The KING5 feature: What they couldn't share with you.

Good morning! It's a lovely 45 degrees in my house as I eat my breakfast and write you today. Yes, that is a lovely temperature! Like most all folks living in a vehicle or on the street, I've acclimated to living with the ambient temperature of the natural world. It's not uncomfortable for me until it drops into the low 30's and below. And even then, I just fire up my little butane heater. So, I do just fine.

My day at Pike Place yesterday was quite the experience! The TV feature has definitely raised Jackdaw's profile. I didn't know what that would be like, but I sure found out yesterday! It was a lot of fun having people walk up to me with smiles like they knew me. All of you so kind and encouraging, thank you! A lot of you asked the same questions as well, and that's why I'm writing this while my laundry spins.

I think Jake and Matt did an amazing job on the KING5 piece. But obviously, they didn't have the time to give the whole story of what I'm doing. That's my job and you can certainly get all the details on my website, www.jackdaw.love

But, there's a couple things I want to clarify for you right here and now.

Firstly, yes I love living like I do. I prepared for years to do this and I have the right personality for living this way. But, it is not endlessly chill and easy as it appears in the TV piece. The yummy fresh taco meal that you saw me sharing with Talon is a once a week splurge dinner that we come together to do. I subsist on much simpler fare the rest of the time. Lots of sandwiches, eggs, fruit, chili, rice, grains, etc...

And my sidekick! That's pretty sweet actually and put a smile on my face when I heard it. My son, Talon, has a regular job and his own life and is not running around with me constantly. He has assisted me on some shoots, but not so much now that he is working more hours at his job. So, my apologies to the young ladies who were disappointed he wasn't hanging out with me yesterday at Pike Place!

Lastly, a word about how I'm doing this financially. I ran out of savings within four months of launching into this and began tapping my 403B retirement savings to carry on. My monthly expenses vary depending on how many portraits I create. But, in general it costs me between $12-1500 a month to live and gift at the level I currently am. That's my food, fuel, toiletries, a tiny storage unit, phone, insurance, prints, laundry, gear oil for my leaky transfer case, website, UNICEF, PO Box, Dropbox, and Adobe subscription. I travel about 6-700 miles a month generally. So, I'm doing all I can to keep it lean and survive long enough for patron support to reach a point of fully supporting the gifting work I do. My current patrons, (you guys ROCK!), provide a bit over $500 a month. I need at least a hundred more monthly $10 patrons as soon as possible. If I don't reach at least $1500 a month in patronage by the end of 2020, my retirement savings will be down to almost nothing and Jackdaw as it currently functions will come to an end. So, if this gifting work resonates with you and you'd like to support it, please go to my website and click the Patronage button under my bio. And of course, feel free to call or email any questions you have for me. My number is 509 607-3827 and email is redskyphoto@yahoo.com.

Again, thank you for all the lovely encouragement and support you all gave me yesterday! I've never had people want to get their pictures with me before! Hella's used to that and was a bit jealous I think...

Wishing you all a blessed and inspired 2020!

Rich

Feels like home to me.

By now the majority of folks reading this blog have probably seen the news feature about me that KING5 just aired. In case you haven't seen it, here's a link-

https://www.king5.com/article/life/seattle-photographer-chooses-homelessness-to-help-engage-with-local-community/281-8076951f-2d45-4f34-8392-f756f221615d

Jake Whittenberg and Matt Mrozinski shot with me three days for the feature. They were sincerely engaged in the story and we became friends as the project rolled along. Seeing the finished feature for the first time a few days ago was like unexpectedly hearing my voice on a recording! It's unsettling at first, but then you begin to realize that's how you really look and sound. In the case of this story, it also shows me how they saw me, which is quite humbling and an honor. They're both passionate about their work and it shows. Thank you guys!

But, there's one thing about the feature that I have wrestled with from the first time I saw it. It's a single word. 'Homeless'. That really got me thinking about labels and the way they separate us. It's technically true that since I live in a vehicle, the government considers me homeless. But, I certainly don't feel homeless. There's a popular IG hashtag that perfectly sums up how I feel about my living situation - #houselessnothomeless. I prepared my vehicle for this life for over two years before launching into this. My home is tiny and has a truck chassis for a foundation, but it is no less a home than a brick and mortar one. I have overlander friends that have been living in their vehicles full time traveling the world for years and I've never heard them referred to as homeless.

In the work I do, I interact with people who are truly homeless. Many are in vehicles that provide nothing more than shelter from the weather. They don't have a kitchen, fridge, heat, a bed, solar power, or a toilet like I do. Then there are the ones with no vehicle who are truly without shelter. Living at that level of homelessness is extremely harsh, and it shows on them. They are the ones that people are most afraid to look at. I understand the need for a classification like the word homeless. But, I fear it does have a dehumanizing effect. For those of us that engage this community, we know the truth of their humanity. The vast majority of those who find themselves in this situation have had horrific life circumstances that they just couldn't overcome. They are every bit as individual, intelligent and capable as the successful people you know. There are hits in life that can be completely overwhelming and life changing. And for those that don't have deep enough resources and family or friend support, it can be devastating across the board. Sometimes they lose it all and fall into hopelessness.

Take some time to look deeper. They could be you under different circumstances. We've all taken chances and made stupid decisions in our youth that could have destroyed our lives. If you are happy with your life, you are not only blessed, you are lucky. I challenge you to think about that and look beyond whatever your judgements may be regarding the 'Homeless'. Perhaps through the lens of 'what if', you'll gain more empathy and gratitude, and become more capable of seeing the humanity in those wandering souls.

Honored to be...

There are myriad ways in which I am constantly moved by this work I am doing. Try as I might, I can't adequately put it into words. But, there is a singular expression that applies in every scenario- I am honored to my core.

Honored to be allowed into the places where the families I serve live. Homeless shelters, parking lots, playgrounds, parks, conference rooms and hospitals. I am graciously welcomed into times and spaces of great vulnerability in people's lives.

Honored to be in the company of the incredible employees and volunteers that staff the amazing organizations I work with. Their sole purpose to extend shelter and assistance to fellow humans that are grappling with brutal life challenges.

Honored to see the kids' wonder and excitement build as they watch me set up the background, lights and camera.

Honored to witness mothers proudly dressing up and grooming their children. At times, they themselves possessing nothing more than sweats and not feeling worthy of being in a portrait with their kids. I usually manage to change their minds about that and get them into one with their babies!

Honored to glimpse and be reminded what it is to flee domestic violence and abuse. The fear, tenderness and hope flashing across children's faces. Seeing the shift in their eyes as they conclude that I am not someone to fear, but am there in love and kindness. That is a singular honor indeed!

Honored by parent's joyous, sometimes tearful, reactions to receiving their family's portraits. The sense of pride and blessing they feel as they see how beautiful and strong their family is. Priceless.

Lastly, I am honored by the faith placed in me by the many patrons and donors who support this loving work. It means so much more than I can express! It's a monthly reminder that I am on the right path and that the way will continue to reveal itself as I keep gifting it up!

It is my sincere wish that you feel as honored and blessed in the life you are leading, as I do in mine.

Namaste,

Rich
'Jackdaw'

You are the gift!

Don't think for a second that you aren't powerful medicine. That you are somehow not as special as someone you admire or who inspires you. We all have a deep fire, a purpose we are uniquely gifted to pursue. You may have known what your purpose is since you were a small child. Or, like me, you lived half your life before you found it. And that's just fine since it often takes a great deal of living to reveal it. Not to mention the time needed for us to develop the skill set and courage to make it a reality. It doesn't matter in the least how long it takes. What matters is simply beginning. As you do, the way will reveal itself.

Don't be surprised if it wrecks your well laid plans and expectations about what your life was going to be. It can definitely get rough. But, it will ultimately light you up in ways you can't even imagine! Imagine no longer just surviving your days. Not feeling trapped and compulsively self-medicating with material possessions, vacations, and all manner of bullshit denial behaviors to distract you from your misery. I promise you, the more you engage your gifts in purposeful ways, the brighter your light becomes. More and more, you will know and feel your true power and place in this life. Creativity, kindness, and inspiration become your currency as you share your gift. Life begins taking care of itself in a very sweet flow. Yes, there's still difficult life shit to deal with, but you'll navigate it with more empathy and grace than ever before.

This is the walk of a freed spirit that has given itself over to love. There is no greater gift we can give or receive. And let me tell you, it puts one hell of a smile on your face a lot of the time!

In this season of so much focus on 'gifts', take time to seek the truth of yourself and the gift inside you. Finding purposeful, loving expression of your gifts is the whole point of being here. Have the courage to hear and act on that small, still voice within.

Namaste,

Rich
aka 'Jackdaw'

Knowing my place

If there is one thing that living in a vehicle teaches you about yourself, it is your place in the world. Be it social or geographic, we tend to identify ourselves with a singular place that we call our own. Where we work and live tend to be our top 'places'. As a vehicle live aboard, the views change all the time. Yes, your actual home is the same and goes with you everywhere. But, there is still a lack of feeling like you have a place to call home. The beauty of not having those conventional and predictable places in one's life is that it challenges you to discover what 'home' truly is to you.

One of my favorite quotes is by Naguib Mahfouz who writes, 'Home is not where you are born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease'. I definitely agree with that.

I have hundreds of conversations with strangers every year. Every now and then the conversation about what I'm doing with my life gets deep. I love it when that happens! When it does, the person talking to me is usually mining for one of two things- inspiration or explanation. The inspiration conversation is always fun and easy. The explanation talk usually gets emotional pretty quickly for me, and I'm not shy about it. People looking for explanation usually assume I gave up on life and am running from something I don't want to face. Despite the emotion that accompanies that conversation, it is always tremendously affirming for me that I am definitely not running from anything. I'm willing to bet very few think I'm running after having that talk with me.

Despite not having a fixed address, I have definitely found my place. It is not a geographical spot or singular group of people. My place is found wherever it is that I can love and gift. It is in those moments that my heart is full and happy with how I expend my energy. I am living in a way that fills my heart, so I always feel that belonging. Yes, sometimes I feel a bit adrift as I step from one scene to another. But, I quickly find my heart in what I'm doing and the people, or person, I am with.

I live a very lean and simple life. But, it is so rich with experience, that I feel a wealthy man. I've been doing this for nearly a year and a half now. As my second winter in Hella begins, I've never felt warmer or more blessed. I definitely don't feel any desire to escape my life. Sleep comes each night with deep gratitude that I took this leap. I wish the same for you. If that isn't how you feel as you lay your head down at day's end, I encourage you to make time to examine your life and your heart. To take steps to find your 'place'. Do so courageously and out loud. Write it all down so you can soak it in over time. Your time here is finite and precious. Don't throw it away on illusion, assumptions or expectations. Find your fire, stoke it, and share it with the world!

Crossing...

It's my day to clear my mind and breathe deep before several days of witnessing Alzheimers ravage my mom. In all my life I don't think there has ever been anything that has made me more angry, or feel more helpless.

I found a beautiful spot full of enchanting nature trails and apparently what I needed this afternoon was to weep and weep as I walked them. The tears came just two steps onto this bridge as if I had stepped through an invisible waterfall. I stopped and looked ahead absorbing what was happening. It was clear the grief was over the fact that it won't be long before mom crosses a bridge that I can't follow. The pain of slowly losing her over the last year has been excruciating and something only someone who has lost a loved one to this nightmare of a disease can relate to. A year ago I never would have imagined wishing for her to cross that bridge as soon as possible. But, that's exactly where I am now. Wishing she could go and be free from the fear, confusion and humiliation her condition subjects her to nearly every moment she is awake. Free before it's more than my sister and I can care for. I'm wracked with guilt for wishing her mortal time would end, even though I know it would be the most merciful thing for her. I fight feeling there's something wrong with me for wishing it for her. At times like this it's so very difficult to see the lesson or the opportunity being presented to me. But, I know it's there and I'll keep leaning in with a loving heart to the very end. Mom's love for my sister and I has been ever-faithful and total. And that is how we love her, with complete devotion and heart. Treasuring the occasional flashes of clarity when she's here with us again for a moment.

Alzheimers forces loved ones into grief years before the one they love passes. I realized today that all the grief over the last year has in no way prepared me for the finality of mom leaving this plane. It will be crushing for a long while and there is no way around it. Nothing in this life is permanent or secure. The grief of losing one we have loved is testament to how deeply they touched our lives and all they meant to us. It is the manifestation of our connected spirits in transition. A terribly beautiful dance of release. So, we dance...

Tacking into winter...

Fall is definitely here along with it's unpredictable weather and rainy Seattle days. This time last year the infatuation stage of my relationship with #vanlife was just beginning to wane. I am way beyond that now and the interesting thing is I am enjoying this lifestyle more and more. Last October I didn't know what to expect of a west side winter in Hella. At the time I was still struggling to get the go-ahead with agencies to set up family portrait days in their shelters. By October I finally had portrait days going which was a big relief. But then, Hella's engine began clapping out and the clutch slipping. By the end of October, I couldn't drive the truck anymore except around Ballard. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was renting Uhaul vans and riding the bus with all my gear in order to do Jackdaw shoots! Suffice to say October through December 2018 was a very challenging time! With the truck broken down and the sunny days of open windows and doors and cooking outside over with for a few months, it all added up to a difficult period of feeling isolated and disconnected. But, oh what a difference a year makes! While there are still a great many challenges and unknowns in my life, I am entering this winter season in a much more positive state. I've put nearly 6000 miles on Hella's new drivetrain and she is running beautifully. I have made a great deal of new friends along the way and I certainly don't feel isolated anymore. There is quite the warm community of vehicle dwellers in Ballard, not to mention all the great locals that have introduced themselves thanks to Hella's vintage nature and rugged good looks. I've also made good friends with the local crows and they are always good company. As a matter of fact, I have so much community now that I have to go out of my way to get truly quiet, solo time.

It's been a unique experience for me since I have historically been an introverted person. Obviously, the exact opposite personality is required in order to build a philanthropic outreach like Jackdaw. Fortunately, I have become much more acquainted with my extrovert side. But, that has a lot more to do with years of personal work to reclaim a healthy sense of self worth than it does with Jackdaw's demands. It's quite something to look at all the events and changes in my life over the last six years and see how each has played an imperative and significant role in bringing me to the place I find myself now. I would have skipped so many of them if I could have chosen to at the time! There are so many times in our lives when we need to be broken in order to evolve. Nobody enjoys that shit, but it certainly gives us huge opportunities to grow.

One of my newly favorite quotes is attributed to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He said, "A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor". I don't know if he wrote it or not, but he certainly had enough storms in his life that he earned the right to say it. Jackdaw has a long way to go to get to anything resembling smooth seas. And that's just fine. I know to my core that I am doing what I am meant to do, and I have complete faith in the journey. I am constantly humbled and encouraged by people's kind words and support. Never in my adult life have I had so little materially, and yet I feel so rich. I see the magic in every day and am constantly giving thanks for it. Such is a life of purpose and I highly recommend it! Passionately harness your natural abilities and talents and focus them with your heart's intent. Doing so will reveal your purpose and inspire your life. Don't ever tell yourself it's too late to chart a new course. There is always a way to make good use of your unique gifts. You simply have to be brave enough to leave port.

So very hard to let them flail...

I'm no paragon of wisdom. But, I've lived long enough to learn hard lessons from monumental mistakes and have consequently become adept at recognizing a looming train wreck. Nowadays I use this radar to good effect in all kinds of scenarios from the trivial to the significant.

Lately I've been struggling to resist using that radar to constantly save someone I care about from themselves. I've helped them avoid so many missteps in the last year that I now see how doing so has kept them from effectively internalizing important life lessons. Lessons that I learned the hard way in my twenties when nobody experienced was watching out for me. As painful and costly as that time of my life was, those disasters were instrumental in ushering me into responsible adulthood. Nothing so mercilessly brings about personal clarity regarding our choices as when the train has jumped the tracks and we're crawling out of the wreckage.

My love for this person is a huge motivation behind my desire to help them avoid suffering from poor choices. But, the reality is that a significant percentage of my compulsion to 'rescue' them from themselves is a selfish desire to not have to deal with the fallout of what could befall them if left to their own devices. In so doing, I have fostered their immaturity and dependence. That's so the opposite of what I want to do! What a true friend, mentor or parent does is encourage and foster responsibility and independence. We should stay focused on living our best life while giving counsel when it is sought and being a helpful resource when those we care about are digging themselves out of a hole of their creation. The key is letting them do the digging.

So, I am working hard to step back and consciously allow them to grow on their own. At times it feels as if there will always be something I am having to release my grip on. Letting go is by far the most difficult aspect of love. It takes faith in a process we cannot foresee and willingness to be vulnerable. Journey on!

A worthy cause

In my life prior to 2013 I operated in a steady state of looking so far down the road that I was completely oblivious to the truth of who I was and how I was living. Focusing on what I hoped my future would be kept me from actually seeing the truth before me and building something of enduring value. It was a reactive and cowardly existence that hurts my heart to think about. Probably the only thing I did reasonably well back then was love my children. But even that, as pure as it was, was not given to the level I do now.

The root of that state of denial was an abiding shame liberally served up by an abusive stepfather when I was 14 and 15. Quite possibly the worst age for a human to be relentlessly told how worthless and offensive their existence is. As a child that had for years fantasized about having an active father figure in his daily life, I took every word this man said as gospel. And so, I learned that the only way I could possibly ever be of value was if I became something other than who I was. Maybe then I could be useful to others and worthy of their consideration. I became a rescuer and people-pleaser extraordinaire, though I was never able to please him.

That shame cost me many things in my life, including my marriage. That loss in particular launched me into the most important personal work of my life. All my constructs crumbled to dust and I began seeing the truth of myself for the very first time in my life. With the help of my fellow travelers in ACA, I uncovered the source of the shame that plagued me and slowly reparented myself, unlearning the sick survival traits that had set me on such destructive paths. My life now couldn't be more different and I am so grateful! Even so, I still struggle occasionally with a sense of not being enough. I suppose I always will to some degree. Thankfully, that feeling of shame doesn't get far before I arrest the bullshit. What's my first clue it's happening? It's the feeling that I am being selfish for doing what is in my heart to do. Recognizing it is the easy part. The hard part is summoning the courage to request or stand for what I know I personally need. Why is it important to risk making people uncomfortable and take care of yourself this way? Because if you don't you will likely end up resenting them and it will be your fault, not theirs. That's the slow, insidious poison of denying your truth.

It's challenging to find the balance between giving and receiving. As a recovering people-pleaser, giving is as easy for me as breathing, while asking for what I need takes a lot of effort. Which is probably why I've been blessing needy families with portraits for free full time for over a year and I still have only 23 monthly patrons. I receive all kinds of moral support and thanks for what I'm doing, but it rarely translates into patronage to support the work. The reality of what I'm doing requires that to change if Jackdaw is to continue. With over 700 people following me on social media, I should be able to gain a few $5 or $10 a month patrons each month. I know it's likely my fault that's not happening for the simple lack of asking. So here I am, asking for what I need to keep the portrait gifting going.

My current level of monthly patronage combined with my retirement funds may carry me for another year. But, it's make or break now. If Jackdaw is to sustain itself and broaden in scope to bless more people, I have to have more financial support. If Patronage doesn't grow substantially by this time next year, I will have exhausted my retirement savings and Jackdaw will be dust. I will accept that as what is meant to be if it happens, but I can't imagine that's how it will go. People approach me in person and online every day thanking me for what I'm doing for people. I am providing a valuable and meaningful gift to the people I bless. If you can afford to contribute the equivalent cost of a coffee or two a month, it is worthy of your support as a patron. My patrons and I created family portraits for 161 families in my first year doing this. I need at least 150 monthly patrons in order to sustainably continue providing portraits at the level I currently am. As patronage grows beyond 150 I will extend my reach geographically. My ultimate goal is 400 patrons. With that kind of support I will be able to really take this gift on the road.

If you genuinely believe in what I'm doing here, please support the work! I use Patreon as the vehicle to financially support Jackdaw. You can become a Patron right now by going to https://www.patreon.com/user/community?u=3573257

Namaste,

Rich

A week off. Yes, I needed a vacation!

Even when you are inspired by and love what you do, you still need a break from it from time to time. After a solid year of gifting portraits it was great to hit the road purely for the joy of discovery! Exploring the northwestern tip of the Olympic Peninsula was breathtaking to say the least! I've definitely found my favorite beach in Washington state.

When the last glimmers of light in the west were gone and deepest twilight had given way to complete darkness, the waves began an incredible bioluminessence light show. I've never seen such a mesmerizing natural phenomena in person! As I watched transfixed for nearly an hour, it occurred to me that it had been happening all day long, but couldn't be seen until darkness had fallen. It reminded me of my life in 2013 and 14 when it felt the darkness would forever consume me. In the earliest days of that trial, I couldn't see any good ever coming of it. But, as I kept moving and evolving the light did manifest. And it did so in ways I never could have anticipated or imagined!

It often takes a dark time to reveal our true light. Don't fear the darkness, embrace it and receive the message. The message is often very challenging. Listen with an open and vulnerable heart so you don't waste the opportunity. Burn on!

See change as opportunity

My left knee collapsed under me in early July 2017. I was descending the steep stairs of Barge Hall at Central Washington University while carrying about a hundred pounds of gear. I don’t know how it happened, but boy, it was bad. I ended up on the landing a couple steps below. My knee made a popping sound as it completely compressed under the load of my weight plus the gear. I limped into my office to take stock of my injury. It was beginning to swell, so I didn’t waste any time getting to the truck and driving home. I figured I should do so while I could still walk. By the time I got home 11 blocks away, I could no longer use it and was driving without the clutch. I could barely get out of the truck and into the house. I spent the next two weeks icing it and hoping it would be alright. The swelling improved, but it still was not making satisfactory progress. I went back to work using crutches. After a couple of grueling weeks back at work, I finally went to a local Orthopedic doctor. She tested it’s stability and took some xrays. Her conclusion was that I had torn my ACL. She felt it wouldn’t need surgery to heal if I was willing to accept a very slow healing process. After consulting friends that had dealt with knee injuries, both that had had surgery and not, I decided to forego surgery and see if I could heal. The progress was very slow, but it was there. After three months I was down to a single crutch. After 5 months, no crutch anymore. But, I was still not walking normally. Getting through my work commitments was brutally painful and difficult. Looking back now, two plus years later, I probably should have had surgery. I still can’t compress my leg much beyond 90 degrees, nor can I completely extend it. I have had to slow my walking pace to half of what it was before the injury. It feels like I’ll have this limp the rest of my life. Sometimes that makes me very frustrated and sad. I can no longer run, jump or ride a bike. A big walking day for me now is 3 miles. I used to go on very brisk walks and hikes of many miles and loved every minute of them.

I had a lot of errands to run today. Getting prints made for some families, the bank, the auto parts store, delivering prints, and then home. Lots of bus riding, but lots of walking too. It was just about the time I was nearly home and walking the last mile of the day when I began feeling sorry for myself. My knee was getting stiff like it does when it gets worked out. That’s when I saw a local man in a wheelchair that lives on the street. Talk about a quick attitude/gratitude adjustment! I began saying over and over in my head, ‘I can walk. If all I can ever do the rest of my life is walk, then I am truly blessed!’. Nothing I’ve lost in regards to my knee’s capability is critical. It could be so much worse. My heart immediately began lifting and I started thinking of all the good that has come of my slower pace. I see more of the details around me as I walk. I no longer come up quickly behind people and unintentionally startle them. I see more wildlife. But best of all, time slows down a bit. I’m not rushing anymore. The stops I make to stretch my knee give me a chance to better see the people around me.

You know, I don’t think there are many things more destructive to our lives than self pity. Shit happens to everyone and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes temporary, sometimes permanent and life-changing in ways we don’t want. But, as with all change, we get to be the authors of our story. We decide how we will react to all the events in our lives. It’s a breeze reacting to the positive and joyful things. But, it’s the negative and challenging circumstances that give us incredible opportunities to rise and grow. To evolve. To redefine who we are and what we want to be. To find our courage and embrace new directions. Rarely does the opportunity to grow like that come from the easy stuff. So, as Bruce Lee famously said, “Be water my friend.” Flow and reform with what life presents you.

First year complete! Thank you!

A year ago today I walked out of Barge Hall on the CWU campus, climbed into Hella's cab, fired her up and headed straight to Seattle. It was a very intense afternoon as I said goodbye to so many of my CWU family and friends. To walk out for the last time as an employee and begin a radically new phase of my life was both exhilarating and challenging. I rolled into Seattle with a giant smile as the sun's last rays of the evening streamed through the windshield. I was here. I was finally doing it. After years of effort and planning, the time was finally now! I'll never forget that feeling. Especially since it truly has not faded. Every day since has had some kind of magic. Sometimes breathtaking, but most often, simply sweet. I have never felt so blessed in all my life as I do now.

In our first year we created portraits for 160 families! I have built relationships with several major social service agencies here. I could easily be shooting every week for the cause if I had more financial support. But, word is spreading about the work I'm doing and I have faith the support will follow. I currently have 25 monthly patrons and their support is huge to me! I've also had 8 generous people make a one-time donation in the last year. Thank you very much guys! You are making a big difference in people's lives with the gift you are giving them. If any of you who have been following me for a while would like to help support this work, go to my Patreon page to do so. This is a grassroots philanthropy operation being built on the concept of many giving very little. $10 a month is a huge help, let me assure you! It all adds up. To become a patron go to-

https://www.patreon.com/user/overview?u=3573257

I will keep doing the work so long as my retirement funds hold out. I'm living very lean getting by on less than a thousand a month in order to extend my resources. It's my hope that soon I'll have enough monthly patrons to be able to gift and survive without nicking my retirement any longer. I know we'll get there eventually and I'm keeping this going no matter what it takes. That's how meaningful and important I believe this gift to be.

In any case, thank you for riding along with me! Your sharing and messages of support always touch and restore me. I am constantly inspired by the people I meet from all walks of life. This year has affirmed for me how little I really need and what truly matters in life. In my case, less has certainly turned out to be so much more!

Seek out your purpose and do whatever it takes to act on it. It may take a long while to get there, (it certainly did for me), but don't be discouraged by the pace. Do something about it every day in whatever way you can. Small steps add up to big progress! Everything you do matters and the energy you invest will bear fruit. So, be sure you are spending your precious energy on things that truly matter.

Burn on,

Rich

Alzheimers and sleep deprivation

"I give you this to take with you: Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting."

- Judith Minty, Letters to My Daughters

At about 5:30 this morning I was jarred awake by mom's call for the fourth time of the night. Feeling as if I had only just gotten back to sleep, I was very frustrated. Thankfully, I always shake it off before I reach her. I love her and am grateful to be here for her this way. When I was done tending to her and back on the couch, the frustration returned. I felt panicky like I was losing time that I needed to spend on some currently pressing needs in my life. I quickly felt bad about that because there's nothing more important in our lives than those we love. I knew the panic wasn't about time, so I looked deeper. It turns out the panic was about witnessing mom's demise. My inner brat was stomping his feet, turning red and screaming, "NO! I don't like this! I don't want to see this! La la la la la LA LA .....!"

Time was not what my gut was panicking about, painful change is the thing. As a caregiver trying to cope, I tend to overlook my emotions at times. The crushing frustration of witnessing this wretched disease slowly and steadily erode my mother. It is fucking uncomfortable and I don't want to see it. And because I know I will see it through, I've slipped a bit into some old denial traits as a means of coping. I'm grateful that my brat snapped me out of it this morning so the tears and anger could flow.

What it all comes down to, yet again, is change. Change is usually uncomfortable. Especially change you didn't initiate yourself.

I am distraught about the cruelty of Alzheimers that my mom is enduring. I love her and nothing is going to ease that pain until mom is finally free of this plane. The hardest emotions for me to allow are anger and frustration. I spent the majority of my life up until six years ago suppressing them. So, this situation is giving me a good spiritual workout as I allow them to rise freely. I know they have to. The change my mom, sister and I are enduring through this is phenomenal. The parameters are constantly shifting and often sliding sideways in mind-bending ways. Even in peaceful moments, the weight of what is happening rests on my shoulders like a giant wet dog. It's messy, heavy, and won't quit swinging it's big head around which constantly throws off my balance.

It's all yet another reminder that life is not fair. It never could be, and seeking fairness should not be the point of a life. Fairness as a priority is as ridiculous and crazy-making as the pursuit of perfection. Life is what it is. Yours is what it is. Whether the moment is joyful, mundane or excruciating, the moment is all we ever have. For me, allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of my emotions, without judging myself for them, is the key to spiritual health. I strive to be genuinely conscious of my feelings and deny nothing I feel. I let them rise, look into them and release them. To selectively suppress those I dislike would be a return to the dismal and powerless existence of grief and shame that I lived for the first 48 years of my life. And if there's one thing in my life that I can say with certainty, it's that I will never return to that wretched state of spirit.

I share all this to encourage you to listen to your heart. Your raw emotions, whether enjoyable or not, have important messages for you. Mind you, I said 'you'. I'm not condoning deflecting your feelings and uncorking on someone else when you are the one that needs to listen to what they are telling you. In all things, be brave and look at your reflection before anyone else. Process what you feel. Then, when you feel you fully understand, do with it what you decide to do. If you need to share how you're feeling, do so with someone you trust. That kind of vulnerability is a powerful means of affecting and coping with change.

Heed your gut, learn the lessons, and do your best as you keep walking.

Make no assumptions...

Mom has Alzheimers. My sister and I are her caretakers. Nik is carrying the bulk of the load as mom lives with her full time. I come for at least a week a month to get time with mom and give Nik a break. Caring for her as we experience her mental decline has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. There are little joys everyday, but they are in shorter and shorter supply as the disease progresses. Mom is 28 years older than I. Alzheimers began significantly manifesting in her life about three years ago. Over the course of the last year she has completely lost her independence. I don't know about you, but I can't think of any more frightening personal experience than slowly and steadily losing one's memory and mental capacities. Explaining what's happening to her in her moments of clarity is gut wrenching to say the least. It's been my week with mom and a few days ago I found myself thinking that I should have at least 20 more years before such a fate could befall me. I no sooner completed that thought when I realized how unbelievably stupid it was! There are countless life events everyday that could take me out of the game long before that. This very moment could be my last on earth. It's all too easy for those of us that are healthy or successful to assume we have lots of time ahead to pursue our passions. Like most assumptions, that one is most certainly dangerous and rife with potential to generate regret down the road. As I get to know more and more people living on the margins of society, I see with new eyes what a blessed life I have lived. And with that deepening realization, I sense more and more just how precious time is. There really is none to waste.

When I lay down to sleep at night, I am satisfied that if the day had been my last, it was well spent. That's not a feeling I've had most of my life and I'm really happy it's how I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I want with all my heart to be sound of mind and body and keep doing what I'm doing for a very long time! But, I know there's no telling how long that will be. It could be taken from any of us at any moment. Bearing witness to mom's rapid decline has certainly driven the point home for me.

We've all heard the question, "What would you do if you knew you had only six months to live?". Most often I've heard it answered with a litany of bucket list travel experiences and material possessions. I get that, I really do! Hell, this truck is something I've fantasized about having all my and I love the thing. But, it's still just a machine, a material thing. The personal satisfaction it gives me pales in comparison to the fulfillment I experience with every family I create portraits for. When examining my life this week, I realized in a new way that I am living in that '6 months to live' mindset. Not in a fearful way, but in an inspired and purposeful way that makes no assumptions about how much time I have left. I can't tell you what a great feeling it is! Best of all, the road I have chosen affords me lots of time with those I love. Making the leap that I did almost a year ago has been one of the best things I have ever done. It's been a magical and inspiring journey that grows and expands for me with every passing week. Well worth living in a truck to make it possible!

The point of all this? I'm hoping to encourage you, no matter where you are in life, to be brave enough to look honestly at what you are pouring your life energy into. Your time and energy are the most valuable capital you possess. Spend them wisely and with all your heart on the ones you love and activities that draw you all closer together. In so doing, when your time is done you will look back with big joy, a huge smile, and say, "I held nothing back and that was one hell of a great ride!".

Family #123!

I was in Ellensburg last weekend to participate in Cruisin for Hospice on Sunday. On Saturday I shot portraits in Kiwanis Park and these lovely people gave me permission to share one of their family's portraits! I'm very grateful they did, thanks guys!

One of the most common questions I get when people learn about what I'm doing is, 'Where can I see all the portraits?'. I know it's a frustrating thing for people that I can't share them at will. But the families I photograph own the pics I create and they decide if they will be shared on my platforms. Giving them ownership of their images is one of the reasons I even get the opportunity to photograph them in the first place. They take me at my word and trust me which is a great honor. I understand what a lot of them are dealing with and they have my assurance their portraits will be seen only by those they choose to share them with.

But, as I had expected would eventually happen, I have that rare occasion where a family is just fine with being shown on my social media. WooHoo! They are the 123rd family I have created portraits for in the ten months since I launched into Jackdaw full time. The families I have photographed have been incredibly diverse in every conceivable way and all a joy to meet. Thank you all for trusting me and allowing me to create for you! And thank you to all my patrons that make this meaningful impact possible. You are supporting a truly timeless gift and blessing for people who never would have expected to have such a treasure. Namaste.

Don't let the huge task intimidate you. Just begin.

Last Sunday was the three year anniversary of Hella's arrival in my driveway in Ellensburg. She'd been hauled on a flatbed trailer for six days across North America from Ontario, Canada. It would be quite the understatement to say I was excited when she arrived! What made it even more special was that my kids were there when she did. What a feeling that was!

The day after is when the true scope of the project settled on my shoulders. I had an 8000 pound military relic in my driveway that hadn't run for over 30 years. She had been in a barn all that time and become a home to birds and rodents. Besides the yucky messes to deal with, about the only thing that was functional was the steering. This was a mechanical project the likes of which I had always aspired to tackle. Yes, I was intimidated, but I knew I could do it. I spent that day inspecting every inch of the truck and created my initial work list. The first of countless lists to be generated over the next three years!

After three months of bloody, greasy weeknights and weekends, she fired up for me for the first time! The sense of accomplishment was amazing! The thrill faded quickly when I had to turn around and limp home a half mile into my first test drive. This was not going to be quick or easy! It was clear the work had only just begun. So, I kept working and she kept limping home as the test drive radius expanded in ever widening circles with each system restored. As the distance grew, I found more problems and set to repairing them. It was over a year before I took her on her first true trip, which she broke down on! Her first successful trip over the mountains without issue was 15 months after I had begun working on her. It would be another year before I was taking her on serious trips with reasonable certainty that she'd get me back without too much drama. All the while, with every breakdown, I was learning what I needed to learn to keep her rolling for the life ahead.

It's now been four months since I swapped out her original flathead six and transmission for a modern V8 and transmission. With that heart transplant she went from 80 horsepower to 250. The new mill just ticked off 2000 miles and is running like a boss. After years of crawling painfully slowly up hills, I doubt I'll ever stop grinning stupidly as I roll on the power and go up them at the speed limit! I have finally arrived at a practical point of operation where I jump in the driver's seat, fire up and go without drama. It is wonderful! There's still plenty of maintenance to keep up on and I know she'll throw surprises at me as we travel. But I know that I'm up to the task now. Thank you to all my friends in person and online that have helped me get her to the point she is now. You all rock!

Anybody who takes on a project like this knows you are never finished with it. You bond with the machine and start talking with it like Han and the Millennium Falcon. I think we literally give the machine a soul as we go. Hella is more than my truck, she's become my home and friend.

Bringing this rig back to life and making it what I need it to be has taught me a lot about devotion, endurance, humility, and most of all vulnerability. Most folks restore vehicles like this for amusement on sunny summer days or parades. It's an entirely different proposition to make one your only wheels, your home, and take it on the road. Only a mechanic could do something like this. Good thing I turned out to be a decent one! I've always enjoyed working on my vehicles, but I never would have guessed how important those skills would be to my future. It is amazing the way life is always preparing you for the next chapter. Good or bad, all that is happening in your life is teaching you something of value for the road ahead. Be encouraged that the heartbreaks and setbacks are intended. They present opportunities to grow and evolve in ways that will inspire your purpose and unleash your full potential. That is, if you are brave enough to face them full on and seek the lessons.

Photo- May 26, 2016 as she was...

I couldn't close the partition door last night...

I have to sleep with all my lighting gear in the rig on the night after a Jackdaw shoot. It wouldn't be a terrible pain, except for the long background poles that I use. In order to get in bed, I have to run the tubes from my floorboard through the doorway and into the back leaving enough room for me to sleep. It may sound silly, but I don't like it when I can't close the partition door at bedtime. It's just a nice feeling of privacy. In any case, it always seems to be on those nights, when my cab is packed with photography equipment, that something strange happens. And so it did...

At 2am I was awakened by the screams of a seriously disturbed young man walking the railroad tracks I was parked beside. He was screaming 'DAD' over and over so loud and angrily that his voice sounded like it was bleeding! He woke me out of a dead sleep from a quarter mile away. That's how loud he was! I got up to see who was coming toward me and as he got closer he looked like he could be my son. Same build and height as him and wearing the same kind of military surplus jacket he does. I couldn't imagine my son acting like that unless he had experienced something horrific, but I had to be sure. With my lights off I kept watching his approach through the open slot between the door and the doorway. It wasn't until he was literaly at Hella's nose that I was able to conclude it wasn't my son. It was a huge relief of course, but I was still overwhelmed with the desperate energy of this young man screaming 'DAD' over and over with every step. I felt so very bad for him! He was either very emotionally disturbed or having one hell of a bad trip. Either way, it was heartbreaking and bone-chilling at the same time. I could still hear him screaming in the distance 15 minutes after he had passed by. I saw a couple of police cruisers heading his way about the time I couldn't hear him any longer. I hope they were able to help him.

All I could keep thinking about is what could have happened between him and his father to bring him to such a state. It flashed me back to the abuse I suffered at the hands of a stepfather when I was a teen. There are many choices I could have made in my 20's that could have brought me to the same state of painful hopelessness and anger that I felt pouring out of that distraught young man last night.

A single person's actions or a single choice can have such devastating impact on a life. It can take one completely off their rails for a very long time and lead to a cascade of terrible experiences that they may never recover from. Think of the stupid shit you did in your 20's that you were lucky enough to survive without injuring yourself or others. When you see street folks that offend or frighten you, try to recognize their pain and desperation. Instead of disdain, send them merciful thoughts of healing. You can't possibly know what they have been through in their lives. I understand that many of them are not safe to interact with, or even make eye contact. But, try not to be cold. Under different circumstances, their life that so frightens you could have been your own.

Sheared in Ballard

Haircuts. You can't cut your own, (well, I can't anyway), so you've got to pony up! This was only my second cut since I launched 9 months ago. I was way overdue because the last one was such a disaster! This time I did my homework and went to a seriously legit place, Rudy's in Ballard. What a difference! Thank you Liberty for taming my mane!

While I was there it was interesting to see all the guys sit down in the seats with hair that looked to me like it had just been cut the day before. It got me thinking about the gulf between the haves and the have-nots. A quality haircut may seem like a small thing, but it really isn't. They're expensive and out of reach for those who are barely surviving.

As I continue down this path of service to people who are struggling in life, I see more and more all that is stacked against them. So many little things that add up to giant hurdles as they strive to pull themselves up. Let me tell you, it fills me with a tremendous amount of empathy for their struggles, and gratitude for how blessed I am. If you feel blessed, I challenge you to give of yourself somehow, in an unexpected way, to someone who needs what you have to give. I promise you, it will fill up your heart and enrich your spirit.

Following your gut is not easy

I am a Firefly fan. Wash is my favorite character on the show for many reasons. His self calming chant of, "I'm a leaf on the wind", as he piloted Serenity through crazy maneuver after crazy maneuver always spoke to me. In a lot of ways I have become a leaf on the wind now. It may sound carefree and inspiring to cast off most everything you own and live like I am. At times it certainly is. But, the reality is that I often feel conflicted for pursuing this purpose. This is because, as a seasoned professional photographer, I could be putting my energy into freelancing and be making decent money. I choose instead to pour all my energy into building up Jackdaw, which is a significant financial loss every month. I accept that this is what it will take to get to a point of patronage that is self-sustaining. I ran out of my launch savings and emergency fund months ago, and am now tapping my retirement resources in order to bridge the gap. I know I'm doing what I am supposed to and I won't give up on this. I am so very grateful to my patrons for their monthly support! Jackdaw currently has 22 monthly patrons. I need about 80 more monthly $10 patrons in order to reach a point of survival where I can stop tapping my retirement funds.

Anyway, back to the original point of all this! The thing about my devotion to Jackdaw that is difficult for me to take, is that so many of my loved ones would benefit from me getting back in the freelance game. But, doing so would take all my time and energy and would cripple Jackdaw considerably. I'm not willing to do that unless I reach the point that I'm about to drain my retirement completely dry. It's a wondrous and nerve-wracking ride all at the same time! I could have stayed at CWU and been of significant financial help to the ones I love. Not to mention continue covering my children's health insurance. But, I gave up that choice civil service position at a state university to devote myself to this work and I'll be damned if I'm going to play it safe now. As passionate as I am about what I'm doing, I still battle with feeling like a selfish jerk for leaving such an amazing job. But, in my heart I knew I had to. And those that love me encouraged and supported my decision. They were, and continue to be, amazing. Which only makes me feel more selfish at times about my choices! It's a viscous circle that I can get locked into when I'm not paying close enough attention to what's going on with my true value. When it starts happening, I make time to clear my head and breathe. With fresh perspective, I return to what I've set out to do.

The truth is that by giving of myself like I am, I have more of what's truly valuable to give those I love, as well as the people this work blesses. Time is what I have to give now. Yes, money is necessary and extremely useful. We would all love to not have to worry about it. But, nothing we have is more valuable than time. And I'll take time with those I love, over money any day.

Time, the air I breathe, and the beating of my heart. These are infinitely more valuable than any financial resources. I've never been wealthy, but I've always found a way to get things done. So, I will continue to relax into this work with faith and the outpouring of my heart and energy.

Thanks for being on this ride with me! Namaste

Post production...

I had two family portrait days at a couple Mary's Place houses last week. Each shoot day generates about eight hours of post production. Here I am at the library burning each family's disc of their shots. It's always so cool to edit and photoshop these pics. The people we bless are genuinely grateful for this gift. Well, most of them anyway! Some of the kids can be less than enthusiastic at times! But, they usually come around. In any case, everything for this round is printed and the discs burned, so I'm ready for tomorrow's and Saturday's shoots. Thanks as always to all of you that help make this possible. You are truly wonderful.

Go hard or not at all

I came across this art walking home yesterday afternoon. Yes, it's a violent image, but I can't help but love it. Not because of the banger sending rounds down the street, but because of the message, 'Bang hard or don't bang at all'. It's the perspective of going for it without reservation. Committing oneself fully once they've decided to go. For 48 years I didn't know how to do that. I could fake it pretty well, but inside I knew I was always holding myself back from giving it all. Consequently, it took losing my entire construct to finally break me hard enough to find the courage to allow who I really am to come to the fore. The journey was brutal, but so very worth it. Along the way I shed every element of my life that did not serve me. I got leaner and leaner which released me more and more to fulfill the purpose that was driving me forward. I can't adequately describe the feeling of being free to focus my energy on what I love. It's hilarious to me that all I own in this world fits in this truck, yet I feel incredibly wealthy! The work I do now brings smiles, hugs and legacy. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I am on my right path and will do whatever it takes to stay on this road of gifting.

Which brings me back to the message in the graffiti. In everything you are passionate about, give it all you've got. Don't hold back. Be brave and vulnerable. The only regrets I have in my life are the times I held back. Unleash the full power of your potential. Scary? Yes, it is sometimes. You will fall at times. But, you'll get up wiser for it and adjust. Just don't dial it back when you adjust! Embrace the lessons and keep moving toward that horizon.

Back in business!

I'm back in Seattle. Winter is wrapping up. Hella has her new heart and is kicking ass. The sun is beaming in this morning and I am charged to get the portraits humming again! Being hobbled by engine problems and repairs for 3 months was very challenging. But, I am very grateful for the timing. While it was miserable doing that work in freezing temperatures, I'm very glad it wasn't going on during my busy time of year.

I just finished breakfast and planning my week. It's so nice having the sun slowly warm up the interior. I awoke today with an immense feeling of being blessed and boundless. I am ready to rock! Here's wishing you all the same sense of purpose in your life. Be brave and venture forth! The day is yours.

A bit out of town last week...

I have a couple exceptional kids. They were raised that the best gifts are experiences, not things. So, their Christmas gift to me a couple months ago was that they were taking me with them on their trip to Cairo, Egypt. We just returned to the states yesterday, and to say the trip adjusted my perspective on life would be a grand understatement. This was not a vacation. Rather, it was an immersion into a completely foreign culture in which we could not speak or read any part of the language including numbers. I have never been so vulnerable and clueless anywhere I have traveled as I was last week! It's going to take time to process the entirety of the experience. I learned much about Egyptian history and culture, both old and new. We walked about 20 miles of downtown Cairo and Giza while there. People were generally warm and friendly, though it was very clear tourists rarely walked where we did. It was incredible to go about streets and structures that were thousands of years old. The sense of antiquity oozes out of every crack and crevice there. I can't express enough how grateful I am to Aja and Talon for taking me along for this! So much of the experience touched my heart and challenged my perceptions. I have returned to the U.S. with renewed purpose for what I'm doing with Jackdaw, as well as a new gratitude for the incredible resources this country of ours enjoys.

Well, it's time to board my flight from San Francisco to Seattle now. Onward!

Dawn's early light

All the work is done and it's time to roll out of the woods of Poulsbo. This morning was my first in a month to awaken to natural light. What a simple pleasure! After a month of sleeping in Hella inside a shop with no windows, I really relished it.

All appears to be functioning well with the new drivetrain thus far. I had to make a clutch adjustment last night, but I think it's good now. I'll know soon! I will be forever grateful to Paul and Karion for making this all possible. I could not have done it alone. Even with Paul's expert help, it was a big push beyond my anxieties to tear out the original drivetrain and engineer how to fit a different one in. The education I received along the way is priceless. I now know every detail of the drivetrain in my truck. That is gold where driving a vintage, and now very custom, vehicle is concerned.

Time to load up the final boxes, grab a shower and say my goodbyes for now to Paul and Karion. Then I roll for the ferry.

I've got butterflies all over again!

What day is it?!

Day of the week? That I rarely know off the top of my head lately! It's Day 17 of the engine swap and I feel a bit spun, but it's a milestone day! We finished fabrication of all the driveline mounts today and the engine and transmission are bolted into the frame solid as a rock. I've been living and working in Paul's shop for over two weeks now and the progress we have made is phenomenal. Taking on this project was another big leap. I knew I had the mechanical skills to do this, but having never done it, I was nervous. But, it had to be faced and with each new day the solutions are found as we simply dig in. We still have many challenges ahead of us as we fabricate custom linkage. But, we'll figure it out as we go.

Just like life, if you wait until you think you are completely prepared to do something, you may never do it. Don't be afraid to fail. Failure is part of life and will happen whether you are doing what you want to or not. Problems are always opportunities to grow and learn, so don't let their potential keep you from following your instincts.

Once you know what you want, go for it with all you've got.

Engine swap day 9...

Damn. I meant to be doing all sorts of social media updating as I worked through this process. But, it's just been too much work and focus to stop what I'm doing at each step to post to the web. It's a major project with so many more details than I expected. One thing leads to another and you decide to upgrade this and that since you have everything torn out anyway! All the work of engine removal and chassis prep for the new V8 is done. The new engine and all it's parts arrived today which means phase two begins tomorrow! Cleaning all the threads in the new engine and then bolting up all the external parts. Should be fun! Cold, but fun! I will definitely post up pics of the assembled engine before she goes in.

For now, I'm going to make a nice hot dinner and then spend my evening reading up and watching videos regarding the different parts I'll be assembling tomorrow. I hope you are all well and happy. I am anxious to get this job done and be back to work gifting portraits!

Greasy and cold, inspired and happy.

It's Day 4 of Hella's heart transplant and all is going fabulously! As you can see in the pic, her original flathead six and transmission are out and I've been busy cleaning and rewiring the engine bay for the incoming V8. Pulling the engine was the easy part. Mounting the new V8 engine and transmission plus fabricating all their linkage, will be the real challenge. But, thanks to my awesome mentor Paul, I have every confidence we'll get it done, and done well. He's the person truly making this possible for me. Without his experience, shop, and tools, I'd still be sparingly limping Hella around Seattle with no solution in sight. So, while I am literally working in a refrigerator, (a freezer today actually!), I could not be more grateful and excited! The new engine, transmission and all the parts needed to finish up should be here this week.

Taking on this conversion has been a major exercise in faith. There isn't a kit out there for adapting a V8 to a Canadian 1954 Dodge M152. We are diving in with our combined skills to make it happen. I would be considerably more anxious about the scale of this project had it happened a year ago. But, after all I have experienced in leap taking since quitting my state job to go full time with Jackdaw, I know all is happening as it should. I am way more excited and intrigued with all I'm doing and learning than I am concerned with how it will all work out. I simply know it will. From large to small, problems always present opportunities to grow and this time is no exception. I encourage you to take a few leaps this year. Do something you know you want to do, but don't feel you're ready yet. In my experience, you're never more ready than you are right now. Take the leap with an open heart and willingness to grow and the results will amaze you.