Feels like home to me.

By now the majority of folks reading this blog have probably seen the news feature about me that KING5 just aired. In case you haven't seen it, here's a link-

https://www.king5.com/article/life/seattle-photographer-chooses-homelessness-to-help-engage-with-local-community/281-8076951f-2d45-4f34-8392-f756f221615d

Jake Whittenberg and Matt Mrozinski shot with me three days for the feature. They were sincerely engaged in the story and we became friends as the project rolled along. Seeing the finished feature for the first time a few days ago was like unexpectedly hearing my voice on a recording! It's unsettling at first, but then you begin to realize that's how you really look and sound. In the case of this story, it also shows me how they saw me, which is quite humbling and an honor. They're both passionate about their work and it shows. Thank you guys!

But, there's one thing about the feature that I have wrestled with from the first time I saw it. It's a single word. 'Homeless'. That really got me thinking about labels and the way they separate us. It's technically true that since I live in a vehicle, the government considers me homeless. But, I certainly don't feel homeless. There's a popular IG hashtag that perfectly sums up how I feel about my living situation - #houselessnothomeless. I prepared my vehicle for this life for over two years before launching into this. My home is tiny and has a truck chassis for a foundation, but it is no less a home than a brick and mortar one. I have overlander friends that have been living in their vehicles full time traveling the world for years and I've never heard them referred to as homeless.

In the work I do, I interact with people who are truly homeless. Many are in vehicles that provide nothing more than shelter from the weather. They don't have a kitchen, fridge, heat, a bed, solar power, or a toilet like I do. Then there are the ones with no vehicle who are truly without shelter. Living at that level of homelessness is extremely harsh, and it shows on them. They are the ones that people are most afraid to look at. I understand the need for a classification like the word homeless. But, I fear it does have a dehumanizing effect. For those of us that engage this community, we know the truth of their humanity. The vast majority of those who find themselves in this situation have had horrific life circumstances that they just couldn't overcome. They are every bit as individual, intelligent and capable as the successful people you know. There are hits in life that can be completely overwhelming and life changing. And for those that don't have deep enough resources and family or friend support, it can be devastating across the board. Sometimes they lose it all and fall into hopelessness.

Take some time to look deeper. They could be you under different circumstances. We've all taken chances and made stupid decisions in our youth that could have destroyed our lives. If you are happy with your life, you are not only blessed, you are lucky. I challenge you to think about that and look beyond whatever your judgements may be regarding the 'Homeless'. Perhaps through the lens of 'what if', you'll gain more empathy and gratitude, and become more capable of seeing the humanity in those wandering souls.

Honored to be...

There are myriad ways in which I am constantly moved by this work I am doing. Try as I might, I can't adequately put it into words. But, there is a singular expression that applies in every scenario- I am honored to my core.

Honored to be allowed into the places where the families I serve live. Homeless shelters, parking lots, playgrounds, parks, conference rooms and hospitals. I am graciously welcomed into times and spaces of great vulnerability in people's lives.

Honored to be in the company of the incredible employees and volunteers that staff the amazing organizations I work with. Their sole purpose to extend shelter and assistance to fellow humans that are grappling with brutal life challenges.

Honored to see the kids' wonder and excitement build as they watch me set up the background, lights and camera.

Honored to witness mothers proudly dressing up and grooming their children. At times, they themselves possessing nothing more than sweats and not feeling worthy of being in a portrait with their kids. I usually manage to change their minds about that and get them into one with their babies!

Honored to glimpse and be reminded what it is to flee domestic violence and abuse. The fear, tenderness and hope flashing across children's faces. Seeing the shift in their eyes as they conclude that I am not someone to fear, but am there in love and kindness. That is a singular honor indeed!

Honored by parent's joyous, sometimes tearful, reactions to receiving their family's portraits. The sense of pride and blessing they feel as they see how beautiful and strong their family is. Priceless.

Lastly, I am honored by the faith placed in me by the many patrons and donors who support this loving work. It means so much more than I can express! It's a monthly reminder that I am on the right path and that the way will continue to reveal itself as I keep gifting it up!

It is my sincere wish that you feel as honored and blessed in the life you are leading, as I do in mine.

Namaste,

Rich
'Jackdaw'

You are the gift!

Don't think for a second that you aren't powerful medicine. That you are somehow not as special as someone you admire or who inspires you. We all have a deep fire, a purpose we are uniquely gifted to pursue. You may have known what your purpose is since you were a small child. Or, like me, you lived half your life before you found it. And that's just fine since it often takes a great deal of living to reveal it. Not to mention the time needed for us to develop the skill set and courage to make it a reality. It doesn't matter in the least how long it takes. What matters is simply beginning. As you do, the way will reveal itself.

Don't be surprised if it wrecks your well laid plans and expectations about what your life was going to be. It can definitely get rough. But, it will ultimately light you up in ways you can't even imagine! Imagine no longer just surviving your days. Not feeling trapped and compulsively self-medicating with material possessions, vacations, and all manner of bullshit denial behaviors to distract you from your misery. I promise you, the more you engage your gifts in purposeful ways, the brighter your light becomes. More and more, you will know and feel your true power and place in this life. Creativity, kindness, and inspiration become your currency as you share your gift. Life begins taking care of itself in a very sweet flow. Yes, there's still difficult life shit to deal with, but you'll navigate it with more empathy and grace than ever before.

This is the walk of a freed spirit that has given itself over to love. There is no greater gift we can give or receive. And let me tell you, it puts one hell of a smile on your face a lot of the time!

In this season of so much focus on 'gifts', take time to seek the truth of yourself and the gift inside you. Finding purposeful, loving expression of your gifts is the whole point of being here. Have the courage to hear and act on that small, still voice within.

Namaste,

Rich
aka 'Jackdaw'

Knowing my place

If there is one thing that living in a vehicle teaches you about yourself, it is your place in the world. Be it social or geographic, we tend to identify ourselves with a singular place that we call our own. Where we work and live tend to be our top 'places'. As a vehicle live aboard, the views change all the time. Yes, your actual home is the same and goes with you everywhere. But, there is still a lack of feeling like you have a place to call home. The beauty of not having those conventional and predictable places in one's life is that it challenges you to discover what 'home' truly is to you.

One of my favorite quotes is by Naguib Mahfouz who writes, 'Home is not where you are born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease'. I definitely agree with that.

I have hundreds of conversations with strangers every year. Every now and then the conversation about what I'm doing with my life gets deep. I love it when that happens! When it does, the person talking to me is usually mining for one of two things- inspiration or explanation. The inspiration conversation is always fun and easy. The explanation talk usually gets emotional pretty quickly for me, and I'm not shy about it. People looking for explanation usually assume I gave up on life and am running from something I don't want to face. Despite the emotion that accompanies that conversation, it is always tremendously affirming for me that I am definitely not running from anything. I'm willing to bet very few think I'm running after having that talk with me.

Despite not having a fixed address, I have definitely found my place. It is not a geographical spot or singular group of people. My place is found wherever it is that I can love and gift. It is in those moments that my heart is full and happy with how I expend my energy. I am living in a way that fills my heart, so I always feel that belonging. Yes, sometimes I feel a bit adrift as I step from one scene to another. But, I quickly find my heart in what I'm doing and the people, or person, I am with.

I live a very lean and simple life. But, it is so rich with experience, that I feel a wealthy man. I've been doing this for nearly a year and a half now. As my second winter in Hella begins, I've never felt warmer or more blessed. I definitely don't feel any desire to escape my life. Sleep comes each night with deep gratitude that I took this leap. I wish the same for you. If that isn't how you feel as you lay your head down at day's end, I encourage you to make time to examine your life and your heart. To take steps to find your 'place'. Do so courageously and out loud. Write it all down so you can soak it in over time. Your time here is finite and precious. Don't throw it away on illusion, assumptions or expectations. Find your fire, stoke it, and share it with the world!

Crossing...

It's my day to clear my mind and breathe deep before several days of witnessing Alzheimers ravage my mom. In all my life I don't think there has ever been anything that has made me more angry, or feel more helpless.

I found a beautiful spot full of enchanting nature trails and apparently what I needed this afternoon was to weep and weep as I walked them. The tears came just two steps onto this bridge as if I had stepped through an invisible waterfall. I stopped and looked ahead absorbing what was happening. It was clear the grief was over the fact that it won't be long before mom crosses a bridge that I can't follow. The pain of slowly losing her over the last year has been excruciating and something only someone who has lost a loved one to this nightmare of a disease can relate to. A year ago I never would have imagined wishing for her to cross that bridge as soon as possible. But, that's exactly where I am now. Wishing she could go and be free from the fear, confusion and humiliation her condition subjects her to nearly every moment she is awake. Free before it's more than my sister and I can care for. I'm wracked with guilt for wishing her mortal time would end, even though I know it would be the most merciful thing for her. I fight feeling there's something wrong with me for wishing it for her. At times like this it's so very difficult to see the lesson or the opportunity being presented to me. But, I know it's there and I'll keep leaning in with a loving heart to the very end. Mom's love for my sister and I has been ever-faithful and total. And that is how we love her, with complete devotion and heart. Treasuring the occasional flashes of clarity when she's here with us again for a moment.

Alzheimers forces loved ones into grief years before the one they love passes. I realized today that all the grief over the last year has in no way prepared me for the finality of mom leaving this plane. It will be crushing for a long while and there is no way around it. Nothing in this life is permanent or secure. The grief of losing one we have loved is testament to how deeply they touched our lives and all they meant to us. It is the manifestation of our connected spirits in transition. A terribly beautiful dance of release. So, we dance...

Tacking into winter...

Fall is definitely here along with it's unpredictable weather and rainy Seattle days. This time last year the infatuation stage of my relationship with #vanlife was just beginning to wane. I am way beyond that now and the interesting thing is I am enjoying this lifestyle more and more. Last October I didn't know what to expect of a west side winter in Hella. At the time I was still struggling to get the go-ahead with agencies to set up family portrait days in their shelters. By October I finally had portrait days going which was a big relief. But then, Hella's engine began clapping out and the clutch slipping. By the end of October, I couldn't drive the truck anymore except around Ballard. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was renting Uhaul vans and riding the bus with all my gear in order to do Jackdaw shoots! Suffice to say October through December 2018 was a very challenging time! With the truck broken down and the sunny days of open windows and doors and cooking outside over with for a few months, it all added up to a difficult period of feeling isolated and disconnected. But, oh what a difference a year makes! While there are still a great many challenges and unknowns in my life, I am entering this winter season in a much more positive state. I've put nearly 6000 miles on Hella's new drivetrain and she is running beautifully. I have made a great deal of new friends along the way and I certainly don't feel isolated anymore. There is quite the warm community of vehicle dwellers in Ballard, not to mention all the great locals that have introduced themselves thanks to Hella's vintage nature and rugged good looks. I've also made good friends with the local crows and they are always good company. As a matter of fact, I have so much community now that I have to go out of my way to get truly quiet, solo time.

It's been a unique experience for me since I have historically been an introverted person. Obviously, the exact opposite personality is required in order to build a philanthropic outreach like Jackdaw. Fortunately, I have become much more acquainted with my extrovert side. But, that has a lot more to do with years of personal work to reclaim a healthy sense of self worth than it does with Jackdaw's demands. It's quite something to look at all the events and changes in my life over the last six years and see how each has played an imperative and significant role in bringing me to the place I find myself now. I would have skipped so many of them if I could have chosen to at the time! There are so many times in our lives when we need to be broken in order to evolve. Nobody enjoys that shit, but it certainly gives us huge opportunities to grow.

One of my newly favorite quotes is attributed to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He said, "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor". I don't know if he wrote it or not, but he certainly had enough storms in his life that he earned the right to say it. Jackdaw has a long way to go to get to anything resembling smooth seas. And that's just fine. I know to my core that I am doing what I am meant to do, and I have complete faith in the journey. I am constantly humbled and encouraged by people's kind words and support. Never in my adult life have I had so little materially, and yet I feel so rich. I see the magic in every day and am constantly giving thanks for it. Such is a life of purpose and I highly recommend it! Passionately harness your natural abilities and talents and focus them with your heart's intent. Doing so will reveal your purpose and inspire your life. Don't ever tell yourself it's too late to chart a new course. There is always a way to make good use of your unique gifts. You simply have to be brave enough to leave port.

So very hard to let them flail...

I'm no paragon of wisdom. But, I've lived long enough to learn hard lessons from monumental mistakes and have consequently become adept at recognizing a looming train wreck. Nowadays I use this radar to good effect in all kinds of scenarios from the trivial to the significant.

Lately I've been struggling to resist using that radar to constantly save someone I care about from themselves. I've helped them avoid so many missteps in the last year that I now see how doing so has kept them from effectively internalizing important life lessons. Lessons that I learned the hard way in my twenties when nobody experienced was watching out for me. As painful and costly as that time of my life was, those disasters were instrumental in ushering me into responsible adulthood. Nothing so mercilessly brings about personal clarity regarding our choices as when the train has jumped the tracks and we're crawling out of the wreckage.

My love for this person is a huge motivation behind my desire to help them avoid suffering from poor choices. But, the reality is that a significant percentage of my compulsion to 'rescue' them from themselves is a selfish desire to not have to deal with the fallout of what could befall them if left to their own devices. In so doing, I have fostered their immaturity and dependence. That's so the opposite of what I want to do! What a true friend, mentor or parent does is encourage and foster responsibility and independence. We should stay focused on living our best life while giving counsel when it is sought and being a helpful resource when those we care about are digging themselves out of a hole of their creation. The key is letting them do the digging.

So, I am working hard to step back and consciously allow them to grow on their own. At times it feels as if there will always be something I am having to release my grip on. Letting go is by far the most difficult aspect of love. It takes faith in a process we cannot foresee and willingness to be vulnerable. Journey on!