Careful what you wish for...

The saying is as old as the hills. Up until recently I always saw it as cautionary in a 'Don't be stupid' kind of way. But, my perspective on it is shifting. I'm beginning to see it as the reference to manifesting that it has always been. It's funny how we can often be fearful of getting what we wish for. I think that's rooted in a sense that we often don't have a clue what we really need, only what we want. Sometimes we don't even know what we want! Well, I submit to you that we often can't figure out what we need until we pursue what we want. Yes, desire can lead us down some pretty dramatic and often tumultuous paths! But, I can't think of a single experience I've had that was rooted in desire that didn't ultimately teach me a great deal about myself. The trick is not berating yourself for making those choices that you later feel were mistakes, even if they clearly were. Instead of getting down on yourself, seek the lesson the experience is revealing to you. Embrace it fully as the opportunity to evolve that it is. Don't hate yourself for actions that you later regret because nothing can change what happened. Instead of scolding yourself, learn from what happened! Forgive yourself if necessary and make amends if you need to. But, do not call yourself trash. We are all sacred and worthy of mercy, especially from ourselves. It's when you refuse to forgive yourself that you head down a truly dark and destructive path. 

The consequences of my decisions in the last year have been significant. I'm following a path that I know I must and I've never doubted it. But, it is revealing things to me about myself that I haven't seen, or been afraid to see, all my life. Challenging things that go against the grain of conventional wisdom. You'd think that would be easy for a 55 year old guy that has chosen to live in a vintage truck and travel around gifting portraits, right? Nope! I don't think it's easy for anyone, in any walk of life, when they have big realizations about themselves that they didn't see coming. Especially when those realizations deviate from the path that you used to be sure was what you needed. We love to think we have our shit figured out and set in stone. That's about the time the earth shakes and splits things wide open! 

As with all realizations, understanding what you're being shown is often the easy part. Accepting it is the bitch. But, once you see your truth, anything less than accepting it will only bring regret and pain not only for yourself, but for those you love as well. 

So, my Christmas wish for you is that you see yourself ever more clearly with every day, and in so doing, you love and accept who you are becoming.

*Russian compass acquired in the Khan el-Khalili in Cairo, Egypt, February 2019.

Don't deny it

Denial is a hell of a drug! After a lifetime of abusing it up until seven years ago, I will have to vigilantly watch out for it for the rest of my life!

One of the most challenging parts of living authentically is accepting that doing so may deeply disappoint loved ones and friends. The pressure we feel, either from our own desire to not hurt anyone or directly from their expressed feelings, often makes it immensely difficult. Moving ahead with what you know you must do for yourself at those times will likely feel like the most selfish thing you’ve ever done. This is where your sense of self worth becomes a really big deal. 

Before 2013 my sense of personal value was based entirely on my perception of what those I was in relationship with thought of me. The insidious thing about it was that my perceptions were completely fucked. Because of the abuse I had endured as a child and the survival traits I acquired to get through it, no amount of the praise or gratitude they expressed could truly reach me and be accepted within as truth. My value had to be earned and no matter what I did, I never felt truly worthy of anyone’s love or acceptance. All I could ever see were my faults. It was a cancer spread across my soul destroying every healthy cell it encountered. 

That existence constructed an epic fortress of denial. One that no amount of pleading from those close to me could breach. It took an all out assault of such force that there was no stone left intact. Everything had to crumble leaving me without a shred of fantasy to cling to. It was the most bitter brokenness I had ever experienced and it changed my life in ways I never could have foreseen at the time.

From that razed earth I learned to reparent myself and unlearn destructive behaviors. One of the cornerstones of my new foundation is that I am worthy just as I am. That we all are. That foundation continues to be strong and it’s a good thing because what I’m currently doing is challenging some of my perceptions of myself. I’m having to face truths that weren’t really on my radar until my decision to leave the PNW for the winter this year. Since hitting the road last month I am getting a fresh look into exactly who I am by myself alone, and facing it full on. Some of it is very challenging and denial would love to get a new foothold here! 

But, that ain’t happening.

I write this to encourage you to look into the mirror. Look deeply into your own eyes and say, ‘I love you and you are enough’. If your foundation is solid you’ll be able to do it without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t sincerely keep that eye contact until a few years ago. I’m solid with it now, but tears still come when I do it because true self love isn’t easy for me. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, risk tolerance, and acceptance that there are no guarantees anything will work out like you’d like. Funny how we all seem to want a guarantee.

Take deep breaths, trust yourself and leap.

 

The road unfolds...

 I made it to San Francisco! I came via a winding route that proved both stunning and challenging. I got seriously cold in central Oregon and northern California. My first night was 22 degrees in Shaniko and my second only 12 degrees in Dorris. That's sleeping in a freezer! Rather ironic considering I am snowbirding and ended up in way colder temps than I ever had to contend with in Seattle for the past two winters! I spent a few days with family in Redding and then headed southwest to Noyo Harbor for the night. The following day I ran Highway 1 all the way to San Francisco. What a road that is! Absolutely gorgeous and full of history, and immensely challenging to drive in an old heavy military vehicle with manual steering and brakes! But, Hella and I persevered and managed to not fly off any cliffs. I spent my first night in San Francisco at the North Battery overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. What a sight and quite the accomplishment considering the state of this truck just four years ago. In 2016 I was nervous driving it across town in Ellensburg and now I'm in California with the thing! That's quite the wow for me! Dreams do come true if you're willing to do the work and make the leaps.

So here I am, writing this blog at Ocean Beach Park with the Pacific before me reaching to the horizon. Surfers are riding the waves in the early sunshine. It's absolutely wonderful seeing and hearing real ocean waves build and break over and over. You just don't see anything like this in Puget Sound and I find it endlessly inspiring. I am slowly learning my way around the city. Hella is definitely a handful on these streets. I've gone up a couple extremely steep ones and I was definitely nervous. But, with a carburetor modified for off road hill climbing, she powers right up them without complaint while setting off the occasional car alarm or two!

I've found a couple solid places to park for the night and have had no problems with being harassed or moved along thus far. The only hiccup has been a leaking axle seal that I replaced yesterday with a spare I carry. All in all, everything is going well. I have random moments when I am amazed I am actually here. 

I wish you all a blessed and healthy Thanksgiving! 

Take a bearing

Living a couple of years in a single city in a rig set up like mine is not difficult. At least it isn’t for me. It didn’t take long for me to find spots to park for the night and locate the public resources in my chosen neighborhood of Ballard. Even with no physical address, Ballard has become my home in Seattle, and it feels good. Seattle was the perfect place for the launch phase of Jackdaw. I’ve made all kinds of contacts and built relationships with amazing organizations here. I’ve had the resources necessary to finish fully modernizing and restoring my drivetrain and proving Hella ready to truly live on the road. Readers of my blog know all the personal reasons why I am also in a good position to finally spend a winter on the road south.

In the 90’s I lived in a Dodge van for 5 years and I’ve spent over 2 years living in Hella full time. All told that’s a fifth of my adult life spent living like this. There’s no doubt I am well adapted to the lifestyle and I look forward to seeing what truly living on the road reveals about myself as well as my purpose.

As I prep for this trip there is a single question that keeps popping up at the back of my brain. Why am I such a solo person? The fact that I am makes me well suited to my path. But, our culture overflows with the message that you must have a partner to be happy and fulfilled. That you need to build a life together based on a shared home and goals. I see the beauty and practicality of these ideals. They are clearly a safer, warm, and more prosperous path in most every way. It’s what most everyone I know wants and works toward.

Then there’s me- Comfortable with living alone in a small truck, at total ease with minimalism, not a care regarding societal judgements or expectations, and no clear idea how it will all work out financially. I’ve become so simple and present that it almost feels like there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there is. Maybe I am the fool so many think I am. I suppose this is my midlife crisis! If so, at least it serves a higher purpose and blesses people. One thing is for sure, I am putting my full heart and faith in the journey.

I have learned in life that our most significant evolutions often come when we let go and dive into uncertainty. Our sense of certainty is an illusion anyway. Everything you plan and expect for yourself is motivating and important, but it’s also pure personal construct. Life can change everything in an instant. 

Set goals and implement your plans, but be certain they square with your heart. Doing so will always set you on a true course. Unfurl the sails and trust your compass. 

Stuff...

 As many of you know, my mom passed in early March. As a result of the pandemic, everything has moved in extra slow motion. It was only two weeks ago that my sister and I finally set about sorting through all of mom's possessions in preparation for conducting her estate sale. For anyone who has been through this process, you know what a monumental task it is emotionally as well as logistically. Mom didn't have a large house or a ton of material possessions. Even so, it took us five dedicated days to sort through everything she had. It didn't matter if it was office supplies, small stuffed animals, gift wrapping supplies, towels, or scraps of paper with her writing on it, everything reminded us of some aspect of mom or a special memory. You can't hurry when carefully sorting through boxes of loose letters and photos. You involuntarily slow down when seeing photos of your parent from long before you knew them. You hear their voice in the letters you read. I feel I have been given new insight into my mom in many ways. It was a very soulful reminding of mom's life. Her hopes, heartbreaks, struggles and joys. We put all those precious documents and photos in serious plastic tubs to keep them safe. I'm so grateful they survived the decades of being loose in all manner of cardboard boxes and envelopes! 

There were many material things I would have kept were it not for the space limitations of my 60 square foot home. There isn't much room in my life for anything that doesn't get used. But, there were a few small and special things that definitely made their way into my home. They are on my walls and hanging in here as well. The perfume pendant in the picture is one of them. It may be my imagination, but I feel like I remember mom wearing the scent that still resides in it.

The last two week's work was also very affirming for me regarding my path. Mom didn't leave behind a large estate and boatloads of stuff. That was never her priority in life. Her legacy is one of loving and blessing others, both family, friends and strangers. Despite all she suffered at the hands of some who hurt her so deeply, she never lost her deep capacity for love, forgiveness, and warmth. Without a doubt, she was and is my greatest inspiration. She definitely left some 'stuff' behind that is precious to my sister and I. But our true inheritance, and mom's greatest legacy, is the generous love and kindness she poured into every minute of our lives. Her spirit flows on through our lives and purpose now. 

Patricia 'Pat' Wacker/Villacres and 'MomMom', you are my hero. 

The embers glow within you...

As any of you who know my story knows, much of what I’m doing with my life has been inspired by my experiences at Burning Man. Participating in those events while at such an intense personal crossroads had a deep impact on me. It was glorious and painful, often at the same time, and I swear it altered my DNA! 

My last burn was 2015. Never in a million years did I think it would take me five, (now hopefully just six), years to return to Black Rock City. It was heartbreaking when life circumstances forced me to sell my 2016 and 2017 Burn tickets. I didn’t buy 2018 or 2019 tickets because all my resources were going into Jackdaw’s launch. In retrospect, I see that I was concerned that my fire might dim without the annual recharge in the desert. The reality has turned out to be quite the opposite. The fire inside that my playa family fanned was already there. They simply inspired me to embrace and stoke it, which is what I do in little and big ways all the time. I will get back to Black Rock City someday, but my fire is not dependent on it. Life as I’m living it is all the stoke I need and I will keep it burning!  

So, here’s the thing. Right now, no matter where you are or what your circumstances, you have what you need to move toward what fires your soul. Sure, there are practical factors to work out. But, if you allow those concerns and considerations to keep you from stoking your passion it will never happen. The practical solutions come as you are willing to make sacrifices and take courageous steps. Baby steps ultimately lead to big leaps. Tell your family and friends what it is you will do. Make it known not only to yourself, but to all those around you. Doing so creates personal accountability and keeps you focused. Bind yourself to your passion and take the ride. I promise you, you will surprise yourself. Yes, you will fall flat on your face sometimes, that’s all part of the journey. You must be willing to boldly fail. There’s not an accomplished person in their field who will tell you otherwise. Not only does failure teach us what to do differently going forward, it keeps us grounded and humble. 

Lastly, it’s worth noting that my idea of success has little to do with societal or economic measures. So, take all this with a grain of salt! Those who don’t know me think I’m everything from inspiring, to crazy, and even lost. Those that know me see that I am a peaceful person living an authentic and inspired life. But, you don’t have to live in a vehicle to make your passion a reality. That just happens to be part of my journey. Your path is as unique and individual as you and your passion are. I’m simply encouraging you to have the courage to find that passionate purpose in your life and get busy manifesting it in your way. Dreaming about it won’t get it done. You must take action and it’s never too early or too late to get on it. Bust through the fearful roadblocks you have placed in your own way. Every moment of your life is a precious gift. You are here to make your unique, positive mark on humanity and those around you. Find your way and make it!

Get your fire ripping and as we say at That Thing in The Desert, “Burn on!”

Not all who wander...

You all know I am hitting the road south for the winter for the first time this year. Seriously traveling in the truck versus just living in it locally, is something I’ve been preparing for and looking forward to for the last several years.

But, the suddenness with which I am free to roam has taken me by surprise. I have not had this kind of freedom since my mid-twenties. I’m no longer needed to help with mom’s care and won’t have any binding obligations here once her estate is settled this Fall. My son just turned 21 and has become more independent than ever in the last year. In a couple of weeks I’ll be swapping in a professionally rebuilt transfer case and third member in the truck, (paid for by my personal savings, not patronage), making Hella more road ready than ever. Everything has come together in this moment to release me into the next phase of the gifting I’m doing. I know it’s what I am meant to do and I’m eager to spread my wings and Jackdaw’s reach.

Even so, it won’t be emotionally easy to go. In the two years I’ve been in Seattle I have put down roots that have led to new love, friends and family. Following our authentic path requires us to do things that many perceive as selfish, foolish, or just plain crazy. Even though the ones I love support me, I know it’s hard for some of them to understand why I’m not willing to live a more conventional life. It’s even hard for me to understand at times! I have a feeling my trip this winter will answer many questions I have about myself. I’ve been living in my truck for over two years now, but it hasn’t been while traveling full time. Living on the road is the true test of how well suited one is to this lifestyle. It will be interesting to see the effect the journey has on my life perspective.

So, yes I have butterflies! For me that’s a good sign I’m on the right track! It’s almost time to venture out from the security of my well known Ballard enclave. In the meantime I’ll keep working Jackdaw, making time for those I love, and enjoying my last few months in the PNW before escaping the winter here.

Journey on! 

No escape necessary

If you could do anything today, what would you do?

It’s a classic fantasy that we all like to indulge from time to time. In my previous life I often thought about what I would do ‘if I could’. It always made me sad to think about it since I felt powerless to ever have the life I imagined. Ironically, it was losing the life I thought I couldn’t live without that allowed me the opportunity to grow and create the fulfilling life I now have. As I worked through the wreckage of my situation, those ‘someday’ imagination sessions got me through many a tough moment. They got me thinking seriously about what really mattered to me in life. I discovered that the negative voice I had been hearing inside all my life was not mine. I found my true inner voice and began listening and acting on it. As I did, the negative voice faded dramatically. I stopped seeing my desires as impossible fantasies and began doing whatever it took to manifest them. As they became more and more clear, they served as inspiration to work toward a life that I would find fulfilling and inspiring. And here I am now. Living a life that is challenging, rewarding, unpredictable, and full of diverse experiences. I have zero idea how it’s going to all work out, but it keeps working out as I take each step with faith and purpose. I am finally living the life my heart has always wanted. 

Now, for the ‘be careful what you wish for’ part of this post.

Finding the path that fires your soul will call for courage and sacrifice. Letting go is a huge part of arriving in an inspired place no matter what your pursuit, and is very painful at times. You will feel lost. You will feel selfish. You will fail. You may lose relationships that are important to you. You will feel fear. You will disappoint people you love. You will feel heartless at times and deeply question your motivations for what you are doing. All are part and parcel of authentic living and necessary for us to grow. It is not comfortable nor easy! But, I promise you, it all leads to a place of deep personal connection with what stokes your fire. A place where you no longer wish to escape or be somewhere else. A place where other’s expectations are no longer your own. A bountiful place that has nothing to do with your financial holdings. Yes, we all need money, but it will never, ever, be what brings you serenity, purpose, or love. Only your true path will do that. Money can be taken away in the blink of an eye, just like your health. Some will get financially rich following their true path and others will not. Such is life. Material wealth has nothing to do with wholehearted and purposeful living. The currencies of a fulfilling life are love and time. We all have that to give if we are willing.

So, what would I be doing today if I could be doing anything I wanted? I’d be doing exactly what I am doing. I feel that way literally every day. It’s a state where every night when I lay my head down I’m satisfied if the day had been my last. Let me tell you, that sense of serenity is the greatest wealth I have ever experienced.

Coming up on two years!

Vanlife has proven a spirit expanding experience for me on many levels. I restored and built this vehicle for three years to be my home and do not consider myself homeless. I cannot speak to the experience of those for whom devastating circumstances forced them out of their home and into living in their vehicle. Though I have met many for whom that is the case, I know I don’t have a clue how that feels. So please, keep my very privileged situation in mind as you read on.

My vehicle choice was driven almost entirely by my heart. I had dreamt all my life of owning a rig like this and fulfilling that dream was worth living with it’s space constraints. I knew her tiny living space would provide room for little more than a safe place to hang out in bad weather, sleep, space for food, clothing and tools. My interior is 60 square feet with an interior height of 4.5 feet, which is 270 cubic feet of interior living and storage space. By way of comparison, a modern micro studio is 1800 cubic feet. I have storage for a maximum of two weeks of clothes, food and water. Since I am rolling in a vintage vehicle, (not a giant Sprinter van like most people use for this endeavor), a quarter of my storage space is occupied by tools and spare parts. I have a tiny fridge for protein and condiments. A small kitchen out the back door and a single burner stove on my desk for when weather won’t allow cooking out back. I have just enough solar to keep all my devices fully charged. Literally every nook and cranny of my tiny home is utilized for storing something that fits perfectly in said space. I have achieved an entirely new level of organizational skill when it comes to managing space! And because I only carry what I use, there is still a remarkably comfortable amount of space to hang out inside. It is not at all cluttered or stuffy. It’s much like being inside the cabin of a 24’ sailboat, only a lot less curvy! And yet, despite this diminutive living space, my world is more vast than it has ever been.

This lifestyle has forever clarified for me the difference between wants and needs. I literally do not have room for a new tee shirt until one that I have wears out. I can’t bring anything new aboard without eliminating something of equal mass or dimension. The only unnecessary thing of awkward size that I have in here is a wind chime. It’s beautiful deep tone makes it worth putting up with! I have no collections anymore, except for stickers and magnets from places I travel and friends I swap stickers with. It is truly a life of acquiring experiences rather than things, which is something I have always aspired to. I’ll never forget the feeling as I began selling off everything I owned that would no longer be needed when I launched. I had no idea how much all that stuff weighed upon my spirit, and even my body. I felt lighter and lighter with everything I sold or donated. That lightness of spirit has only persisted and grown. Having so little has made me feel so rich! The gratitude I now have for the most basic of needs is a daily reminder of how blessed I am. Less truly is more.

As I close in on two years of full time vanlife, it has become crystal clear that I have the heart of a nomad. I deeply love both the purpose this lifestyle is serving as well as the lifestyle itself. In mid November I will be rolling south to spend the winter gifting portraits in the Southwest. It will be my first experience traveling extensively without a sense of having a home base like Seattle has been for the last two years. It will undoubtedly bring about new opportunities for me to grow, which is exactly what I’m interested in collecting for the rest of my life!

Stand up for what's right

The events of 2020 thus far have left no life untouched. Regardless of your political ideology, age, location or demographic, you have been impacted. Many have died or lost loved ones to Covid19. Then came George Floyd's murder at the hands of four Minneapolis police officers while he and others around him begged for his life for over eight minutes. The unjustified killings of minorities in their communities is not new. It's been happening to minorities in this country from the very beginning of colonization over 500 years ago. First the native Americans, then African slaves and it continues for both as well as Latino citizens to this day. What has changed is the advent of internet connected smartphone cameras in everyone's hands. They are allowing the privileged who don't live in those neighborhoods to see the ugly face of racism in graphic and unflinching detail. I have a front seat to some of this living on the streets and working with marginalized communities like I do. I see their initial fear and distrust of me and give them all the time and space they need to make up their minds about me.  I am not saying that I have a clue what it is like to live under the oppression and fear of systemic racism that permeates the fabric of our country. But, I sincerely endeavor to understand it more as I recognize the incredible privilege my skin color affords me in our society. And that privilege makes me sick to my soul.

Imagine if we could all respond to the disease of racism the way we have to the Covid19 pandemic! With rare exception, we all recognized the lethality of the threat and quickly adapted to mitigate it. Governments stepped up and marshalled the resources to battle it, though they could have acted more quickly. The US has been historically slow to respond to a crisis unless it impacts corporate profits and interests. In any case, when the evidence was undeniable, we shut down everything in order to deal with it. Every level of our society recognized the danger and responded. Racism is so much more destructive and lethal than any coronavirus! We need that same level of sincere urgency in all levels of government to address systemic racism. I have faith 2020 is a huge turning point in the battle for racial equality and justice in the US. I believe the vast majority of whites are good people who simply haven't educated themselves regarding racism and it's constant impact on the minority citizens of this country. It's my hope that the cries of the protestors and the videos of police brutality that are surfacing will finally awaken the sleeping good souls. That they will listen and begin educating themselves. Because as always, education is the key to effecting real and lasting change.

I have many friends who are law enforcement officers. I even considered becoming a cop myself about 20 years ago. I went through a citizen's police academy and did a lot of ride alongs to get a feel for police work. They have an incredibly challenging job! Their lives are on the line every day and things can go completely sideways in a heartbeat on the simplest of calls. They have to make split second assessments and decisions under incredibly stressful circumstances. But, no matter what resistance to arrest is encountered, there is no justification for the kind of treatment that killed George Floyd after being cuffed and subdued. Those officers are straight up murderers. I do not believe any of the officers I know would ever treat a suspect like that. Another recent example is the NYPD squad that pushed a 75 year old protestor back so hard that he stumbled and fell flat on his back on the concrete. One of their squad tried to stop and aid the man laying there motionless with blood pooling around his head and he was grabbed by the arm and forced forward. It made me ill to see that officer deny his humanity and comply with command, leaving the old man dying on the ground. For the rest of his life that officer will regret not tending to that man whom his squad had critically injured. There is definitely a cancer of presumed immunity from accountability and a tolerance for violence within some of our police departments and the only people that can purge the system is the officers themselves. No police brotherhood or department should ever tolerate an officer that has lost their humanity or will to challenge command in the case of injustice unfolding before them. Such officers need to be forever ejected from law enforcement, not just passed on to another police force in a different city.

2020 is giving us unbelievable opportunities for evolutionary cultural change in so many ways! Let's put the cancer of racism at the top of our agenda. I am seizing this opportunity with all my heart to educate myself and be part of the solution. I hope you will too.

Perfection does not exist

We are all flawed. On your best day, if you look closely, you will see something you could have done better. I used to live full time in that place of only seeing where I fucked up. It didn't matter if the mistake was miniscule and without consequence. It loomed as large in my view as Godzilla coming ashore in Tokyo. The entirety of the excellence I had created fell away in the shadow of seeing a single flaw in my efforts. That's what it is to live in a state of shame. You feel relentlessly inadequate in your work, hobbies, and especially your relationships.

A lot of folks confuse shame with guilt. Guilt is an emotional reaction to doing something that goes against your conscience or moral code. Shame in it's toxic form is thinking you yourself are intrinsically bad as a person, which is why your action happened in the first place. It's the difference between thinking, 'I did a hurtful thing', and 'I am a hurtful thing'. A toxic shame state is one in which you see yourself as hopelessly inadequate and you can't separate your mistakes from who you are. You identify with the shame you feel for your failures instead of being motivated in a healthy way to grow and do better. You are entirely unable to forgive yourself and let anything go. The result is a constant state of feeling unworthy and a relentless pursuit of perfection. The sense being that if you could just get it right, the pressure would be off and you could be happy with yourself. You could actually relax for a moment and feel that ever elusive sense of being good enough.

The more deeply one identifies with shame, the less one feels their needs are worthy of attention. You feel that if you aren't getting what you need from a relationship, it's simply because you haven't earned it. You haven't given enough of yourself to earn the honor of their affection or tenderness. You slowly give up on yourself and just serve, eventually becoming dark and uninspired. The shame state poisons every relationship and aspect of your life.

It took a singularly severe life event to break me enough for me to be willing to confront the truth of what I had become. I was 48 when I began the painful work of learning how to shed the shame and live in a state of worthiness. If you are reading this and it resonates with you, I would encourage you to research a support group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. That is the program and work that changed my life. It's completely free unless you want to kick in a buck or two for the coffee/pop fund per meeting. You will find yourself seated at the table with kindred spirits in all phases of their own recovery who know exactly what you are going through. It's not an easy path, but it is an effective one. One that identifies the sources of toxicity in your life, helps you learn how to forgive yourself and others, and realize the beauty and worthiness of your true self.

Note- I could not find the artist's name to give credit for the illustration.

Embracing storms

I'm currently in the beautiful little fishing town of Westport, Washington. Some dramatic weather rolled in off the Pacific yesterday evening. It was swift and glorious. Weather like that reminds me so much of life! There is no stopping it and the only thing we have control of is how we react to it.

The Covid19 pandemic has been a storm for everyone in some form or another. I am blessed that my loved ones are all safe thus far. The shutdown has given my children a unique and unforseen opportunity to reset their lives and priorities. Being forced to suspend portrait creation in shelters for the last two months has given me much needed time with my sister as we grieve mom's passing in early March. It has also provided me the headspace for some fresh self-examination.

As many of you know, it's easy to cruise along on autopilot in life. We all do it at times and there is nothing wrong with it so long as our course is authentic. The challenging thing about charting a true course is that it calls for a fair amount of awareness and personal sacrifice. I'm steadily coming to the conclusion that the more inspired one's life is, the more challenging it becomes. Inspiration and challenge seem inextricably linked and scaled in proportion to one's willingness to follow their instincts. It is especially challenging for a recovering people-pleaser such as myself to not feel selfish about decisions I make if they hurt or disappoint someone I love or care about. The deception of that seemingly altruistic impulse to never disappoint is that it's actually about power and control, not love. It's a manifestation of the idea that I actually have power over another's happiness, which of course, nobody does. As adults we are all responsible for ourselves and I can no more make someone else happy and satisfied with their life than they can mine. As a matter of fact, it's when you give in to the illusion that you have that kind of power that you will make both yourself, and the ones you love, sick and dependent. It's an unsustainable and destructive dance of codependency. Love is never ever about power or control.

It takes courage to follow our heart's desire and trust the journey. It also takes faith in those we love and choose to share our lives with. Love calls for us to believe in them and their instincts. It inspires us to strengthen their wings any way that we can even if doing so appears to take them away from us. The truth is, anytime we love like that, it always brings our hearts closer.

Mom has flown...

On March 10th, mom's confusion and anxiety finally ceased. After nearly two years of suffering with the late stages of Alzheimers, she passed peacefully in her sleep. Her life was brave, beautiful, challenging and miraculous. Lots of it didn't go the way she wanted. But, what mattered most to her went just as she had always hoped. Family was everything to her. She had her children, grandchildren, siblings, her brothers and sister in-laws, her neices and nephews, and many dear friends. Mom basically created family wherever she went. Her life was love, plain and simple. I love her with all my heart and always will.

The journey that Alzheimers took her on was life changing for all who knew and loved her. In the case of my sister Nicole and I, it literally changed everything in our lives. We both left our homes in Central Washington in 2018 because she could no longer live independently. Mom became the central focus and responsibility of Nik's life for the last couple of years. I can't say enough about the love, care, and endurance she demonstrated. She could not have honored our mother more! I am so very grateful for her! I had my son in Seattle to continue guiding into independent adulthood as well as Jackdaw to build. So, I was only in Olympia to care for mom and give Nik a break about a quarter of the time.

For those of you who are currently, (or have), provided 24/7 care for a loved one with Alzheimers, you know how heartbreaking and exhausting it is. Nothing else I have experienced in life even comes close. It stretches the bounds of your physical and mental endurance at the same time that it reveals the depth of your love. Mom was always there for us and there was never any question we would be there for her when she needed us. But, all the love and devotion in the world won't keep you from the emotional wear and tear of providing full time care for one you love afflicted with Alzheimers.

But now she is free. Free of the confusion and terror. Free of her physical pain. She lived a long and very blessed life with far more joy than sorrow. With her passing, not only is she free again, so are we. In occasional lucid moments in the last year she always expressed her frustration with the fact that her care had become the focus of our lives. It was very difficult to see her get upset and cry about that. I know I would feel the same if I were in that situation. As the weight of her care has lifted from our shoulders, I feel like I've reached the end of a year and a half hike up the face of a mountain and just set my pack down for the first time. It's an almost uncomfortable lightness at times. One I sometimes feel guilty for relishing, until I remind myself that this is what she wanted for me, for us. She wanted Nik and I to be free to pursue our lives with all our strength, focus and talent. She loved us enough to let us go. I don't expect the sadness of her passing to be out of my daily awareness for quite a while. But, it's not as bitter as I expected. I think that's because I know she's with me and is getting another of her wishes- To see her children free to fly as well. And so we shall. Your love rolls on Mom!

Leaps show us the way...

It's a stunning spring day here in Seattle! I threw open the back door to let the sun and freshness pour in as I write this post.

In a little over four months, I will have lived in Hella for two years. Some things have gone as I'd hoped while others have not. But, my faith and focus on my purpose remain unshaken. Even so, there are times when I lay in this bed in this little steel box awaiting sleep and I think to myself, 'What the fuck have I done?!' I'm 54, a professional photographer, and all I have in this world is this truck and the possessions that fit in it. Let me tell you, that's an interesting place to be at this age! At moments like that, I literally do laugh out loud!

I believe in what I'm doing and the sacrifices I have made to make it possible. The work I do is deeply meaningful and a blessing to all I create for. As satisfying as it is, I have been relearning some old lessons lately. One of them is that the successful manifestation of whatever you set out to build or do cannot make you any happier than you are without that thing. True serenity must come from within, not without. There's nothing you can do externally that will make you feel truly whole and valuable. No job, hobby or relationship can fill you up if you haven't connected with the wellspring of your own self worth. For me, staying connected to that source is a matter of following my heart even when doing so poses personal or emotional risk. My risk tolerance has increased as I have walked this path. It has been further heightened as I have helped care for my mother as she descended into the depths of Alzheimers. Witnessing her decline has left me with no illusions of having plenty of time to do what is on my heart.

One of the risks on my horizon is rolling south for the winter in November. Mom is now living in an exceptional memory care home and is no longer dependent on my sister and I for her 24/7 care. My son has come into his own and is becoming the independent adult that I knew he would. I'm doing all I can to gain more patrons to help cover the expense of taking this mission on the road south. But, I will go even if I don't have all the support I would like. I feel an urgency and desire that I can no longer deny. I'm looking forward to the adventure and serving new communities, but I'm also sad about the distance doing so will create between myself and the ones I love here in the PNW. Leaving them for the winter feels selfish and goes against my grain. I have always been the anchor, the one that everyone could count on to be in a fixed position, ready and able to help them in whatever way they need. Hoisting that anchor and setting sail will not be easy for me. It will require me to have faith not only in myself and my instincts, but also in my loved one's abilities to take care of themselves. That personal separation is definitely the hardest part of taking on this kind of life. I will once again have to become very familiar with finding serenity within myself, by myself.

There's that wide open vista again! The one that is equally exhilarating and terrifying. Journey on!

Hella mileage milestone!

See that number written in Sharpie above my speedo? 14265 is what the odometer read when Hella was dropped off a dead hulk in my driveway nearly four years ago. Writing that mileage on the dash was the first mark I made on the rig. I knew I had months of work ahead of me before she would even start, let alone run around the tiny town of Ellensburg. After a couple years of literal blood, sweat and tears, she was truly road worthy and I hit the road putting my faith in the work I had done. There's been lots of mechanical hurdles to overcome along the way, but we've tackled them all with ingenuity and determination and she's a truly solid daily driver now. I know she'll throw more curves at me, but I've proven to myself that I'm up to the task. It's a truly awesome feeling to know a vehicle's systems as thoroughly as I do this truck's now. It gives you confidence to really stretch your legs and take the path less traveled.

Last night on the way to Ballard from an evening with my son in Lynnwood, she turned over mile 28530. In less than four years I have doubled the miles she put on in her 20+ years of military and steel mill service before being rolled into a barn to sleep for over 30 years. This big beautiful doll is officially more mine than she's ever been anyone else's and that's a big deal to me! I am one of those humans that gets extremely attached to my ride. I've had two different rigs for over 13 years each. I modified them heavily, but nothing even remotely on par with Hella. This rig is truly a dream manifest for me. I feel so very blessed to be her caretaker. We take excellent care of each other.

My partnership with this truck is likely to be the longest of my life as far as vehicles go. I plan on running her to the very end and then she will be my kid's. Whether they keep her or not, (she's a serious handful in lots of ways), will be up to them. But, no matter what happens, I know she'll go on being loved and bringing smiles and thumbs up everywhere she rolls. That's a very cool part of my legacy, one that makes me happy to think of. It's not even close to the importance of the work I'm doing for families, but for a lifelong old-school gearhead like myself, it's deeply satisfying.

So, congrats Hella! Whaddya say we roll a few hundred thousand more?

(PS- Not one dollar of Jackdaw support has ever been spent on Hella's restoration and modification. I did it all with my personal savings and the sale of possessions I no longer needed.)

Memory is a precious gift

We rarely fully appreciate something until it is lost. No one gets through life without the experience many times and in many ways. On the fortunate occasions, we heal or grow without permanent damage or loss. But, not always.

As many of you know, my sister and I, (primarily my sister by a large margin), have been our mom's caregivers for the last two years as Alzheimers has steadily taken away her memory. It's been a horrifying and crushing thing to witness. I can't imagine a more devastating fate for a human to endure at the end of their days. I am one who steadfastly seeks the lesson or opportunity within terrible circumstances. But in the case of Alzheimers, I have yet to see the good.

Two and a half years ago, a fall I took at work badly tore up my left knee. I was on crutches for several months and in constant pain. After six months I was slowly and rigidly walking without crutches. Years later now and it's still not 100%. I don't know that it ever will be again, but I can walk. The thought early on that I may be done walking was terrifying. But, losing my mobility would be nothing compared to losing my life memories. I would give up any other sense or ability I possess in exchange to keep all that I have known, lived, loved and experienced in my life.

Think of those you love and who love you. The love and trust you give, build and share with them is the greatest force in your life. It binds us together and entwines our fates beyond this life. Now, imagine slowly, relentlessly, becoming a stranger to one you share that bond with.

Far worse, imagine what the other side must be like. Knowing the person before you is of significance to you, yet there is no memory to tell you why. As a matter of fact, you don't know anybody anymore, yet they are telling you what you must do. Assuring you that you can trust them. Oddly familiar strangers giving you medications, dressing you, helping you move about within limitations you do not understand. Not ever truly grasping your situation. Having thoughts that are so fragmented that you cannot articulate them in even the simplest of ways.

All because your memory banks are incrementally shutting down in a slow cascade of confusion.

The words, 'Remember me', written on the rail car in the above photo got me thinking about all this. We all want to be remembered by the ones we love in life. We all think about how we'll be remembered and hope it's positive and inspiring to those who's lives we have touched. Mom doesn't always remember who I am, but I will always remember her as the sweet and loving soul that had unyielding faith in her beliefs and her children. She's still there before me no matter what wretchedness this disease visits upon her. I'll be spending the next few days taking care of her so Nik can get a break. I'm anxious because I know I will be stepping into her life as a stranger again and that hurts. Funny how no matter what our age, being in a parent's presence gives rise to a desire for their recognition and approval. A flash back to childhood when mom or dad would scoop us up in a big, warm hug of pride and joy! I miss that more than I can say.

At this point in mom's journey, all those that love her are her memory now and we remember her. We see her for who she has been to us all her life. We know she loves and is proud of us. We know she trust us. The disease is not who she is. It presents confusion, desperation and anxiety. I will never allow the face of Alzheimers to reshape her.

I love you mom. You are remembered.

You are enough. You have purpose.

This is my dear friend Chuk Lame Crow. I don't know who the photographer is that created this, but I know it was shot in the Temple of Grace at Burning Man in 2014. I just learned yesterday that Chuk passed on a week ago. I was not prepared for that news last night and it wrecked me.

Some people are special to us because we've spent years with them and they know us like nobody else could. I've probably spent a sum total of 8 hours talking with Chuk and I feel about him like people I've known all my life. The combination of the timing of meeting him and the human he was, had a massive impact on my life and inspired a lot of what I am doing today.

Chuk was a longtime Temple Guardian at Burning Man and one of the first people I met in Guardian Camp at my first burn in 2014. He immediately recognized the sea of grief roiling beneath my surface. He welcomed me with a big hug every day as he did everyone. He and I both had roof top tents on our rigs and that got us talking right away. It didn't take long for him to call me out. I cried on him a lot and he let me do so without trying to console me or solve my problems. He was a shining example of empathy and one I aspire to everyday. He defined the spirit of a Temple Guardian, one that holds space for another.

Through the conversations and tears he managed to weave two significant messages into my heart. Firstly, that I was enough just as I was. Secondly, that my life still had purpose. Both were things I was a million miles away from accepting at the time. But, I eventually got there and sure enough, he was right.

It was clear he knew how I was feeling because he too had had similar experiences. He assured me that in a few years time, so long as I had the courage to embrace change and seek my heart's true purpose, I would come to a blessed place of gratitude and joy. He would sit across from me and put his forehead against mine and I would cry, deeply. He understood my pain and welcomed the chance to help me let some out. Chuk was as sweet as a human could ever hope to be.

I learned so much about empathy from him in those moments. Amazingly, I witnessed him doing the same for many others both in camp as well as in the Temple. This was a man who knew his purpose and embraced it with exceptional heart and balance.

I saw Lame Crow again at the 2015 burn and when he passed through Seattle in September of 2018. It was a thrill to share with him what my experiences in life and at Burning Man had inspired me to do. The last time I saw him he told me he was excited for and proud of me. I'll never forget his last hug and him saying, "See? I told you you'd find your way!". Indeed I have Chuk, and you were a huge part of guiding me.

I love you Lame Crow. See you on the other side Brother.

My biggest inspirations

In late 2013 and all of 2014 I felt like willing my heart to stop beating. My marriage had failed and for the first time in my life, I was facing the truth of all aspects of who I had been and why. The painful personal work of peeling back layer after layer was unyielding and felt unbearable. In the first year of my separation it was my children that kept me alive. In those early stages of grief and awakening, I needed someone more than myself to live for. They gave me that reason no matter how dark my world felt. They loved me through and brought precious moments of normalcy and warmth to what was a terrifyingly cold and empty new reality. With them, I got to be Dad despite all my wreckage strewn about me. They didn't see me as the broken man I had become. They saw me as their father who they loved no matter what, and that saved me. It truly did.

Like every parent that holds their child for the first time, my love for them has always been total. What is amazing to me is how it just gets deeper as we go. Aja and Talon have become my biggest inspiration to make the most of the rest of my life.

The legacy I hope my example will inscribe on their hearts is to find their purpose and burn passionately with it. To be fiercely vulnerable and willing to make mistakes. To have the courage to become who they truly are in every aspect of their lives. To trust their inner voice and always choose love over fear.

It is my deepest hope that I will inspire them in these ways, just as their steadfast love and support has inspired me on my journey. I can't thank them enough for loving me through the dark years that seem so long ago, but really weren't.

Aja, Talon, you are my heart guys. I love you always and forever. That's one thing in all your lives that you can count on never changing.

Love,

Dad

A late Christmas...

Christmas comes late for our family this time around. We waited until my daughter, Aja, could join Talon and I at my mom and sister's house. Aja is a freelance photographer and she lives in the SOMA district of San Francisco. She arrives early Tuesday morning and we'll be taking a few days for family. Always a very important thing to make time for! Especially when everyone lives in different places. She will likely join me for my Pike Place Jackdaw day a week from today. That should be fun!

I continue to hear from all kinds of people that saw the KING5 feature. The response has been wonderful and encouraging! I've also been contacted by several new agencies that would like to have me shoot for their clients, which is awesome! I'll be very busy after Aja's visit is done. It's been great meeting so many new people as a result of the TV exposure! I'm hoping all of you that have engaged me will give www.jackdaw.love a good read and consider becoming patrons of this work. It is gaining momentum and blessing so many! I'm optimistic that by the end of 2020 I'll have enough patron support to survive on as I gift. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Rich 'Jackdaw'