Tacking into winter...

Fall is definitely here along with it's unpredictable weather and rainy Seattle days. This time last year the infatuation stage of my relationship with #vanlife was just beginning to wane. I am way beyond that now and the interesting thing is I am enjoying this lifestyle more and more. Last October I didn't know what to expect of a west side winter in Hella. At the time I was still struggling to get the go-ahead with agencies to set up family portrait days in their shelters. By October I finally had portrait days going which was a big relief. But then, Hella's engine began clapping out and the clutch slipping. By the end of October, I couldn't drive the truck anymore except around Ballard. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was renting Uhaul vans and riding the bus with all my gear in order to do Jackdaw shoots! Suffice to say October through December 2018 was a very challenging time! With the truck broken down and the sunny days of open windows and doors and cooking outside over with for a few months, it all added up to a difficult period of feeling isolated and disconnected. But, oh what a difference a year makes! While there are still a great many challenges and unknowns in my life, I am entering this winter season in a much more positive state. I've put nearly 6000 miles on Hella's new drivetrain and she is running beautifully. I have made a great deal of new friends along the way and I certainly don't feel isolated anymore. There is quite the warm community of vehicle dwellers in Ballard, not to mention all the great locals that have introduced themselves thanks to Hella's vintage nature and rugged good looks. I've also made good friends with the local crows and they are always good company. As a matter of fact, I have so much community now that I have to go out of my way to get truly quiet, solo time.

It's been a unique experience for me since I have historically been an introverted person. Obviously, the exact opposite personality is required in order to build a philanthropic outreach like Jackdaw. Fortunately, I have become much more acquainted with my extrovert side. But, that has a lot more to do with years of personal work to reclaim a healthy sense of self worth than it does with Jackdaw's demands. It's quite something to look at all the events and changes in my life over the last six years and see how each has played an imperative and significant role in bringing me to the place I find myself now. I would have skipped so many of them if I could have chosen to at the time! There are so many times in our lives when we need to be broken in order to evolve. Nobody enjoys that shit, but it certainly gives us huge opportunities to grow.

One of my newly favorite quotes is attributed to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He said, "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor". I don't know if he wrote it or not, but he certainly had enough storms in his life that he earned the right to say it. Jackdaw has a long way to go to get to anything resembling smooth seas. And that's just fine. I know to my core that I am doing what I am meant to do, and I have complete faith in the journey. I am constantly humbled and encouraged by people's kind words and support. Never in my adult life have I had so little materially, and yet I feel so rich. I see the magic in every day and am constantly giving thanks for it. Such is a life of purpose and I highly recommend it! Passionately harness your natural abilities and talents and focus them with your heart's intent. Doing so will reveal your purpose and inspire your life. Don't ever tell yourself it's too late to chart a new course. There is always a way to make good use of your unique gifts. You simply have to be brave enough to leave port.

So very hard to let them flail...

I'm no paragon of wisdom. But, I've lived long enough to learn hard lessons from monumental mistakes and have consequently become adept at recognizing a looming train wreck. Nowadays I use this radar to good effect in all kinds of scenarios from the trivial to the significant.

Lately I've been struggling to resist using that radar to constantly save someone I care about from themselves. I've helped them avoid so many missteps in the last year that I now see how doing so has kept them from effectively internalizing important life lessons. Lessons that I learned the hard way in my twenties when nobody experienced was watching out for me. As painful and costly as that time of my life was, those disasters were instrumental in ushering me into responsible adulthood. Nothing so mercilessly brings about personal clarity regarding our choices as when the train has jumped the tracks and we're crawling out of the wreckage.

My love for this person is a huge motivation behind my desire to help them avoid suffering from poor choices. But, the reality is that a significant percentage of my compulsion to 'rescue' them from themselves is a selfish desire to not have to deal with the fallout of what could befall them if left to their own devices. In so doing, I have fostered their immaturity and dependence. That's so the opposite of what I want to do! What a true friend, mentor or parent does is encourage and foster responsibility and independence. We should stay focused on living our best life while giving counsel when it is sought and being a helpful resource when those we care about are digging themselves out of a hole of their creation. The key is letting them do the digging.

So, I am working hard to step back and consciously allow them to grow on their own. At times it feels as if there will always be something I am having to release my grip on. Letting go is by far the most difficult aspect of love. It takes faith in a process we cannot foresee and willingness to be vulnerable. Journey on!

A worthy cause

In my life prior to 2013 I operated in a steady state of looking so far down the road that I was completely oblivious to the truth of who I was and how I was living. Focusing on what I hoped my future would be kept me from actually seeing the truth before me and building something of enduring value. It was a reactive and cowardly existence that hurts my heart to think about. Probably the only thing I did reasonably well back then was love my children. But even that, as pure as it was, was not given to the level I do now.

The root of that state of denial was an abiding shame liberally served up by an abusive stepfather when I was 14 and 15. Quite possibly the worst age for a human to be relentlessly told how worthless and offensive their existence is. As a child that had for years fantasized about having an active father figure in his daily life, I took every word this man said as gospel. And so, I learned that the only way I could possibly ever be of value was if I became something other than who I was. Maybe then I could be useful to others and worthy of their consideration. I became a rescuer and people-pleaser extraordinaire, though I was never able to please him.

That shame cost me many things in my life, including my marriage. That loss in particular launched me into the most important personal work of my life. All my constructs crumbled to dust and I began seeing the truth of myself for the very first time in my life. With the help of my fellow travelers in ACA, I uncovered the source of the shame that plagued me and slowly reparented myself, unlearning the sick survival traits that had set me on such destructive paths. My life now couldn't be more different and I am so grateful! Even so, I still struggle occasionally with a sense of not being enough. I suppose I always will to some degree. Thankfully, that feeling of shame doesn't get far before I arrest the bullshit. What's my first clue it's happening? It's the feeling that I am being selfish for doing what is in my heart to do. Recognizing it is the easy part. The hard part is summoning the courage to request or stand for what I know I personally need. Why is it important to risk making people uncomfortable and take care of yourself this way? Because if you don't you will likely end up resenting them and it will be your fault, not theirs. That's the slow, insidious poison of denying your truth.

It's challenging to find the balance between giving and receiving. As a recovering people-pleaser, giving is as easy for me as breathing, while asking for what I need takes a lot of effort. Which is probably why I've been blessing needy families with portraits for free full time for over a year and I still have only 23 monthly patrons. I receive all kinds of moral support and thanks for what I'm doing, but it rarely translates into patronage to support the work. The reality of what I'm doing requires that to change if Jackdaw is to continue. With over 700 people following me on social media, I should be able to gain a few $5 or $10 a month patrons each month. I know it's likely my fault that's not happening for the simple lack of asking. So here I am, asking for what I need to keep the portrait gifting going.

My current level of monthly patronage combined with my retirement funds may carry me for another year. But, it's make or break now. If Jackdaw is to sustain itself and broaden in scope to bless more people, I have to have more financial support. If Patronage doesn't grow substantially by this time next year, I will have exhausted my retirement savings and Jackdaw will be dust. I will accept that as what is meant to be if it happens, but I can't imagine that's how it will go. People approach me in person and online every day thanking me for what I'm doing for people. I am providing a valuable and meaningful gift to the people I bless. If you can afford to contribute the equivalent cost of a coffee or two a month, it is worthy of your support as a patron. My patrons and I created family portraits for 161 families in my first year doing this. I need at least 150 monthly patrons in order to sustainably continue providing portraits at the level I currently am. As patronage grows beyond 150 I will extend my reach geographically. My ultimate goal is 400 patrons. With that kind of support I will be able to really take this gift on the road.

If you genuinely believe in what I'm doing here, please support the work! I use Patreon as the vehicle to financially support Jackdaw. You can become a Patron right now by going to https://www.patreon.com/user/community?u=3573257

Namaste,

Rich

A week off. Yes, I needed a vacation!

Even when you are inspired by and love what you do, you still need a break from it from time to time. After a solid year of gifting portraits it was great to hit the road purely for the joy of discovery! Exploring the northwestern tip of the Olympic Peninsula was breathtaking to say the least! I've definitely found my favorite beach in Washington state.

When the last glimmers of light in the west were gone and deepest twilight had given way to complete darkness, the waves began an incredible bioluminessence light show. I've never seen such a mesmerizing natural phenomena in person! As I watched transfixed for nearly an hour, it occurred to me that it had been happening all day long, but couldn't be seen until darkness had fallen. It reminded me of my life in 2013 and 14 when it felt the darkness would forever consume me. In the earliest days of that trial, I couldn't see any good ever coming of it. But, as I kept moving and evolving the light did manifest. And it did so in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined!

It often takes a dark time to reveal our true light. Don't fear the darkness, embrace it and receive the message. The message is often very challenging. Listen with an open and vulnerable heart so you don't waste the opportunity. Burn on!

See change as opportunity

My left knee collapsed under me in early July 2017. I was descending the steep stairs of Barge Hall at Central Washington University while carrying about a hundred pounds of gear. I don’t know how it happened, but boy, it was bad. I ended up on the landing a couple steps below. My knee made a popping sound as it completely compressed under the load of my weight plus the gear. I limped into my office to take stock of my injury. It was beginning to swell, so I didn’t waste any time getting to the truck and driving home. I figured I should do so while I could still walk. By the time I got home 11 blocks away, I could no longer use it and was driving without the clutch. I could barely get out of the truck and into the house. I spent the next two weeks icing it and hoping it would be alright. The swelling improved, but it still was not making satisfactory progress. I went back to work using crutches. After a couple of grueling weeks back at work, I finally went to a local Orthopedic doctor. She tested it’s stability and took some xrays. Her conclusion was that I had torn my ACL. She felt it wouldn’t need surgery to heal if I was willing to accept a very slow healing process. After consulting friends that had dealt with knee injuries, both that had had surgery and not, I decided to forego surgery and see if I could heal. The progress was very slow, but it was there. After three months I was down to a single crutch. After 5 months, no crutch anymore. But, I was still not walking normally. Getting through my work commitments was brutally painful and difficult. Looking back now, two plus years later, I probably should have had surgery. I still can’t compress my leg much beyond 90 degrees, nor can I completely extend it. I have had to slow my walking pace to half of what it was before the injury. It feels like I’ll have this limp the rest of my life. Sometimes that makes me very frustrated and sad. I can no longer run, jump or ride a bike. A big walking day for me now is 3 miles. I used to go on very brisk walks and hikes of many miles and loved every minute of them.

I had a lot of errands to run today. Getting prints made for some families, the bank, the auto parts store, delivering prints, and then home. Lots of bus riding, but lots of walking too. It was just about the time I was nearly home and walking the last mile of the day when I began feeling sorry for myself. My knee was getting stiff like it does when it gets worked out. That’s when I saw a local man in a wheelchair that lives on the street. Talk about a quick attitude/gratitude adjustment! I began saying over and over in my head, ‘I can walk. If all I can ever do the rest of my life is walk, then I am truly blessed!’. Nothing I’ve lost in regards to my knee’s capability is critical. It could be so much worse. My heart immediately began lifting and I started thinking of all the good that has come of my slower pace. I see more of the details around me as I walk. I no longer come up quickly behind people and unintentionally startle them. I see more wildlife. But best of all, time slows down a bit. I’m not rushing anymore. The stops I make to stretch my knee give me a chance to better see the people around me.

You know, I don’t think there are many things more destructive to our lives than self pity. Shit happens to everyone and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes temporary, sometimes permanent and life-changing in ways we don’t want. But, as with all change, we get to be the authors of our story. We decide how we will react to all the events in our lives. It’s a breeze reacting to the positive and joyful things. But, it’s the negative and challenging circumstances that give us incredible opportunities to rise and grow. To evolve. To redefine who we are and what we want to be. To find our courage and embrace new directions. Rarely does the opportunity to grow like that come from the easy stuff. So, as Bruce Lee famously said, “Be water my friend.” Flow and reform with what life presents you.

First year complete! Thank you!

A year ago today I walked out of Barge Hall on the CWU campus, climbed into Hella's cab, fired her up and headed straight to Seattle. It was a very intense afternoon as I said goodbye to so many of my CWU family and friends. To walk out for the last time as an employee and begin a radically new phase of my life was both exhilarating and challenging. I rolled into Seattle with a giant smile as the sun's last rays of the evening streamed through the windshield. I was here. I was finally doing it. After years of effort and planning, the time was finally now! I'll never forget that feeling. Especially since it truly has not faded. Every day since has had some kind of magic. Sometimes breathtaking, but most often, simply sweet. I have never felt so blessed in all my life as I do now.

In our first year we created portraits for 160 families! I have built relationships with several major social service agencies here. I could easily be shooting every week for the cause if I had more financial support. But, word is spreading about the work I'm doing and I have faith the support will follow. I currently have 25 monthly patrons and their support is huge to me! I've also had 8 generous people make a one-time donation in the last year. Thank you very much guys! You are making a big difference in people's lives with the gift you are giving them. If any of you who have been following me for a while would like to help support this work, go to my Patreon page to do so. This is a grassroots philanthropy operation being built on the concept of many giving very little. $10 a month is a huge help, let me assure you! It all adds up. To become a patron go to-

https://www.patreon.com/user/overview?u=3573257

I will keep doing the work so long as my retirement funds hold out. I'm living very lean getting by on less than a thousand a month in order to extend my resources. It's my hope that soon I'll have enough monthly patrons to be able to gift and survive without nicking my retirement any longer. I know we'll get there eventually and I'm keeping this going no matter what it takes. That's how meaningful and important I believe this gift to be.

In any case, thank you for riding along with me! Your sharing and messages of support always touch and restore me. I am constantly inspired by the people I meet from all walks of life. This year has affirmed for me how little I really need and what truly matters in life. In my case, less has certainly turned out to be so much more!

Seek out your purpose and do whatever it takes to act on it. It may take a long while to get there, (it certainly did for me), but don't be discouraged by the pace. Do something about it every day in whatever way you can. Small steps add up to big progress! Everything you do matters and the energy you invest will bear fruit. So, be sure you are spending your precious energy on things that truly matter.

Burn on,

Rich

Alzheimers and sleep deprivation

"I give you this to take with you: Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting."

- Judith Minty, Letters to My Daughters

At about 5:30 this morning I was jarred awake by mom's call for the fourth time of the night. Feeling as if I had only just gotten back to sleep, I was very frustrated. Thankfully, I always shake it off before I reach her. I love her and am grateful to be here for her this way. When I was done tending to her and back on the couch, the frustration returned. I felt panicky like I was losing time that I needed to spend on some currently pressing needs in my life. I quickly felt bad about that because there's nothing more important in our lives than those we love. I knew the panic wasn't about time, so I looked deeper. It turns out the panic was about witnessing mom's demise. My inner brat was stomping his feet, turning red and screaming, "NO! I don't like this! I don't want to see this! La la la la la LA LA .....!"

Time was not what my gut was panicking about, painful change is the thing. As a caregiver trying to cope, I tend to overlook my emotions at times. The crushing frustration of witnessing this wretched disease slowly and steadily erode my mother. It is fucking uncomfortable and I don't want to see it. And because I know I will see it through, I've slipped a bit into some old denial traits as a means of coping. I'm grateful that my brat snapped me out of it this morning so the tears and anger could flow.

What it all comes down to, yet again, is change. Change is usually uncomfortable. Especially change you didn't initiate yourself.

I am distraught about the cruelty of Alzheimers that my mom is enduring. I love her and nothing is going to ease that pain until mom is finally free of this plane. The hardest emotions for me to allow are anger and frustration. I spent the majority of my life up until six years ago suppressing them. So, this situation is giving me a good spiritual workout as I allow them to rise freely. I know they have to. The change my mom, sister and I are enduring through this is phenomenal. The parameters are constantly shifting and often sliding sideways in mind-bending ways. Even in peaceful moments, the weight of what is happening rests on my shoulders like a giant wet dog. It's messy, heavy, and won't quit swinging it's big head around which constantly throws off my balance.

It's all yet another reminder that life is not fair. It never could be, and seeking fairness should not be the point of a life. Fairness as a priority is as ridiculous and crazy-making as the pursuit of perfection. Life is what it is. Yours is what it is. Whether the moment is joyful, mundane or excruciating, the moment is all we ever have. For me, allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of my emotions, without judging myself for them, is the key to spiritual health. I strive to be genuinely conscious of my feelings and deny nothing I feel. I let them rise, look into them and release them. To selectively suppress those I dislike would be a return to the dismal and powerless existence of grief and shame that I lived for the first 48 years of my life. And if there's one thing in my life that I can say with certainty, it's that I will never return to that wretched state of spirit.

I share all this to encourage you to listen to your heart. Your raw emotions, whether enjoyable or not, have important messages for you. Mind you, I said 'you'. I'm not condoning deflecting your feelings and uncorking on someone else when you are the one that needs to listen to what they are telling you. In all things, be brave and look at your reflection before anyone else. Process what you feel. Then, when you feel you fully understand, do with it what you decide to do. If you need to share how you're feeling, do so with someone you trust. That kind of vulnerability is a powerful means of affecting and coping with change.

Heed your gut, learn the lessons, and do your best as you keep walking.