the portraits I create and even the shelters that house them have no rights to the portraits unless the families grant them.

Something new I'll be doing is  anonymously sharing some of the very moving experiences I have whilst photographing these families. I'll be doing this on occasion on my weekly YouTube video post. You can find my YouTube channel by searching 'jackdaw.love' there.  

There aren't words for how grateful I am to the donors and patrons of this work! I would have been out of funds two years ago were it not for your support. It's been just enough to keep extending me out bit by bit so I can keep at this as my full time purpose. Thank you! I also deeply appreciate your understanding regarding not getting to see the portraits you make possible. That is truly selfless charity and I am deeply honored by it. Let me also assure you that the families you are blessing are extremely grateful!

It's my hope that this post answers questions regarding how this all works and I encourage you to use the comments to ask any questions you may have. You may also feel free to email me if you prefer a more private dialog. My email is redskyphoto@yahoo.com.

As always, thank you for your support and for taking the time to read this.

Sincerely,

Rich