Careful what you wish for...

The saying is as old as the hills. Up until recently I always saw it as cautionary in a 'Don't be stupid' kind of way. But, my perspective on it is shifting. I'm beginning to see it as the reference to manifesting that it has always been. It's funny how we can often be fearful of getting what we wish for. I think that's rooted in a sense that we often don't have a clue what we really need, only what we want. Sometimes we don't even know what we want! Well, I submit to you that we often can't figure out what we need until we pursue what we want. Yes, desire can lead us down some pretty dramatic and often tumultuous paths! But, I can't think of a single experience I've had that was rooted in desire that didn't ultimately teach me a great deal about myself. The trick is not berating yourself for making those choices that you later feel were mistakes, even if they clearly were. Instead of getting down on yourself, seek the lesson the experience is revealing to you. Embrace it fully as the opportunity to evolve that it is. Don't hate yourself for actions that you later regret because nothing can change what happened. Instead of scolding yourself, learn from what happened! Forgive yourself if necessary and make amends if you need to. But, do not call yourself trash. We are all sacred and worthy of mercy, especially from ourselves. It's when you refuse to forgive yourself that you head down a truly dark and destructive path. 

The consequences of my decisions in the last year have been significant. I'm following a path that I know I must and I've never doubted it. But, it is revealing things to me about myself that I haven't seen, or been afraid to see, all my life. Challenging things that go against the grain of conventional wisdom. You'd think that would be easy for a 55 year old guy that has chosen to live in a vintage truck and travel around gifting portraits, right? Nope! I don't think it's easy for anyone, in any walk of life, when they have big realizations about themselves that they didn't see coming. Especially when those realizations deviate from the path that you used to be sure was what you needed. We love to think we have our shit figured out and set in stone. That's about the time the earth shakes and splits things wide open! 

As with all realizations, understanding what you're being shown is often the easy part. Accepting it is the bitch. But, once you see your truth, anything less than accepting it will only bring regret and pain not only for yourself, but for those you love as well. 

So, my Christmas wish for you is that you see yourself ever more clearly with every day, and in so doing, you love and accept who you are becoming.

*Russian compass acquired in the Khan el-Khalili in Cairo, Egypt, February 2019.

Don't deny it

Denial is a hell of a drug! After a lifetime of abusing it up until seven years ago, I will have to vigilantly watch out for it for the rest of my life!

One of the most challenging parts of living authentically is accepting that doing so may deeply disappoint loved ones and friends. The pressure we feel, either from our own desire to not hurt anyone or directly from their expressed feelings, often makes it immensely difficult. Moving ahead with what you know you must do for yourself at those times will likely feel like the most selfish thing you’ve ever done. This is where your sense of self worth becomes a really big deal. 

Before 2013 my sense of personal value was based entirely on my perception of what those I was in relationship with thought of me. The insidious thing about it was that my perceptions were completely fucked. Because of the abuse I had endured as a child and the survival traits I acquired to get through it, no amount of the praise or gratitude they expressed could truly reach me and be accepted within as truth. My value had to be earned and no matter what I did, I never felt truly worthy of anyone’s love or acceptance. All I could ever see were my faults. It was a cancer spread across my soul destroying every healthy cell it encountered. 

That existence constructed an epic fortress of denial. One that no amount of pleading from those close to me could breach. It took an all out assault of such force that there was no stone left intact. Everything had to crumble leaving me without a shred of fantasy to cling to. It was the most bitter brokenness I had ever experienced and it changed my life in ways I never could have foreseen at the time.

From that razed earth I learned to reparent myself and unlearn destructive behaviors. One of the cornerstones of my new foundation is that I am worthy just as I am. That we all are. That foundation continues to be strong and it’s a good thing because what I’m currently doing is challenging some of my perceptions of myself. I’m having to face truths that weren’t really on my radar until my decision to leave the PNW for the winter this year. Since hitting the road last month I am getting a fresh look into exactly who I am by myself alone, and facing it full on. Some of it is very challenging and denial would love to get a new foothold here! 

But, that ain’t happening.

I write this to encourage you to look into the mirror. Look deeply into your own eyes and say, ‘I love you and you are enough’. If your foundation is solid you’ll be able to do it without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t sincerely keep that eye contact until a few years ago. I’m solid with it now, but tears still come when I do it because true self love isn’t easy for me. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, risk tolerance, and acceptance that there are no guarantees anything will work out like you’d like. Funny how we all seem to want a guarantee.

Take deep breaths, trust yourself and leap.

 

The road unfolds...

 I made it to San Francisco! I came via a winding route that proved both stunning and challenging. I got seriously cold in central Oregon and northern California. My first night was 22 degrees in Shaniko and my second only 12 degrees in Dorris. That's sleeping in a freezer! Rather ironic considering I am snowbirding and ended up in way colder temps than I ever had to contend with in Seattle for the past two winters! I spent a few days with family in Redding and then headed southwest to Noyo Harbor for the night. The following day I ran Highway 1 all the way to San Francisco. What a road that is! Absolutely gorgeous and full of history, and immensely challenging to drive in an old heavy military vehicle with manual steering and brakes! But, Hella and I persevered and managed to not fly off any cliffs. I spent my first night in San Francisco at the North Battery overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. What a sight and quite the accomplishment considering the state of this truck just four years ago. In 2016 I was nervous driving it across town in Ellensburg and now I'm in California with the thing! That's quite the wow for me! Dreams do come true if you're willing to do the work and make the leaps.

So here I am, writing this blog at Ocean Beach Park with the Pacific before me reaching to the horizon. Surfers are riding the waves in the early sunshine. It's absolutely wonderful seeing and hearing real ocean waves build and break over and over. You just don't see anything like this in Puget Sound and I find it endlessly inspiring. I am slowly learning my way around the city. Hella is definitely a handful on these streets. I've gone up a couple extremely steep ones and I was definitely nervous. But, with a carburetor modified for off road hill climbing, she powers right up them without complaint while setting off the occasional car alarm or two!

I've found a couple solid places to park for the night and have had no problems with being harassed or moved along thus far. The only hiccup has been a leaking axle seal that I replaced yesterday with a spare I carry. All in all, everything is going well. I have random moments when I am amazed I am actually here. 

I wish you all a blessed and healthy Thanksgiving! 

Take a bearing

Living a couple of years in a single city in a rig set up like mine is not difficult. At least it isn’t for me. It didn’t take long for me to find spots to park for the night and locate the public resources in my chosen neighborhood of Ballard. Even with no physical address, Ballard has become my home in Seattle, and it feels good. Seattle was the perfect place for the launch phase of Jackdaw. I’ve made all kinds of contacts and built relationships with amazing organizations here. I’ve had the resources necessary to finish fully modernizing and restoring my drivetrain and proving Hella ready to truly live on the road. Readers of my blog know all the personal reasons why I am also in a good position to finally spend a winter on the road south.

In the 90’s I lived in a Dodge van for 5 years and I’ve spent over 2 years living in Hella full time. All told that’s a fifth of my adult life spent living like this. There’s no doubt I am well adapted to the lifestyle and I look forward to seeing what truly living on the road reveals about myself as well as my purpose.

As I prep for this trip there is a single question that keeps popping up at the back of my brain. Why am I such a solo person? The fact that I am makes me well suited to my path. But, our culture overflows with the message that you must have a partner to be happy and fulfilled. That you need to build a life together based on a shared home and goals. I see the beauty and practicality of these ideals. They are clearly a safer, warm, and more prosperous path in most every way. It’s what most everyone I know wants and works toward.

Then there’s me- Comfortable with living alone in a small truck, at total ease with minimalism, not a care regarding societal judgements or expectations, and no clear idea how it will all work out financially. I’ve become so simple and present that it almost feels like there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there is. Maybe I am the fool so many think I am. I suppose this is my midlife crisis! If so, at least it serves a higher purpose and blesses people. One thing is for sure, I am putting my full heart and faith in the journey.

I have learned in life that our most significant evolutions often come when we let go and dive into uncertainty. Our sense of certainty is an illusion anyway. Everything you plan and expect for yourself is motivating and important, but it’s also pure personal construct. Life can change everything in an instant. 

Set goals and implement your plans, but be certain they square with your heart. Doing so will always set you on a true course. Unfurl the sails and trust your compass. 

Stuff...

 As many of you know, my mom passed in early March. As a result of the pandemic, everything has moved in extra slow motion. It was only two weeks ago that my sister and I finally set about sorting through all of mom's possessions in preparation for conducting her estate sale. For anyone who has been through this process, you know what a monumental task it is emotionally as well as logistically. Mom didn't have a large house or a ton of material possessions. Even so, it took us five dedicated days to sort through everything she had. It didn't matter if it was office supplies, small stuffed animals, gift wrapping supplies, towels, or scraps of paper with her writing on it, everything reminded us of some aspect of mom or a special memory. You can't hurry when carefully sorting through boxes of loose letters and photos. You involuntarily slow down when seeing photos of your parent from long before you knew them. You hear their voice in the letters you read. I feel I have been given new insight into my mom in many ways. It was a very soulful reminding of mom's life. Her hopes, heartbreaks, struggles and joys. We put all those precious documents and photos in serious plastic tubs to keep them safe. I'm so grateful they survived the decades of being loose in all manner of cardboard boxes and envelopes! 

There were many material things I would have kept were it not for the space limitations of my 60 square foot home. There isn't much room in my life for anything that doesn't get used. But, there were a few small and special things that definitely made their way into my home. They are on my walls and hanging in here as well. The perfume pendant in the picture is one of them. It may be my imagination, but I feel like I remember mom wearing the scent that still resides in it.

The last two week's work was also very affirming for me regarding my path. Mom didn't leave behind a large estate and boatloads of stuff. That was never her priority in life. Her legacy is one of loving and blessing others, both family, friends and strangers. Despite all she suffered at the hands of some who hurt her so deeply, she never lost her deep capacity for love, forgiveness, and warmth. Without a doubt, she was and is my greatest inspiration. She definitely left some 'stuff' behind that is precious to my sister and I. But our true inheritance, and mom's greatest legacy, is the generous love and kindness she poured into every minute of our lives. Her spirit flows on through our lives and purpose now. 

Patricia 'Pat' Wacker/Villacres and 'MomMom', you are my hero. 

The embers glow within you...

As any of you who know my story knows, much of what I’m doing with my life has been inspired by my experiences at Burning Man. Participating in those events while at such an intense personal crossroads had a deep impact on me. It was glorious and painful, often at the same time, and I swear it altered my DNA! 

My last burn was 2015. Never in a million years did I think it would take me five, (now hopefully just six), years to return to Black Rock City. It was heartbreaking when life circumstances forced me to sell my 2016 and 2017 Burn tickets. I didn’t buy 2018 or 2019 tickets because all my resources were going into Jackdaw’s launch. In retrospect, I see that I was concerned that my fire might dim without the annual recharge in the desert. The reality has turned out to be quite the opposite. The fire inside that my playa family fanned was already there. They simply inspired me to embrace and stoke it, which is what I do in little and big ways all the time. I will get back to Black Rock City someday, but my fire is not dependent on it. Life as I’m living it is all the stoke I need and I will keep it burning!  

So, here’s the thing. Right now, no matter where you are or what your circumstances, you have what you need to move toward what fires your soul. Sure, there are practical factors to work out. But, if you allow those concerns and considerations to keep you from stoking your passion it will never happen. The practical solutions come as you are willing to make sacrifices and take courageous steps. Baby steps ultimately lead to big leaps. Tell your family and friends what it is you will do. Make it known not only to yourself, but to all those around you. Doing so creates personal accountability and keeps you focused. Bind yourself to your passion and take the ride. I promise you, you will surprise yourself. Yes, you will fall flat on your face sometimes, that’s all part of the journey. You must be willing to boldly fail. There’s not an accomplished person in their field who will tell you otherwise. Not only does failure teach us what to do differently going forward, it keeps us grounded and humble. 

Lastly, it’s worth noting that my idea of success has little to do with societal or economic measures. So, take all this with a grain of salt! Those who don’t know me think I’m everything from inspiring, to crazy, and even lost. Those that know me see that I am a peaceful person living an authentic and inspired life. But, you don’t have to live in a vehicle to make your passion a reality. That just happens to be part of my journey. Your path is as unique and individual as you and your passion are. I’m simply encouraging you to have the courage to find that passionate purpose in your life and get busy manifesting it in your way. Dreaming about it won’t get it done. You must take action and it’s never too early or too late to get on it. Bust through the fearful roadblocks you have placed in your own way. Every moment of your life is a precious gift. You are here to make your unique, positive mark on humanity and those around you. Find your way and make it!

Get your fire ripping and as we say at That Thing in The Desert, “Burn on!”

Not all who wander...

You all know I am hitting the road south for the winter for the first time this year. Seriously traveling in the truck versus just living in it locally, is something I’ve been preparing for and looking forward to for the last several years.

But, the suddenness with which I am free to roam has taken me by surprise. I have not had this kind of freedom since my mid-twenties. I’m no longer needed to help with mom’s care and won’t have any binding obligations here once her estate is settled this Fall. My son just turned 21 and has become more independent than ever in the last year. In a couple of weeks I’ll be swapping in a professionally rebuilt transfer case and third member in the truck, (paid for by my personal savings, not patronage), making Hella more road ready than ever. Everything has come together in this moment to release me into the next phase of the gifting I’m doing. I know it’s what I am meant to do and I’m eager to spread my wings and Jackdaw’s reach.

Even so, it won’t be emotionally easy to go. In the two years I’ve been in Seattle I have put down roots that have led to new love, friends and family. Following our authentic path requires us to do things that many perceive as selfish, foolish, or just plain crazy. Even though the ones I love support me, I know it’s hard for some of them to understand why I’m not willing to live a more conventional life. It’s even hard for me to understand at times! I have a feeling my trip this winter will answer many questions I have about myself. I’ve been living in my truck for over two years now, but it hasn’t been while traveling full time. Living on the road is the true test of how well suited one is to this lifestyle. It will be interesting to see the effect the journey has on my life perspective.

So, yes I have butterflies! For me that’s a good sign I’m on the right track! It’s almost time to venture out from the security of my well known Ballard enclave. In the meantime I’ll keep working Jackdaw, making time for those I love, and enjoying my last few months in the PNW before escaping the winter here.

Journey on!