A week off. Yes, I needed a vacation!

Even when you are inspired by and love what you do, you still need a break from it from time to time. After a solid year of gifting portraits it was great to hit the road purely for the joy of discovery! Exploring the northwestern tip of the Olympic Peninsula was breathtaking to say the least! I've definitely found my favorite beach in Washington state.

When the last glimmers of light in the west were gone and deepest twilight had given way to complete darkness, the waves began an incredible bioluminessence light show. I've never seen such a mesmerizing natural phenomena in person! As I watched transfixed for nearly an hour, it occurred to me that it had been happening all day long, but couldn't be seen until darkness had fallen. It reminded me of my life in 2013 and 14 when it felt the darkness would forever consume me. In the earliest days of that trial, I couldn't see any good ever coming of it. But, as I kept moving and evolving the light did manifest. And it did so in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined!

It often takes a dark time to reveal our true light. Don't fear the darkness, embrace it and receive the message. The message is often very challenging. Listen with an open and vulnerable heart so you don't waste the opportunity. Burn on!

See change as opportunity

My left knee collapsed under me in early July 2017. I was descending the steep stairs of Barge Hall at Central Washington University while carrying about a hundred pounds of gear. I don’t know how it happened, but boy, it was bad. I ended up on the landing a couple steps below. My knee made a popping sound as it completely compressed under the load of my weight plus the gear. I limped into my office to take stock of my injury. It was beginning to swell, so I didn’t waste any time getting to the truck and driving home. I figured I should do so while I could still walk. By the time I got home 11 blocks away, I could no longer use it and was driving without the clutch. I could barely get out of the truck and into the house. I spent the next two weeks icing it and hoping it would be alright. The swelling improved, but it still was not making satisfactory progress. I went back to work using crutches. After a couple of grueling weeks back at work, I finally went to a local Orthopedic doctor. She tested it’s stability and took some xrays. Her conclusion was that I had torn my ACL. She felt it wouldn’t need surgery to heal if I was willing to accept a very slow healing process. After consulting friends that had dealt with knee injuries, both that had had surgery and not, I decided to forego surgery and see if I could heal. The progress was very slow, but it was there. After three months I was down to a single crutch. After 5 months, no crutch anymore. But, I was still not walking normally. Getting through my work commitments was brutally painful and difficult. Looking back now, two plus years later, I probably should have had surgery. I still can’t compress my leg much beyond 90 degrees, nor can I completely extend it. I have had to slow my walking pace to half of what it was before the injury. It feels like I’ll have this limp the rest of my life. Sometimes that makes me very frustrated and sad. I can no longer run, jump or ride a bike. A big walking day for me now is 3 miles. I used to go on very brisk walks and hikes of many miles and loved every minute of them.

I had a lot of errands to run today. Getting prints made for some families, the bank, the auto parts store, delivering prints, and then home. Lots of bus riding, but lots of walking too. It was just about the time I was nearly home and walking the last mile of the day when I began feeling sorry for myself. My knee was getting stiff like it does when it gets worked out. That’s when I saw a local man in a wheelchair that lives on the street. Talk about a quick attitude/gratitude adjustment! I began saying over and over in my head, ‘I can walk. If all I can ever do the rest of my life is walk, then I am truly blessed!’. Nothing I’ve lost in regards to my knee’s capability is critical. It could be so much worse. My heart immediately began lifting and I started thinking of all the good that has come of my slower pace. I see more of the details around me as I walk. I no longer come up quickly behind people and unintentionally startle them. I see more wildlife. But best of all, time slows down a bit. I’m not rushing anymore. The stops I make to stretch my knee give me a chance to better see the people around me.

You know, I don’t think there are many things more destructive to our lives than self pity. Shit happens to everyone and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes temporary, sometimes permanent and life-changing in ways we don’t want. But, as with all change, we get to be the authors of our story. We decide how we will react to all the events in our lives. It’s a breeze reacting to the positive and joyful things. But, it’s the negative and challenging circumstances that give us incredible opportunities to rise and grow. To evolve. To redefine who we are and what we want to be. To find our courage and embrace new directions. Rarely does the opportunity to grow like that come from the easy stuff. So, as Bruce Lee famously said, “Be water my friend.” Flow and reform with what life presents you.

First year complete! Thank you!

A year ago today I walked out of Barge Hall on the CWU campus, climbed into Hella's cab, fired her up and headed straight to Seattle. It was a very intense afternoon as I said goodbye to so many of my CWU family and friends. To walk out for the last time as an employee and begin a radically new phase of my life was both exhilarating and challenging. I rolled into Seattle with a giant smile as the sun's last rays of the evening streamed through the windshield. I was here. I was finally doing it. After years of effort and planning, the time was finally now! I'll never forget that feeling. Especially since it truly has not faded. Every day since has had some kind of magic. Sometimes breathtaking, but most often, simply sweet. I have never felt so blessed in all my life as I do now.

In our first year we created portraits for 160 families! I have built relationships with several major social service agencies here. I could easily be shooting every week for the cause if I had more financial support. But, word is spreading about the work I'm doing and I have faith the support will follow. I currently have 25 monthly patrons and their support is huge to me! I've also had 8 generous people make a one-time donation in the last year. Thank you very much guys! You are making a big difference in people's lives with the gift you are giving them. If any of you who have been following me for a while would like to help support this work, go to my Patreon page to do so. This is a grassroots philanthropy operation being built on the concept of many giving very little. $10 a month is a huge help, let me assure you! It all adds up. To become a patron go to-

https://www.patreon.com/user/overview?u=3573257

I will keep doing the work so long as my retirement funds hold out. I'm living very lean getting by on less than a thousand a month in order to extend my resources. It's my hope that soon I'll have enough monthly patrons to be able to gift and survive without nicking my retirement any longer. I know we'll get there eventually and I'm keeping this going no matter what it takes. That's how meaningful and important I believe this gift to be.

In any case, thank you for riding along with me! Your sharing and messages of support always touch and restore me. I am constantly inspired by the people I meet from all walks of life. This year has affirmed for me how little I really need and what truly matters in life. In my case, less has certainly turned out to be so much more!

Seek out your purpose and do whatever it takes to act on it. It may take a long while to get there, (it certainly did for me), but don't be discouraged by the pace. Do something about it every day in whatever way you can. Small steps add up to big progress! Everything you do matters and the energy you invest will bear fruit. So, be sure you are spending your precious energy on things that truly matter.

Burn on,

Rich

Alzheimers and sleep deprivation

"I give you this to take with you: Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting."

- Judith Minty, Letters to My Daughters

At about 5:30 this morning I was jarred awake by mom's call for the fourth time of the night. Feeling as if I had only just gotten back to sleep, I was very frustrated. Thankfully, I always shake it off before I reach her. I love her and am grateful to be here for her this way. When I was done tending to her and back on the couch, the frustration returned. I felt panicky like I was losing time that I needed to spend on some currently pressing needs in my life. I quickly felt bad about that because there's nothing more important in our lives than those we love. I knew the panic wasn't about time, so I looked deeper. It turns out the panic was about witnessing mom's demise. My inner brat was stomping his feet, turning red and screaming, "NO! I don't like this! I don't want to see this! La la la la la LA LA .....!"

Time was not what my gut was panicking about, painful change is the thing. As a caregiver trying to cope, I tend to overlook my emotions at times. The crushing frustration of witnessing this wretched disease slowly and steadily erode my mother. It is fucking uncomfortable and I don't want to see it. And because I know I will see it through, I've slipped a bit into some old denial traits as a means of coping. I'm grateful that my brat snapped me out of it this morning so the tears and anger could flow.

What it all comes down to, yet again, is change. Change is usually uncomfortable. Especially change you didn't initiate yourself.

I am distraught about the cruelty of Alzheimers that my mom is enduring. I love her and nothing is going to ease that pain until mom is finally free of this plane. The hardest emotions for me to allow are anger and frustration. I spent the majority of my life up until six years ago suppressing them. So, this situation is giving me a good spiritual workout as I allow them to rise freely. I know they have to. The change my mom, sister and I are enduring through this is phenomenal. The parameters are constantly shifting and often sliding sideways in mind-bending ways. Even in peaceful moments, the weight of what is happening rests on my shoulders like a giant wet dog. It's messy, heavy, and won't quit swinging it's big head around which constantly throws off my balance.

It's all yet another reminder that life is not fair. It never could be, and seeking fairness should not be the point of a life. Fairness as a priority is as ridiculous and crazy-making as the pursuit of perfection. Life is what it is. Yours is what it is. Whether the moment is joyful, mundane or excruciating, the moment is all we ever have. For me, allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of my emotions, without judging myself for them, is the key to spiritual health. I strive to be genuinely conscious of my feelings and deny nothing I feel. I let them rise, look into them and release them. To selectively suppress those I dislike would be a return to the dismal and powerless existence of grief and shame that I lived for the first 48 years of my life. And if there's one thing in my life that I can say with certainty, it's that I will never return to that wretched state of spirit.

I share all this to encourage you to listen to your heart. Your raw emotions, whether enjoyable or not, have important messages for you. Mind you, I said 'you'. I'm not condoning deflecting your feelings and uncorking on someone else when you are the one that needs to listen to what they are telling you. In all things, be brave and look at your reflection before anyone else. Process what you feel. Then, when you feel you fully understand, do with it what you decide to do. If you need to share how you're feeling, do so with someone you trust. That kind of vulnerability is a powerful means of affecting and coping with change.

Heed your gut, learn the lessons, and do your best as you keep walking.

Make no assumptions...

Mom has Alzheimers. My sister and I are her caretakers. Nik is carrying the bulk of the load as mom lives with her full time. I come for at least a week a month to get time with mom and give Nik a break. Caring for her as we experience her mental decline has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. There are little joys everyday, but they are in shorter and shorter supply as the disease progresses. Mom is 28 years older than I. Alzheimers began significantly manifesting in her life about three years ago. Over the course of the last year she has completely lost her independence. I don't know about you, but I can't think of any more frightening personal experience than slowly and steadily losing one's memory and mental capacities. Explaining what's happening to her in her moments of clarity is gut wrenching to say the least. It's been my week with mom and a few days ago I found myself thinking that I should have at least 20 more years before such a fate could befall me. I no sooner completed that thought when I realized how unbelievably stupid it was! There are countless life events everyday that could take me out of the game long before that. This very moment could be my last on earth. It's all too easy for those of us that are healthy or successful to assume we have lots of time ahead to pursue our passions. Like most assumptions, that one is most certainly dangerous and rife with potential to generate regret down the road. As I get to know more and more people living on the margins of society, I see with new eyes what a blessed life I have lived. And with that deepening realization, I sense more and more just how precious time is. There really is none to waste.

When I lay down to sleep at night, I am satisfied that if the day had been my last, it was well spent. That's not a feeling I've had most of my life and I'm really happy it's how I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I want with all my heart to be sound of mind and body and keep doing what I'm doing for a very long time! But, I know there's no telling how long that will be. It could be taken from any of us at any moment. Bearing witness to mom's rapid decline has certainly driven the point home for me.

We've all heard the question, "What would you do if you knew you had only six months to live?". Most often I've heard it answered with a litany of bucket list travel experiences and material possessions. I get that, I really do! Hell, this truck is something I've fantasized about having all my and I love the thing. But, it's still just a machine, a material thing. The personal satisfaction it gives me pales in comparison to the fulfillment I experience with every family I create portraits for. When examining my life this week, I realized in a new way that I am living in that '6 months to live' mindset. Not in a fearful way, but in an inspired and purposeful way that makes no assumptions about how much time I have left. I can't tell you what a great feeling it is! Best of all, the road I have chosen affords me lots of time with those I love. Making the leap that I did almost a year ago has been one of the best things I have ever done. It's been a magical and inspiring journey that grows and expands for me with every passing week. Well worth living in a truck to make it possible!

The point of all this? I'm hoping to encourage you, no matter where you are in life, to be brave enough to look honestly at what you are pouring your life energy into. Your time and energy are the most valuable capital you possess. Spend them wisely and with all your heart on the ones you love and activities that draw you all closer together. In so doing, when your time is done you will look back with big joy, a huge smile, and say, "I held nothing back and that was one hell of a great ride!".

Family #123!

I was in Ellensburg last weekend to participate in Cruisin for Hospice on Sunday. On Saturday I shot portraits in Kiwanis Park and these lovely people gave me permission to share one of their family's portraits! I'm very grateful they did, thanks guys!

One of the most common questions I get when people learn about what I'm doing is, 'Where can I see all the portraits?'. I know it's a frustrating thing for people that I can't share them at will. But the families I photograph own the pics I create and they decide if they will be shared on my platforms. Giving them ownership of their images is one of the reasons I even get the opportunity to photograph them in the first place. They take me at my word and trust me which is a great honor. I understand what a lot of them are dealing with and they have my assurance their portraits will be seen only by those they choose to share them with.

But, as I had expected would eventually happen, I have that rare occasion where a family is just fine with being shown on my social media. WooHoo! They are the 123rd family I have created portraits for in the ten months since I launched into Jackdaw full time. The families I have photographed have been incredibly diverse in every conceivable way and all a joy to meet. Thank you all for trusting me and allowing me to create for you! And thank you to all my patrons that make this meaningful impact possible. You are supporting a truly timeless gift and blessing for people who never would have expected to have such a treasure. Namaste.

Don't let the huge task intimidate you. Just begin.

Last Sunday was the three year anniversary of Hella's arrival in my driveway in Ellensburg. She'd been hauled on a flatbed trailer for six days across North America from Ontario, Canada. It would be quite the understatement to say I was excited when she arrived! What made it even more special was that my kids were there when she did. What a feeling that was!

The day after is when the true scope of the project settled on my shoulders. I had an 8000 pound military relic in my driveway that hadn't run for over 30 years. She had been in a barn all that time and become a home to birds and rodents. Besides the yucky messes to deal with, about the only thing that was functional was the steering. This was a mechanical project the likes of which I had always aspired to tackle. Yes, I was intimidated, but I knew I could do it. I spent that day inspecting every inch of the truck and created my initial work list. The first of countless lists to be generated over the next three years!

After three months of bloody, greasy weeknights and weekends, she fired up for me for the first time! The sense of accomplishment was amazing! The thrill faded quickly when I had to turn around and limp home a half mile into my first test drive. This was not going to be quick or easy! It was clear the work had only just begun. So, I kept working and she kept limping home as the test drive radius expanded in ever widening circles with each system restored. As the distance grew, I found more problems and set to repairing them. It was over a year before I took her on her first true trip, which she broke down on! Her first successful trip over the mountains without issue was 15 months after I had begun working on her. It would be another year before I was taking her on serious trips with reasonable certainty that she'd get me back without too much drama. All the while, with every breakdown, I was learning what I needed to learn to keep her rolling for the life ahead.

It's now been four months since I swapped out her original flathead six and transmission for a modern V8 and transmission. With that heart transplant she went from 80 horsepower to 250. The new mill just ticked off 2000 miles and is running like a boss. After years of crawling painfully slowly up hills, I doubt I'll ever stop grinning stupidly as I roll on the power and go up them at the speed limit! I have finally arrived at a practical point of operation where I jump in the driver's seat, fire up and go without drama. It is wonderful! There's still plenty of maintenance to keep up on and I know she'll throw surprises at me as we travel. But I know that I'm up to the task now. Thank you to all my friends in person and online that have helped me get her to the point she is now. You all rock!

Anybody who takes on a project like this knows you are never finished with it. You bond with the machine and start talking with it like Han and the Millennium Falcon. I think we literally give the machine a soul as we go. Hella is more than my truck, she's become my home and friend.

Bringing this rig back to life and making it what I need it to be has taught me a lot about devotion, endurance, humility, and most of all vulnerability. Most folks restore vehicles like this for amusement on sunny summer days or parades. It's an entirely different proposition to make one your only wheels, your home, and take it on the road. Only a mechanic could do something like this. Good thing I turned out to be a decent one! I've always enjoyed working on my vehicles, but I never would have guessed how important those skills would be to my future. It is amazing the way life is always preparing you for the next chapter. Good or bad, all that is happening in your life is teaching you something of value for the road ahead. Be encouraged that the heartbreaks and setbacks are intended. They present opportunities to grow and evolve in ways that will inspire your purpose and unleash your full potential. That is, if you are brave enough to face them full on and seek the lessons.

Photo- May 26, 2016 as she was...