You are the gift!

Don't think for a second that you aren't powerful medicine. That you are somehow not as special as someone you admire or who inspires you. We all have a deep fire, a purpose we are uniquely gifted to pursue. You may have known what your purpose is since you were a small child. Or, like me, you lived half your life before you found it. And that's just fine since it often takes a great deal of living to reveal it. Not to mention the time needed for us to develop the skill set and courage to make it a reality. It doesn't matter in the least how long it takes. What matters is simply beginning. As you do, the way will reveal itself.

Don't be surprised if it wrecks your well laid plans and expectations about what your life was going to be. It can definitely get rough. But, it will ultimately light you up in ways you can't even imagine! Imagine no longer just surviving your days. Not feeling trapped and compulsively self-medicating with material possessions, vacations, and all manner of bullshit denial behaviors to distract you from your misery. I promise you, the more you engage your gifts in purposeful ways, the brighter your light becomes. More and more, you will know and feel your true power and place in this life. Creativity, kindness, and inspiration become your currency as you share your gift. Life begins taking care of itself in a very sweet flow. Yes, there's still difficult life shit to deal with, but you'll navigate it with more empathy and grace than ever before.

This is the walk of a freed spirit that has given itself over to love. There is no greater gift we can give or receive. And let me tell you, it puts one hell of a smile on your face a lot of the time!

In this season of so much focus on 'gifts', take time to seek the truth of yourself and the gift inside you. Finding purposeful, loving expression of your gifts is the whole point of being here. Have the courage to hear and act on that small, still voice within.

Namaste,

Rich
aka 'Jackdaw'

Knowing my place

If there is one thing that living in a vehicle teaches you about yourself, it is your place in the world. Be it social or geographic, we tend to identify ourselves with a singular place that we call our own. Where we work and live tend to be our top 'places'. As a vehicle live aboard, the views change all the time. Yes, your actual home is the same and goes with you everywhere. But, there is still a lack of feeling like you have a place to call home. The beauty of not having those conventional and predictable places in one's life is that it challenges you to discover what 'home' truly is to you.

One of my favorite quotes is by Naguib Mahfouz who writes, 'Home is not where you are born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease'. I definitely agree with that.

I have hundreds of conversations with strangers every year. Every now and then the conversation about what I'm doing with my life gets deep. I love it when that happens! When it does, the person talking to me is usually mining for one of two things- inspiration or explanation. The inspiration conversation is always fun and easy. The explanation talk usually gets emotional pretty quickly for me, and I'm not shy about it. People looking for explanation usually assume I gave up on life and am running from something I don't want to face. Despite the emotion that accompanies that conversation, it is always tremendously affirming for me that I am definitely not running from anything. I'm willing to bet very few think I'm running after having that talk with me.

Despite not having a fixed address, I have definitely found my place. It is not a geographical spot or singular group of people. My place is found wherever it is that I can love and gift. It is in those moments that my heart is full and happy with how I expend my energy. I am living in a way that fills my heart, so I always feel that belonging. Yes, sometimes I feel a bit adrift as I step from one scene to another. But, I quickly find my heart in what I'm doing and the people, or person, I am with.

I live a very lean and simple life. But, it is so rich with experience, that I feel a wealthy man. I've been doing this for nearly a year and a half now. As my second winter in Hella begins, I've never felt warmer or more blessed. I definitely don't feel any desire to escape my life. Sleep comes each night with deep gratitude that I took this leap. I wish the same for you. If that isn't how you feel as you lay your head down at day's end, I encourage you to make time to examine your life and your heart. To take steps to find your 'place'. Do so courageously and out loud. Write it all down so you can soak it in over time. Your time here is finite and precious. Don't throw it away on illusion, assumptions or expectations. Find your fire, stoke it, and share it with the world!

Crossing...

It's my day to clear my mind and breathe deep before several days of witnessing Alzheimers ravage my mom. In all my life I don't think there has ever been anything that has made me more angry, or feel more helpless.

I found a beautiful spot full of enchanting nature trails and apparently what I needed this afternoon was to weep and weep as I walked them. The tears came just two steps onto this bridge as if I had stepped through an invisible waterfall. I stopped and looked ahead absorbing what was happening. It was clear the grief was over the fact that it won't be long before mom crosses a bridge that I can't follow. The pain of slowly losing her over the last year has been excruciating and something only someone who has lost a loved one to this nightmare of a disease can relate to. A year ago I never would have imagined wishing for her to cross that bridge as soon as possible. But, that's exactly where I am now. Wishing she could go and be free from the fear, confusion and humiliation her condition subjects her to nearly every moment she is awake. Free before it's more than my sister and I can care for. I'm wracked with guilt for wishing her mortal time would end, even though I know it would be the most merciful thing for her. I fight feeling there's something wrong with me for wishing it for her. At times like this it's so very difficult to see the lesson or the opportunity being presented to me. But, I know it's there and I'll keep leaning in with a loving heart to the very end. Mom's love for my sister and I has been ever-faithful and total. And that is how we love her, with complete devotion and heart. Treasuring the occasional flashes of clarity when she's here with us again for a moment.

Alzheimers forces loved ones into grief years before the one they love passes. I realized today that all the grief over the last year has in no way prepared me for the finality of mom leaving this plane. It will be crushing for a long while and there is no way around it. Nothing in this life is permanent or secure. The grief of losing one we have loved is testament to how deeply they touched our lives and all they meant to us. It is the manifestation of our connected spirits in transition. A terribly beautiful dance of release. So, we dance...

Tacking into winter...

Fall is definitely here along with it's unpredictable weather and rainy Seattle days. This time last year the infatuation stage of my relationship with #vanlife was just beginning to wane. I am way beyond that now and the interesting thing is I am enjoying this lifestyle more and more. Last October I didn't know what to expect of a west side winter in Hella. At the time I was still struggling to get the go-ahead with agencies to set up family portrait days in their shelters. By October I finally had portrait days going which was a big relief. But then, Hella's engine began clapping out and the clutch slipping. By the end of October, I couldn't drive the truck anymore except around Ballard. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was renting Uhaul vans and riding the bus with all my gear in order to do Jackdaw shoots! Suffice to say October through December 2018 was a very challenging time! With the truck broken down and the sunny days of open windows and doors and cooking outside over with for a few months, it all added up to a difficult period of feeling isolated and disconnected. But, oh what a difference a year makes! While there are still a great many challenges and unknowns in my life, I am entering this winter season in a much more positive state. I've put nearly 6000 miles on Hella's new drivetrain and she is running beautifully. I have made a great deal of new friends along the way and I certainly don't feel isolated anymore. There is quite the warm community of vehicle dwellers in Ballard, not to mention all the great locals that have introduced themselves thanks to Hella's vintage nature and rugged good looks. I've also made good friends with the local crows and they are always good company. As a matter of fact, I have so much community now that I have to go out of my way to get truly quiet, solo time.

It's been a unique experience for me since I have historically been an introverted person. Obviously, the exact opposite personality is required in order to build a philanthropic outreach like Jackdaw. Fortunately, I have become much more acquainted with my extrovert side. But, that has a lot more to do with years of personal work to reclaim a healthy sense of self worth than it does with Jackdaw's demands. It's quite something to look at all the events and changes in my life over the last six years and see how each has played an imperative and significant role in bringing me to the place I find myself now. I would have skipped so many of them if I could have chosen to at the time! There are so many times in our lives when we need to be broken in order to evolve. Nobody enjoys that shit, but it certainly gives us huge opportunities to grow.

One of my newly favorite quotes is attributed to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He said, "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor". I don't know if he wrote it or not, but he certainly had enough storms in his life that he earned the right to say it. Jackdaw has a long way to go to get to anything resembling smooth seas. And that's just fine. I know to my core that I am doing what I am meant to do, and I have complete faith in the journey. I am constantly humbled and encouraged by people's kind words and support. Never in my adult life have I had so little materially, and yet I feel so rich. I see the magic in every day and am constantly giving thanks for it. Such is a life of purpose and I highly recommend it! Passionately harness your natural abilities and talents and focus them with your heart's intent. Doing so will reveal your purpose and inspire your life. Don't ever tell yourself it's too late to chart a new course. There is always a way to make good use of your unique gifts. You simply have to be brave enough to leave port.

So very hard to let them flail...

I'm no paragon of wisdom. But, I've lived long enough to learn hard lessons from monumental mistakes and have consequently become adept at recognizing a looming train wreck. Nowadays I use this radar to good effect in all kinds of scenarios from the trivial to the significant.

Lately I've been struggling to resist using that radar to constantly save someone I care about from themselves. I've helped them avoid so many missteps in the last year that I now see how doing so has kept them from effectively internalizing important life lessons. Lessons that I learned the hard way in my twenties when nobody experienced was watching out for me. As painful and costly as that time of my life was, those disasters were instrumental in ushering me into responsible adulthood. Nothing so mercilessly brings about personal clarity regarding our choices as when the train has jumped the tracks and we're crawling out of the wreckage.

My love for this person is a huge motivation behind my desire to help them avoid suffering from poor choices. But, the reality is that a significant percentage of my compulsion to 'rescue' them from themselves is a selfish desire to not have to deal with the fallout of what could befall them if left to their own devices. In so doing, I have fostered their immaturity and dependence. That's so the opposite of what I want to do! What a true friend, mentor or parent does is encourage and foster responsibility and independence. We should stay focused on living our best life while giving counsel when it is sought and being a helpful resource when those we care about are digging themselves out of a hole of their creation. The key is letting them do the digging.

So, I am working hard to step back and consciously allow them to grow on their own. At times it feels as if there will always be something I am having to release my grip on. Letting go is by far the most difficult aspect of love. It takes faith in a process we cannot foresee and willingness to be vulnerable. Journey on!

A worthy cause

In my life prior to 2013 I operated in a steady state of looking so far down the road that I was completely oblivious to the truth of who I was and how I was living. Focusing on what I hoped my future would be kept me from actually seeing the truth before me and building something of enduring value. It was a reactive and cowardly existence that hurts my heart to think about. Probably the only thing I did reasonably well back then was love my children. But even that, as pure as it was, was not given to the level I do now.

The root of that state of denial was an abiding shame liberally served up by an abusive stepfather when I was 14 and 15. Quite possibly the worst age for a human to be relentlessly told how worthless and offensive their existence is. As a child that had for years fantasized about having an active father figure in his daily life, I took every word this man said as gospel. And so, I learned that the only way I could possibly ever be of value was if I became something other than who I was. Maybe then I could be useful to others and worthy of their consideration. I became a rescuer and people-pleaser extraordinaire, though I was never able to please him.

That shame cost me many things in my life, including my marriage. That loss in particular launched me into the most important personal work of my life. All my constructs crumbled to dust and I began seeing the truth of myself for the very first time in my life. With the help of my fellow travelers in ACA, I uncovered the source of the shame that plagued me and slowly reparented myself, unlearning the sick survival traits that had set me on such destructive paths. My life now couldn't be more different and I am so grateful! Even so, I still struggle occasionally with a sense of not being enough. I suppose I always will to some degree. Thankfully, that feeling of shame doesn't get far before I arrest the bullshit. What's my first clue it's happening? It's the feeling that I am being selfish for doing what is in my heart to do. Recognizing it is the easy part. The hard part is summoning the courage to request or stand for what I know I personally need. Why is it important to risk making people uncomfortable and take care of yourself this way? Because if you don't you will likely end up resenting them and it will be your fault, not theirs. That's the slow, insidious poison of denying your truth.

It's challenging to find the balance between giving and receiving. As a recovering people-pleaser, giving is as easy for me as breathing, while asking for what I need takes a lot of effort. Which is probably why I've been blessing needy families with portraits for free full time for over a year and I still have only 23 monthly patrons. I receive all kinds of moral support and thanks for what I'm doing, but it rarely translates into patronage to support the work. The reality of what I'm doing requires that to change if Jackdaw is to continue. With over 700 people following me on social media, I should be able to gain a few $5 or $10 a month patrons each month. I know it's likely my fault that's not happening for the simple lack of asking. So here I am, asking for what I need to keep the portrait gifting going.

My current level of monthly patronage combined with my retirement funds may carry me for another year. But, it's make or break now. If Jackdaw is to sustain itself and broaden in scope to bless more people, I have to have more financial support. If Patronage doesn't grow substantially by this time next year, I will have exhausted my retirement savings and Jackdaw will be dust. I will accept that as what is meant to be if it happens, but I can't imagine that's how it will go. People approach me in person and online every day thanking me for what I'm doing for people. I am providing a valuable and meaningful gift to the people I bless. If you can afford to contribute the equivalent cost of a coffee or two a month, it is worthy of your support as a patron. My patrons and I created family portraits for 161 families in my first year doing this. I need at least 150 monthly patrons in order to sustainably continue providing portraits at the level I currently am. As patronage grows beyond 150 I will extend my reach geographically. My ultimate goal is 400 patrons. With that kind of support I will be able to really take this gift on the road.

If you genuinely believe in what I'm doing here, please support the work! I use Patreon as the vehicle to financially support Jackdaw. You can become a Patron right now by going to https://www.patreon.com/user/community?u=3573257

Namaste,

Rich

A week off. Yes, I needed a vacation!

Even when you are inspired by and love what you do, you still need a break from it from time to time. After a solid year of gifting portraits it was great to hit the road purely for the joy of discovery! Exploring the northwestern tip of the Olympic Peninsula was breathtaking to say the least! I've definitely found my favorite beach in Washington state.

When the last glimmers of light in the west were gone and deepest twilight had given way to complete darkness, the waves began an incredible bioluminessence light show. I've never seen such a mesmerizing natural phenomena in person! As I watched transfixed for nearly an hour, it occurred to me that it had been happening all day long, but couldn't be seen until darkness had fallen. It reminded me of my life in 2013 and 14 when it felt the darkness would forever consume me. In the earliest days of that trial, I couldn't see any good ever coming of it. But, as I kept moving and evolving the light did manifest. And it did so in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined!

It often takes a dark time to reveal our true light. Don't fear the darkness, embrace it and receive the message. The message is often very challenging. Listen with an open and vulnerable heart so you don't waste the opportunity. Burn on!