Don't let the huge task intimidate you. Just begin.

Last Sunday was the three year anniversary of Hella's arrival in my driveway in Ellensburg. She'd been hauled on a flatbed trailer for six days across North America from Ontario, Canada. It would be quite the understatement to say I was excited when she arrived! What made it even more special was that my kids were there when she did. What a feeling that was!

The day after is when the true scope of the project settled on my shoulders. I had an 8000 pound military relic in my driveway that hadn't run for over 30 years. She had been in a barn all that time and become a home to birds and rodents. Besides the yucky messes to deal with, about the only thing that was functional was the steering. This was a mechanical project the likes of which I had always aspired to tackle. Yes, I was intimidated, but I knew I could do it. I spent that day inspecting every inch of the truck and created my initial work list. The first of countless lists to be generated over the next three years!

After three months of bloody, greasy weeknights and weekends, she fired up for me for the first time! The sense of accomplishment was amazing! The thrill faded quickly when I had to turn around and limp home a half mile into my first test drive. This was not going to be quick or easy! It was clear the work had only just begun. So, I kept working and she kept limping home as the test drive radius expanded in ever widening circles with each system restored. As the distance grew, I found more problems and set to repairing them. It was over a year before I took her on her first true trip, which she broke down on! Her first successful trip over the mountains without issue was 15 months after I had begun working on her. It would be another year before I was taking her on serious trips with reasonable certainty that she'd get me back without too much drama. All the while, with every breakdown, I was learning what I needed to learn to keep her rolling for the life ahead.

It's now been four months since I swapped out her original flathead six and transmission for a modern V8 and transmission. With that heart transplant she went from 80 horsepower to 250. The new mill just ticked off 2000 miles and is running like a boss. After years of crawling painfully slowly up hills, I doubt I'll ever stop grinning stupidly as I roll on the power and go up them at the speed limit! I have finally arrived at a practical point of operation where I jump in the driver's seat, fire up and go without drama. It is wonderful! There's still plenty of maintenance to keep up on and I know she'll throw surprises at me as we travel. But I know that I'm up to the task now. Thank you to all my friends in person and online that have helped me get her to the point she is now. You all rock!

Anybody who takes on a project like this knows you are never finished with it. You bond with the machine and start talking with it like Han and the Millennium Falcon. I think we literally give the machine a soul as we go. Hella is more than my truck, she's become my home and friend.

Bringing this rig back to life and making it what I need it to be has taught me a lot about devotion, endurance, humility, and most of all vulnerability. Most folks restore vehicles like this for amusement on sunny summer days or parades. It's an entirely different proposition to make one your only wheels, your home, and take it on the road. Only a mechanic could do something like this. Good thing I turned out to be a decent one! I've always enjoyed working on my vehicles, but I never would have guessed how important those skills would be to my future. It is amazing the way life is always preparing you for the next chapter. Good or bad, all that is happening in your life is teaching you something of value for the road ahead. Be encouraged that the heartbreaks and setbacks are intended. They present opportunities to grow and evolve in ways that will inspire your purpose and unleash your full potential. That is, if you are brave enough to face them full on and seek the lessons.

Photo- May 26, 2016 as she was...

I couldn't close the partition door last night...

I have to sleep with all my lighting gear in the rig on the night after a Jackdaw shoot. It wouldn't be a terrible pain, except for the long background poles that I use. In order to get in bed, I have to run the tubes from my floorboard through the doorway and into the back leaving enough room for me to sleep. It may sound silly, but I don't like it when I can't close the partition door at bedtime. It's just a nice feeling of privacy. In any case, it always seems to be on those nights, when my cab is packed with photography equipment, that something strange happens. And so it did...

At 2am I was awakened by the screams of a seriously disturbed young man walking the railroad tracks I was parked beside. He was screaming 'DAD' over and over so loud and angrily that his voice sounded like it was bleeding! He woke me out of a dead sleep from a quarter mile away. That's how loud he was! I got up to see who was coming toward me and as he got closer he looked like he could be my son. Same build and height as him and wearing the same kind of military surplus jacket he does. I couldn't imagine my son acting like that unless he had experienced something horrific, but I had to be sure. With my lights off I kept watching his approach through the open slot between the door and the doorway. It wasn't until he was literaly at Hella's nose that I was able to conclude it wasn't my son. It was a huge relief of course, but I was still overwhelmed with the desperate energy of this young man screaming 'DAD' over and over with every step. I felt so very bad for him! He was either very emotionally disturbed or having one hell of a bad trip. Either way, it was heartbreaking and bone-chilling at the same time. I could still hear him screaming in the distance 15 minutes after he had passed by. I saw a couple of police cruisers heading his way about the time I couldn't hear him any longer. I hope they were able to help him.

All I could keep thinking about is what could have happened between him and his father to bring him to such a state. It flashed me back to the abuse I suffered at the hands of a stepfather when I was a teen. There are many choices I could have made in my 20's that could have brought me to the same state of painful hopelessness and anger that I felt pouring out of that distraught young man last night.

A single person's actions or a single choice can have such devastating impact on a life. It can take one completely off their rails for a very long time and lead to a cascade of terrible experiences that they may never recover from. Think of the stupid shit you did in your 20's that you were lucky enough to survive without injuring yourself or others. When you see street folks that offend or frighten you, try to recognize their pain and desperation. Instead of disdain, send them merciful thoughts of healing. You can't possibly know what they have been through in their lives. I understand that many of them are not safe to interact with, or even make eye contact. But, try not to be cold. Under different circumstances, their life that so frightens you could have been your own.

Sheared in Ballard

Haircuts. You can't cut your own, (well, I can't anyway), so you've got to pony up! This was only my second cut since I launched 9 months ago. I was way overdue because the last one was such a disaster! This time I did my homework and went to a seriously legit place, Rudy's in Ballard. What a difference! Thank you Liberty for taming my mane!

While I was there it was interesting to see all the guys sit down in the seats with hair that looked to me like it had just been cut the day before. It got me thinking about the gulf between the haves and the have-nots. A quality haircut may seem like a small thing, but it really isn't. They're expensive and out of reach for those who are barely surviving.

As I continue down this path of service to people who are struggling in life, I see more and more all that is stacked against them. So many little things that add up to giant hurdles as they strive to pull themselves up. Let me tell you, it fills me with a tremendous amount of empathy for their struggles, and gratitude for how blessed I am. If you feel blessed, I challenge you to give of yourself somehow, in an unexpected way, to someone who needs what you have to give. I promise you, it will fill up your heart and enrich your spirit.

Following your gut is not easy

I am a Firefly fan. Wash is my favorite character on the show for many reasons. His self calming chant of, "I'm a leaf on the wind", as he piloted Serenity through crazy maneuver after crazy maneuver always spoke to me. In a lot of ways I have become a leaf on the wind now. It may sound carefree and inspiring to cast off most everything you own and live like I am. At times it certainly is. But, the reality is that I often feel conflicted for pursuing this purpose. This is because, as a seasoned professional photographer, I could be putting my energy into freelancing and be making decent money. I choose instead to pour all my energy into building up Jackdaw, which is a significant financial loss every month. I accept that this is what it will take to get to a point of patronage that is self-sustaining. I ran out of my launch savings and emergency fund months ago, and am now tapping my retirement resources in order to bridge the gap. I know I'm doing what I am supposed to and I won't give up on this. I am so very grateful to my patrons for their monthly support! Jackdaw currently has 22 monthly patrons. I need about 80 more monthly $10 patrons in order to reach a point of survival where I can stop tapping my retirement funds.

Anyway, back to the original point of all this! The thing about my devotion to Jackdaw that is difficult for me to take, is that so many of my loved ones would benefit from me getting back in the freelance game. But, doing so would take all my time and energy and would cripple Jackdaw considerably. I'm not willing to do that unless I reach the point that I'm about to drain my retirement completely dry. It's a wondrous and nerve-wracking ride all at the same time! I could have stayed at CWU and been of significant financial help to the ones I love. Not to mention continue covering my children's health insurance. But, I gave up that choice civil service position at a state university to devote myself to this work and I'll be damned if I'm going to play it safe now. As passionate as I am about what I'm doing, I still battle with feeling like a selfish jerk for leaving such an amazing job. But, in my heart I knew I had to. And those that love me encouraged and supported my decision. They were, and continue to be, amazing. Which only makes me feel more selfish at times about my choices! It's a viscous circle that I can get locked into when I'm not paying close enough attention to what's going on with my true value. When it starts happening, I make time to clear my head and breathe. With fresh perspective, I return to what I've set out to do.

The truth is that by giving of myself like I am, I have more of what's truly valuable to give those I love, as well as the people this work blesses. Time is what I have to give now. Yes, money is necessary and extremely useful. We would all love to not have to worry about it. But, nothing we have is more valuable than time. And I'll take time with those I love, over money any day.

Time, the air I breathe, and the beating of my heart. These are infinitely more valuable than any financial resources. I've never been wealthy, but I've always found a way to get things done. So, I will continue to relax into this work with faith and the outpouring of my heart and energy.

Thanks for being on this ride with me! Namaste

Post production...

I had two family portrait days at a couple Mary's Place houses last week. Each shoot day generates about eight hours of post production. Here I am at the library burning each family's disc of their shots. It's always so cool to edit and photoshop these pics. The people we bless are genuinely grateful for this gift. Well, most of them anyway! Some of the kids can be less than enthusiastic at times! But, they usually come around. In any case, everything for this round is printed and the discs burned, so I'm ready for tomorrow's and Saturday's shoots. Thanks as always to all of you that help make this possible. You are truly wonderful.

Go hard or not at all

I came across this art walking home yesterday afternoon. Yes, it's a violent image, but I can't help but love it. Not because of the banger sending rounds down the street, but because of the message, 'Bang hard or don't bang at all'. It's the perspective of going for it without reservation. Committing oneself fully once they've decided to go. For 48 years I didn't know how to do that. I could fake it pretty well, but inside I knew I was always holding myself back from giving it all. Consequently, it took losing my entire construct to finally break me hard enough to find the courage to allow who I really am to come to the fore. The journey was brutal, but so very worth it. Along the way I shed every element of my life that did not serve me. I got leaner and leaner which released me more and more to fulfill the purpose that was driving me forward. I can't adequately describe the feeling of being free to focus my energy on what I love. It's hilarious to me that all I own in this world fits in this truck, yet I feel incredibly wealthy! The work I do now brings smiles, hugs and legacy. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I am on my right path and will do whatever it takes to stay on this road of gifting.

Which brings me back to the message in the graffiti. In everything you are passionate about, give it all you've got. Don't hold back. Be brave and vulnerable. The only regrets I have in my life are the times I held back. Unleash the full power of your potential. Scary? Yes, it is sometimes. You will fall at times. But, you'll get up wiser for it and adjust. Just don't dial it back when you adjust! Embrace the lessons and keep moving toward that horizon.

Back in business!

I'm back in Seattle. Winter is wrapping up. Hella has her new heart and is kicking ass. The sun is beaming in this morning and I am charged to get the portraits humming again! Being hobbled by engine problems and repairs for 3 months was very challenging. But, I am very grateful for the timing. While it was miserable doing that work in freezing temperatures, I'm very glad it wasn't going on during my busy time of year.

I just finished breakfast and planning my week. It's so nice having the sun slowly warm up the interior. I awoke today with an immense feeling of being blessed and boundless. I am ready to rock! Here's wishing you all the same sense of purpose in your life. Be brave and venture forth! The day is yours.