Wings...

Every now and then I get asked about the wing necklace I wear.

If you have read the Jackdaw website you know that the inspiration for this outreach arose from a period of great loss in my life. Virtually everything I expected my life to be, fell away in 2013. Years of bleeding and gut wrenching change ensued. Along the way I began doing things I had denied myself for reasons of compromise and practicality. Chief among those things was Burning Man. In early 2014, I met a Burner in the ACA group I had become a part of, and that was all the reminder I needed. I bought my ticket a few months later and despite many obstacles, loaded up the Bronco and hit the road to the Black Rock Desert for my first Burn that summer.

To say it was life changing would be a tremendous understatement. I volunteered and camped with the Temple Guardians. It was a fellow Guardian, Craigster, that gave me the wing necklace. Another Guardian campmate, Crispy, had had the wings custom made for us. From the moment Craigster handed me the wing and I put it on, I knew I would wear it the rest of my life. It was one of many gifts I received on the playa that year. They were all important and meaningful, but this one became part of me full time.

What the wing symbolizes for me is faith. It came into my life as I was finally beginning to see myself worthy of following my instincts and heart's desire. The truth of who I am and what I wanted had always been there, buried beneath all the fear and shame that had been heaped upon me by an abusive step father in my early teens. I had allowed his sick and corrosive words to mold my perception of myself for over 30 years. I didn't realize or see it of course, that's the insidious nature of abuse. The coping strategies we adopt to survive it become our everyday traits as we enter adulthood. The only way to change it is to see it and consciously work to change our behavior. The initial process took me years, and just like with any long term learned behavior, it is something I'll always have to guard against slipping back into my life.

Which is another reason I wear the wing. It reminds me to trust my intuition. That I can change. That I am free and will never again allow myself to be bound by another's expectations.

This wing reminds me that I can fly. I need only be brave enough to leap.